The scene is the Gold’s Gym where we met “All-Natural” Chick Grillbreast for the first time. Gone are the cheering throngs. The mirrors are all shattered, weights strewn about the floor. Whatever lights that still work are flickering. Was this destruction the work of an earthquake, a hurricane, or a random mosh pit from an Alice in Chains show? No. Chick is found sitting in the corner, hyperventilating like someone had tricked him into doing cardio again. What could be the root of this spurt of anger for the Chieftain of Chicken Breast? Ace reporter Billy Fields shuffles through the flotsam and jetsam to find out.
Billy: Chick, Chick Grillbreast, Billy Fields from Classic Wrestling! What the heck happened here?
Chick: WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED HERE? HUH? LIKE YOU HAVE TO ASK? UGH!
In one motion, Chick rises to his feet with a barbell that was behind him, hundred-pound weights on each end, throwing it to the floor. His pained grunts muffle the sound of glass atomizing further under steel weights crashing into the already fractured mess on the now-frayed carpet flooring.
Chick: I’M OFFENDED YOU’D EVEN ASK THAT QUESTION! SERIOUSLY, DID YOU SEE CLASSIC TV?
Billy: Uh, of course I did, I was there…
Chick: THEN YOU KNOW! DEREK MIRACLE HAD THE GALL TO INSINUATE THAT THIS BODY IS NOT THE PRODUCT OF AN ORGANIC, DISCIPLINED LIFESTYLE!
As Chick points to himself, several pimples on his back and shoulders pop, oozing pus onto his Muscle Beach tank top.
Chick: 4 AM, I WAKE UP. PROTEIN SHAKE FROM GNC. SHOWER AND MORNING POSE-OFF. 4:15 AM, ARMS, CHEST AND NECK. 4:50 AM, ANOTHER PROTEIN SHAKE FROM GNC. 5:05 AM LISTEN TO IRON MAIDEN TO GET BLOOD PUMPING. 5:55 AM DRINK BLACK COFFEE TO KEEP BLOOD PUMPING. 6:15 AM FIRST SERVING OF CHICKEN BREAST. 6:28 AM HEAD, SHOULDERS, KNEES, AND TOES…
Billy: Okay, I believe you, I believe you. But regardless of what Derek Miracle said about you, you do have to enter this weightlifting competition with him. What is your strategy?
Chick: I’m gonna lift things up and put them down. Hm, that actually might be an effective advertising slogan for a gym such as this one day, I should write it down.
Billy: I’m sorry, you’re going to what?
Chick: ARE YOU DOUBTING MY ABILITY AT LIFTING WEIGHTS, YOU SKINNY NERD?
Billy: No, I’m just asking, what was that all about advertising?
Chick: OH, SO YOU THINK THAT BECAUSE I SPEND SO MUCH TIME TRAINING MY HOT BOD THAT I CAN’T NURTURE MY BRAIN INTO CREATIVE ENDEAVORS THAT FULFILL THE PARTS THAT AREN’T HARDWIRED TO MAKE THESE SICK GAINZ?
Billy: You know what, forget I asked. Do you have any final words for Derek Miracle before this weightlifting competition?
Chick: FINAL WORDS? ARE YOU INSINUATING THAT MY RATE OF MUSCLE GAINZ ARE SO RAPID THAT I WILL DROP DEAD OF A HEART ATTACK OR A STROKE BEFORE THEN?
Billy: No! I’m just saying, you only get so much time to address your opponent during the promotional period before the match on Classic Wrestling TV.
Chick: You’re skating on thin ice, nerd.
Chick turns towards the camera Billy brought with him.
Chick: DEREK MIRACLE. It’s one thing to challenge Chick Grillbreast after a SUCCESSFUL debut here in Classic Wrestling. It’s a SUICIDE MISSION, but I at least have to respect your guts. But for you to INSINUATE THAT I DO ANABOLIC STEROIDS? THAT MADE ME SO MAD THAT I HAD TO LOOK UP WHAT WORD WOULD BEST DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DID. That’s how I came to learn the word “insinuate” and use it twice today so far. Thank you for that, BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT. THE POINT IS, I’M GOING TO LIFT SO MANY WEIGHTS AND POSE, MAKING ALL THE SEXY LADIES IN THE AUDIENCE THROW THEIR PANTIES AT ME. AND YOU’RE GONNA BE SO EMBARRASSED THAT I DOUBT YOU’LL WANT TO CONTINUE YOUR CAREER HERE IN CLASSIC. WHEN YOU MESS WITH “ALL-NATURAL” CHICK GRILLBREAST, YOU GET NOTHING BUT PAIN. I’M GONNA EMBARRASS YOU SO BAD, THE ONLY SPOTTER YOU’LL NEED IS SHARON… NO CHARTO, NO… UH, THAT GUY WHO RIDES THE FERRY ACROSS THE RIVER IN GREECE OR WHATEVER. GOD. NOW GET OUTTA MY WAY NERD, I GOTTA CLEAN UP IN HERE OR ELSE THEY’LL REVOKE MY MEMBERSHIP.
Chick begins cleaning as Billy gives the “cut” sign. Fade to the Classic logo.