A flashy graphic streaks onto the screen accompanied by some dramatic orchestral music:
“ABC News 5 – Cleveland”
We cut to our two anchors, Danita Harris and Rob Powers, sitting behind the News 5 desk.
Rob Powers: Welcome back. Please join us later today at the 6pm news update for continuing coverage of our breaking top story: a crazed man has holed himself up in the local Starbucks and is demanding free frappes for life. Police are currently trying to talk him down.
Danita Harris: That’s right, Rob. But before we get to that, we have Katie McGraw standing by with the weather… and I’m told she has an unusual guest today?
The camera cuts to Katie McGraw, perky weatherperson, standing in front of a large green screen projection of the greater Cleveland area. Clouds swirl over the map in various colors. Katie smiles into the camera.
Katie McGraw: That’s right, Danita. We thought we’d do something a little different today for our viewers at home and we have a guest weathercaster. He’s known across the greater Cleveland area as Papa Wild Thang… we have “Feral” Fred Kilgore!
The camera is suddenly filled with a blurry, flesh colored hue. We hear a snarl, and we see that the fleshy blob is actually Freddy Kilgore, filling up the entire lens. As he begins to move backwards he comes into focus – walking backwards and flexing his baby-oil glinted muscles. Katie McGraw is laughing at the over-the-top antics of the Classic powerhouse.
Kilgore takes position next to Katie McGraw, not taking his eyes off the camera.
Katie: My goodness! Fred Kilgore, welcome!
Kilgore flexes and leans forward, still looking into the lens.
He leans back, getting animated with his hands.
“You know, it’s Papa Wild Thang’s honor to be here. All I keep hearing from my little Wildhearts is that you are the BIGGEST, the BADDEST, the UNDISPUTED CHAMPION of the weather, baby. And Freddy Kilgore had to come and see it for himself. So even though I am king of the mat, baby, I’m gonna let you show me the way.”
Katie is laughing along with Kilgore’s promo, at the absurdness of it all. She points off screen.
Katie: Well, it’s all yours. You just read what’s in the prompter.
Kilgore turns and squints at the teleprompter. His eyes track for a second, and then he throws up two large hands.
“Never been much of a reader, baby! PAPA WILD THANG IS GONNA WING IT LIKE THE KING OF THE JUNGLE SHOULD!”
Katie seems taken aback by this. She looks off camera in a plea for help. But Kilgore pays this no mind – he puffs up his muscular frame and almost subtly pushes her away so that he is in the center of the focus. He points into the lens.
“LISTEN UP, MY LITTLE WILD HEARTS! FIRST, THE HEAVENS WILL WEEP! THE RAIN WILL FLOW DOWN LIKE PAPA WILD THANG’S BIG RIGHT HANDS!! BUT WE WILL NOT BE INTIMATED! WE WILL NOT SHRINK AWAY FROM NATURE’S FURY, OH NO!”
Kilgore mimes body slamming someone.
“WE WILL TAKE THOSE RAIN CLOUDS, MY DUDES, AND WE WILL RAISE THEM HIGH OVER OUR HEADS AND SEND THEM CRASHING DOWN WITH THE FORCE OF A DOZEN ROCKETS!! THE RAIN CLOUDS WILL BEG FOR MERCY, BUT WE AIN’T GIVING THEM NONE TODAY, WILD HEARTS!! WE WILL CRUSH ‘EM!! WE WILL BREAK ‘EM!! AND AT THE END OF THIS TITANIC STRUGGLE, BABY, WE WILL HAVE SHOWN MOTHER NATURE WHO IS BOSS AS THE CLOUDS PART IN GENERAL FEAR OF FREDDY KILGORE’S GAZE!! THE SUN WILL SHINE DOWN ON FREDDY KILGORE AND ALLLLLLLLL THE WILD HEARTS!!!”
He has worked himself into a fury. Once he finishes, there is absolute silence. Katie McGraw comes into frame. She looks unsure of how to proceed.
Katie: Well… that was something! I think… AHHH!
Katie is suddenly scooped up by Freddy Kilgore. Holding the blond anchor in his arms, Kilgore again points off screen, but this time in a different direction.
“AND YOU, ROB POWERS!!! FREDDY KILGORE HEARD YOU RUNNING YOUR MOUTH WHILE HE WAS IN THE GREEN ROOM!!!! PAPA WILD THANG WANTS TO KNOW HOW BRAVE YOU ARE NOW!?!?”
Still holding Katie, Kilgore suddenly darts off camera. The camera turns to track him, and he sprints through the production area that separates the anchor desk and weather station. Rob Powers darts away in fear as Kilgore leaps on top of the anchor desk. Suddenly, hard cut to:
“WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK”