Matthew McConaughey’s perfect, chiseled features fill our television screens.
At first we think it might be an extreme close-up of a movie poster but suddenly he speaks. Not only does he speak but the first words out of this exceptionally famous mouth are…
“Felton by-God Bigsby, you need to let your true self shine, my boy.”
Getting a panoramic view of the situation we see we’re on a beautiful veranda overlooking the unmistakable south central Texas hill country. The Academy award winning actor is splayed out across a big sofa, shirtless, in a pair of simple linen pants with what looks to be a pair of fancy womens sunglasses perched atop his head… as one is want to do, if you’re Matthew McConaughey obviously. God, that man can pull off anything.
Across from the future governor of the (could be) great Lone Star state sits a man twice his size and then some. A wall sized human wrapped in a burnt orange University of Texas t-shirt. Felton Bigsby perches across from the A-lister with a bemused if not frustrated look on his face. McConaughey nonetheless continues.
“You gotta open that third eye and see your true path, my big bad bruiser. You aint a student athlete anymore, you wrote that check and it bounced my man. But Uncle Matty, he scooped you up, baby bird. He helped finance the mending of your broken wings and hooked you up with the meanest, nastiest, most underhanded pro wrestling management in the GAME. I laid down the cobblestones now you gotta pick up your truth and walk that path… ”
Felton leans back on the sofa, rubbing a hand down his face.
“Mr. McConaughey… “
“Just Matty, baby. Matty.”
“I can’t thank you enough for what you done for me. Most athletes don’t get a second chance. And like I been tellin’ you I’m not wastin’ it. Not wastin’ time neither. This tag team partner Hilton hooked me up with is a living breathing example of everything I don’t want in this line of work, man. Years grindin’ and gettin’ treated second rate, nah son. I been a star since the day I set foot out the womb. I aint curtain jerkin’ for a decade only to ‘yes sir, no sir’ around the locker room like some midcard act PUNK.”
McConaughey starts to slowly get up off the sofa. An excited look in his… I mean, let’s be honest, pretty darn inebriated looking eyes.
“Walk that path, baby. Tell ‘em. Tell the lifelong runner-up you’re facin’ in your debut, baby! Let yer’ caboose loose!”
‘Matty’ starts to do a cool ass little dance over to the sofa Felton is still perched on.
“Let mister third place know what he’s walkin’ into! Let it seep into his and every other mind within the sound of your squawk box, my big meaty friend that you… ”
He gives Felton’s massive left peck a solid fleshy slap.
The star of Dallas Buyers Club slowly points towards ‘us.’
“… are a different breed of cat.”
Felton gets to his feet.
“Like I said, this is round two for Felton Bigsby. A lot of improbable stuff had to happen for me to get here, man. Poor kid from the worst side of Houston gets a scholarship. Goes to college to play ball and becomes the MAN. You know what it’s like to go from the bottom to the top back on to the damn bottom, Jack Fargo? This crazy ass white man behind me happens to be blood loyal to the UT football program and reached out when I was lost… “
“My my son, is this the story of a hero? Maybe I’ll float this feel-good tale up the beanstalk in lala-land, baby… “
McConaughey continues to gyrate and dance in the background.
“Nah, son. See.. I ain’t afraid to do what it takes to get to the top. It’s why this particular line of work is my second act. It’s why Matty here hooked me up with Doris Hilton. It’s why I’m gonna’ leave you embarrassed, Fargo. I’m about to make my way to TV and make the whitest man I ever seen lace up a pair of boots drop to his knees and thank whatever God he pray to that he made the decision to wear brown tights.”
McConaughey leans back into frame.
“Why’s that, brotherman?”
Felton snarls an amused little smile.
“Because I’mma straight up make this boy [censored] hisself.”
You knew it was comin’.
“Well, alright alright alright.”