Hug me, Harry!
Kiss Me, Bigsby!
Be My Lover, Undercover!
Dipping his hand into a glass jar full of candy hearts, the Real World Heavyweight Champion, Vito Valentino, chuckles as he reads the little customized messages printed on them – all of which represent a member of the Classic Wrestling locker room. Popping them into his mouth, the crunching sound of sugary cuteness cuts through the silence of the backroom in MECCA.
Mulling over paper invoices that indicate expenditures over the last month, Vito scribbles his signature onto each of them. While he does this, an open newspaper rests on the executive desk upon which Vito sits behind. The visible headline reads, “CLASSIC WRESTLING IS BACK!”, in the upper righthand corner, and includes the line-up for the fourteenth edition of Classic Wrestling TV. The article goes on to hype the end of the Winter Break and pose rumors about the goings on of each wrestler during their seasonal respite.
Just as he adds his John Hancock to the last form, he puts the Lunchbox Larry pen down on the table. Sighing contentedly, knowing he’s finished pouring over documents and forms for his arcade business, Vito looks into the camera and speaks to the Classic Wrestling audience for the first time in over a month.
We’re doin’ this again, eh? If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear this was a sequel to a buddy-cop comedy. But I do know better. And what I know better than anyone else? It’s how to beat the pair of you miserable idiots.
Metro picks up the Real World Championship that sat on the other side of the desk and places it across his shoulder that’s hidden underneath a hot pink polo.
Before I go into that, though, let’s address the obvious. Unfortunately, Rush wasn’t available for the rematch with ‘Colossal Business’ – you can use that going forward if you want. Fortunately, I know a dude who is available and ready to unleash a boot across your faces. His name? ‘Feral’ Freddy Kilgore, baby!
You see, I’ve seen Freddy in action plenty of times. I’ve even seen him win the Premier American Championship up close and personal after he dumped me over the top rope back at Slam-A-Thon ’21! And with that luscious mane of blonde hair, that howlin’ voice, and those fierce eyes? It’s enough to make even the emptiest bladder wanna release all over the floor. So get ready for ‘The Feral METRO’, boys, ‘cause neither of you two are gonna stop us from runnin’ wild on you!
Another candy heart makes an appearance; this one reads ‘Rub My Feet, Bobby!”
With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, Alex, I gotta ask… are we soulmates or somethin’? You know every move of mine and I know every move of yours. I’d say we know each other even more than Starsky & Hutch. That makes it much harder to beat you.
On the flipside? That makes it much harder for you to beat me. So you know what? I welcome the challenge, bud. ‘Cause I can only grow as a competitor and improve my game by hoppin’ up on that horse and chargin’ forward again and again. ‘Sides, I’m all for sharpenin’ the blade that slays a dragon named Bruder, and come this Sunday? I’m gonna carve your heart out for a third time.
He takes one more candy heart from the jar and laughs out loud as he reads the print on it: ‘Let’s have a scandal, Randall!’
As for you, Lord Colostomy? I’ve been itchin’ for a chance to meet you in the ring again. Thankfully, the wrestlin’ gods have obliged me and this Sunday I get the chance to re-introduce myself to your incoherent, lumberin’ self. And when we meet in that ring? I’mma beat the stupid out of you by droppin’ you on your hollowed out noggin’.
I won’t need to scream like an idiot or have an irritatin’ microbe like Walt Whezl speakin’ on my behalf to do it, either. Nope. All I need to do is walk up to you, lift your oversized leather wearin’ butt up and put you down with a Brooklyn Backbreaker. Then I twist those tree trunks of yours up and make the biggest psycho this side of the nut house do what you do best in that creepy get-up of yours: submit.
Leaning forward, Vito gives a wink to the camera.
Breaktime’s over, fellas. Welcome BACK… to the METROpolis!
Fade to black (and gold), baby!