We open to what appears to be a living room. A long brown leather couch is centered in our view, and sitting on the middle cushion, frowning and agitated, is Scott Hunter. He holds up an accusatory finger.
“First of all, HOW DARE YOU?!
And secondly? Also HOW DARE YOU?!
Oooooh, what do we have here? Mario and Luigi in wrestling tights. Smashed any turtles lately? Where’s Princess Peach, huh? Back in your trailer hopped up on crystal meth by the looks of you two.
This is what I’m supposed to face this week? Really?
Oooh, we are fancy circus men. Oooh, we are named after a fancy alcohol, oooh look at our mustaches, oooh, we follow the ancient Bushido Code! More like Bullshido. In fact, I’m not sure you actually follow it at all, you frauds, but no matter!
I can do everything you can do. Nothing you’re doing is impressive.”
Suddenly the wall behind him is revealed to be a giant green screen, and a video of a circus performance lights up the scene. A man is juggling bowling pins on one side, elephants in tutus are dancing on the other, a bearded lady is kissing Bobby Dean…. Oh wait, that’s a walrus…
“Look’a at a’me! I’m’a MARIO! Dees is’a my bro’ther! LUIGI! NO! It is’a Carlo, and a’Gomez! You canna not tell us apart! I’m’a Carlo, he’s a Carlo, I’m’a Gomez, he’s a Gomez! We just cast a spell to confuse’a you! Now you will’a not’a know who you are actually a’facing! Carlo! Gomez! Morticia! Grand-a-mama! You never will’a know! I have’a goatee! He have’a mustachio! This is’a magical facial hair confusion!”
The scene changes again, this time it appears to be the seance scene from the Haunted Mansion ride at Walt Disney World. Madame Leota is floating in her crystal ball halfway to the ceiling, and we can clearly see ride vehicles riding around on a track in front near the bottom of the screen.
“Serpents and spiders, tail of a cat, call in the spirits, wherever they’re at! Rap on a table – it’s time to respond. Send us a message from somewhere beyond!”
[Sound of table knocking]
“Goblins and ghoulies from last Halloween, awaken the spirits with your tambourine!”
The scene shifts again to a video clip of the Partridge Family. Shirley Partridge is doing a jaunty little dance while playing the tambourine.
Immediately the scene shifts back to the seance room.
“Creepies and crawlies, toads in a pond, let there be music from regions beyond!”
The scene shifts again, now to the official music video to the 1982 Steve Miller Band hit, “Abracadabra”.
Scott Hunter looks confused, turns his head to watch the video, then moves his head back and forth briefly to the catchy rhythm. Suddenly he catches himself, straightens up and turns around, scowling.
The screen goes blank.
“Again I say, more forcefully and right in this camera here…
HOW DARE YOU?!
How dare you think that I am just some pansy pushover? You two get fired from Chuck E. Cheese and that means the rest of us have to be tortured by your mind-numbing stereotype nonsense? I am a PROFESSIONAL… WRESTLER! Do you two dolts understand? Cannoli in your ears? Wave around that magic wand and whip up some personality, you couple buckets of well-dressed dog crap!
You two may be able to work your weird twin magic on the hapless tag teams around here, but you will not be successful against me! Smile and giggle all you want, you cackling little twits, but I’m serious as a heart attack that I don’t plan to ever have when I say that I WILL, AS ALWAYS…. Use all of my limbs to destroy Carlo… Gomez…. ARRGH!! I’LL TAKE YOU BOTH TOGETHER! I’ll RIP YOU BOTH APART!”
Scott closes his eyes, composing himself.
“My friend and assistant Craig has been telling me that I need to control my impulses and not get so angry all the time, even when faced with two pizza delivery boys wearing my baby sisters’ matching dance recital costumes. So just know this. There will be no crystal ball, though there will be ‘spirited’ competition. I will erase both of your faces from my mind, never to be considered again.”
Scott stands up.
“Good day.”
He takes three steps toward the side of the screen, then yells out…
“I SAID GOOD DAY!”
Hunter feigns a lunge in the direction of the camera, then turns and finally, walks away.