(The camera opens on a festively decorated door as a hand reaches out and presses it’s doorbell. It immediately swings open, prompting a tiny gasp as The Undercover Lover appears in the doorway sporting a black cape, a black somberero cordobe, a domino mask over his own, and a drawn on pencil thin mustache. He goes to reach for his side, but a woman in a black suit and shades appears next to him and catches his hand.)
“Happy Samhain, Dia de los Muertos, and Halloween! Undercover Lover here with company to keep him from being obscene. The fed thought my innuendos were going in too deep, so they sent me Angela from Standards and Practices to keep the sponsors from losing sleep.”
(The female suit no-look socks The Lover in the shoulder.)
“OH HAVE MERCY! she’s already dishing out the reprimand. She gives a slap on the wrist while worrying about the whereabouts of Lover’s other hand. Because of that I’ll keep it clean and toe the company line while we talk about the reason for the season and compare it to Shooter’s byline.”
(Angela forewarns The Lover with a raise of her backhand.)
“Easy. Now Shooter’s a lot like a trick r’ treater if you take a moment for character gleaning. He shows up on every promotion’s doorstep lookin’ for handouts while fearing a teeth cleaning. As he trots the globe lookin’ for treats to fill his sack, men like Lover have been known for doing the opposite at his house after goin’ in around the back. OH HAVE-”
(Angela pulls a stun gun and brandishes it threateningly toward The Lover.)
“Now how is that acceptable? How is that okay? How is that more family friendly than Lover’s cunning…repartee?”
(Angie gives a warning spark from the stun gun before sliding it back into her pocket.)
“Now The Lover’s seen what you can do and he doesn’t think it has legs. So instead of getting trick or a treat this year, you get greasy ham and eggs! The Lover says take your egg suckin’ lips and your ham bearin’ hips and go ride the rails to the next town, because as long as Lover haunts the CW roster’s houses it’ll be “The Fed That Dreaded Sundown”. As for your house Shooter? we both know there’s no lewdness there to be enacted. Anything you’ve ever had that I’d want, a dentist has already extracted.”
(The Lover cautiously shoulders through the gap in the door between the frame and his keeper, putting his hands up for Angela to see as he steps out on the front porch.)
“What’s sad is that you haven’t learned anything at the end of the day. Instead of fighting for her to come home, you continue to stay away. Well have no fear because Lover’s here to send you home with heartache that’ll leave you looking up at the ceiling! Maybe after I beat you, you’ll realize what matters and go pick your lady up from getting her filling.”
(The Lover flinches at the sound of the stun gun sparking behind him once more. He rolls his eyes and cuts them over his shoulder at Angela standing behind to him with the gun hovering just inches from his hindquarters. The Lover turns and sidles up to iron jawed Angela. After the S&P rep stares him down unflinchingly behind her shades, The Lover decides to beg off and slowly walks backwards down the front porch steps. He whispers out the side of his mouth to the camera-wielding trick r’ treater, never letting his eyes leave the foreboding Angela.)
“Now here’s my final message for Landell before I’m going: If you think you’re putting down stakes here by beating me, then your ignorance is showing. I may be here for a good time, a good rhymes, and depravity; but I’m also here to end your world like that dentist tending to your wife’s cavity. I don’t mind being the masked man mocked for kiss stealing men into sorrow. So long as I get mine in the end and leave my mark, just like my amigo Zorro.”
(The Lover flips open his cape to reveal a rapier at his side. He unsheathes it and carves his initials into the trick r’ treater’s bag, causing candy to fall out onto the ground. Angela lunges off of the porch after Lover as the camera fades to black to the sound of the stun gun going off once more.)
“OH HAVE MERCY!”