The cameras are live at the Gold’s Gym, only it’s closed. No one is there except “All-Natural” Chick Grillbreast, who sits on a throne made of empty GNC protein powder bottles that he has hastily adhered together with duct tape. His Gold’s Gym A-shirt is freshly pressed, as are his ADIDAS track pants. He grips Lord Colossus’ mask in his right hand so hard that it’s a different shade of red than the rest of his exposed skin.
CHICK: Alright you pencil-necked GEEKS. I’m hearing word that you NERDS thought I didn’t show up to Classic TV this week because I was SCARED of facing retribution from that FAKE FAT PHONY Lord Colossus. THAT CAN’T BE ANY FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH, YOU JABRONIS AND SKINNY FAT LOSER NERDS. IT MAKES ME SO MAD TO HEAR SUCH UNTRUTHFUL RUMORS SPREAD ABOUT ME, CHICK GRILLBREAST, THE MAN WHO IS IN THE GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS FOR BEING THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS A NEGATIVE PERCENTAGE OF BODY FAT. ALL I WANT TO DO IS BREAK STUFF IN THE VICINITY OF MY GOOD FRIEND FRED DURST, WHO I HEAR IS STARTING A ROCK BAND THAT HE WILL CALL LIMP BISCUIT OR SOMETHING. THAT NAME IS SO BAD IT MAKES ME ANGRY.
Chick stands up off his throne and with his left hand picks up a dumbbell, horking it across the gym, making a heavy thud off-camera. He dusts himself off and collects himself before sitting back on his ramshackle throne in the middle of the empty gym.
CHICK: If you SCURRILOUS LIARS…
Chick grabs his infamous word-of-the-day calendar from behind him and points to the word “scurrilous” on it.
CHICK: …think that you can smear MY GOOD NAME like that without getting a payback from ME, THE MOST NATURALLY BUFF DUDE IN THE HISTORY OF NOT ONLY CLASSIC WRESTLING, BUT PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING ITSELF, you are sadly mistaken. And your head is probably sadly misshapen too. AND I KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT MISSHAPEN HEADS. My dad used to volunteer at Aunt Melba’s Home For People With Irregularly Shaped Heads. AND MOST OF THOSE PEOPLE WERE LIARS AND MISCREANTS.
He grabs the calendar again and points to the entry with the word “miscreant” on it.
CHICK: The reason why I wasn’t at Classic TV was because I had to prepare for CLASSICMANIA and to claim my RIGHTFUL SPOT as the SWOLEST SWOLE BRO on the roster. You see, Lord Colossus, I thought to myself. Yes, you’re impressive, racking up all those wins, making a name for yourself as the biggest, baddest dude on the roster, BUT YOU HAVEN’T FACED THIS PHYSIQUE YET, BRO.
Chick stands up and does the classic “Hulk Hogan front curl flex.”
CHICK: I MISSED CLASSICMANIA BECAUSE IT WAS A FOREGONE CONCLUSION THAT I WOULD BEAT THE LORD AND BECOME SOMETHING BIGGER AND MORE IMPORTANT THAN A LORD. A KING. THAT’S WHY I HAD TO BUILD THIS THRONE, BRO. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I HAD TO REINFORCE THESE EMPTY PROTEIN POWDER BOTTLES TO BE ABLE TO HOLD MY RIPPLING, ALL-NATURAL PHYSIQUE? Fifteen times, AND I HAD TO USE BOTH MY HANDS AND ONE OF MY FEET TO COUNT TOO.
Chick holds up Colossus’ mask.
CHICK: IF YOU THINK WHAT I TOOK FROM YOU AT CLASSIC TV 20 HIT YOU WHERE IT HURT, IMAGINE WHAT I’M GOING TO TAKE FROM YOU AT THE BIGGEST SHOW OF THE YEAR. You aren’t going to be the biggest on the roster, no matter how any FAKE POUNDS you add on with all that flab. You aren’t going to be the toughest. All those wins you racked up were impressive, but you never faced a man like me, WITH ALL THIS NATURALLY-BUILT MUSCLE.
Chick flexes and kisses his bicep.
CHICK: LORD COLOSSUS. I’m going to finish the job I started, and then you yourself are going to put the crown on my head as KING OF THE SWOLE BROS. And I will rule CLASSIC WRESTLING WITH AN IRON FIST. Skinny fat nerds Randall Schwartz? THEY’LL HAVE PROTEIN POWDER MIXING DUTY. Fat loads like Bobby Dean? SENTENCED TO CARDIO. And you, Lord Colossus? When I’m done with you, you’ll beg me to have the honor of carrying my palanquin…
The calendar makes an appearance again.
CHICK: But guess what, nerd. I won’t let you. You’ll be in a cage, dancing for the swole masses like the joke you are.
Fade to the Classic Wrestling logo.