Seated inside the training facility they have established for “Jurassic” Joe Stone to conduct ongoing research, one Dr. Selah Graves studies wrestling tapes carefully. Specifically, tapes for one…
Dr. Graves: Scott Hunter. A man with a hunger for success; a man with a deadly hold that can be applied to debilitate most wrestlers, especially larger ones. Joe Stone was able to dispatch a similar grappler in Shooter Landell with relative ease, thanks to his brute strength. However, in this sport, the same strategies may not always work twice. Wrestlers can adapt. They study tape much like I find myself doing now…
An exhaustive sigh.
Dr. Graves: And unfortunately, our investigations into the paranormal at In Your Haunted House put our research budget back in the red. We need this win not only to further our research into Joe Stone’s origins… but we also owe a hefty penny to the owners of the Gund Arena for Joe clubbing holes in their walls.
She turns her head and over her shoulder, Joe Stone looks only half-interested in the footage of Hunter taking apart Rush Starling with his signature Figure-Four. She stops recording.
Dr. Graves: Joe… match! Joe, study. Joe, victorious!
Joe Stone: No, Doctor… Joe… HUNGRY!
A facepalm from the world-renowned archaeologist.
Dr. Graves: No, Joe, this is important! Focus! Watch this man! His approach is different from your last opponent. Think… in your time, two million years ago, when you were the champion wrestler of your civilization… Was there ever a hold like this? They call this the Figure-Four Leg Lock. The opponent will seek to work over your knee, which is a common tactic in dealing with larger wrestlers.
Joe Stone: Hmm….
He opts to stay silent and study while Dr. Graves continues recording her examinations.
Dr. Graves: In my extensive research, I’ve even found the phrase “every opponent is the same size on their back” which I thought was originally a double entendre of sorts, but does in fact apply to an in-ring tactic of grounding your opposition. We must keep Scott Hunter from employing his stratagem at all costs if we want our research to continue. This hold has been used by many great men and Scott Douglas is an up-and-comer who wants to put his own stamp on it. We must avoid this hold.
Graves looks back and watches Joe studying and then finally, his eyebrow raises. The rusty gear in his head has turned once!
Dr. Graves: Joe… what is it?
Joe starts to open his mouth…
Joe Stone: …Can I have turnb-
Dr. Graves: NO, DON’T YOU FINISH THAT SENTENCE! NO TURNBUCKLES UNTIL WE COME UP WITH A WAY TO DEFEAT SCOTT HUNTER!
Joe leans back in his buckling chair, disappointed. Dr. Graves goes back to the tape — specifically, to Hunter’s scathing critique of Rush Starling. She plugs in her earbuds to listen… and then recoils at some of what was said. After a few moments of hearing this, she pauses immediately.
Dr. Graves: Joe… I may have a solution here. This man verbally eviscerated another wrestler, Rush Starling, and that led to his victory. The young man was clearly off his game because this man said some rather… uncouth… things; things I dare not repeat. We get into his head… the match is already won and that winner’s purse is ours. Hold on…
Joe’s interest is piqued as she turns on her cell phone and then points directly at The Wrestler That Time Forgot.
Dr. Graves: Surely, you employed such tactics in those times, did you not? Intimidation tactics.
Joe Stone: Yes! Joe yell really loud! Scare other cavemen. Joe bring pain!
Finally making a connection, Dr. Graves jumps up in jubilation.
Dr. Graves: Yes! That’s it, exactly, Joe! Tell Scott Hunter what we’re going to do this week! Spare no feeling, no matter how unsavory! Perhaps throw in a barb about his relatives.
She records Joe, who looks right at the camera phone pointed at him.
Joe Stone: …RRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAHHH MOAR TURNBUCKLES!
Dr. Graves: Oh, my Lord… of science.
She throws her phone down on the table and her hands in the air.
Dr. Graves: Ugh, this isn’t working. Joe, let’s take a brief break. If nothing else, perhaps we club this this fellow into oblivion as well… I question some of his mental faculties…
She storms off, leaving Joe alone. He picks up the phone…
Joe Stone: …I TAKE MOM BACK TO CAVE AND HAVE WAY WITH HER! I WIN MATCH! AHHHHHHHHHH!