The scene opens inside a quiet corner of our familiar house of worship. The area is beautifully lit by candlelight bringing into view both a shy looking woman covered in a modest robe as well as the back of a man in black who is casually stretching his arm against the pillar beside them, leaning in towards the woman.
Unidentified Man: Seriously, baby. I can get us as much incense as I want…
He catches the woman’s distracted look toward the camera situated behind him, immediately turning to face it. The guilt is etched across the face of none other than Johnny Saint Nelson…for a split second before he raises his hand beside his head.
JSN: YOU SENSELESS HARLETT, SISTER PHILOMENA, BACK BACK!
He takes a few steps away from her, defensively firing air temptation away with his hand back in her direction. The incredibly shy Sister cowers while quickly departing the scene, leaving JSN to hold his hands on his hips and shaking his head in the direction to which she fled.
JSN: So unprofessional. You just can’t get good staff to focus on the job at hand nowadays. I guess I shouldn’t be too harsh on her. Temptation to give into one’s natural urges is a tricky foe to overcome…and in JSN’s line of work, it’s the most difficult challenge.
He wags his index finger with a smile.
JSN: But OHHHH LORDY, it’s not difficult for JAYYY ESSSS ENNNNN! No, sir-rie bob!
He proudly slicks his hair back before holding his hands out wide by his side in presenting fashion.
JSN: Just like my congregation witnessed at Slam-A-Thon, JSN overcame The Bus, Double Decker. I could have been forgiven had I taken the tempting and easy option straight out of that ring and on the first train home.
He holds his hand to his heart.
JSN: But The Saint never gives in to temptation. JSN proved to his congregation that his belief was superior to The Greyhound’s belief in US Transport.
At that moment, the sound of a classical organ grabs Johnny’s attention. A choir sings along, however, JSN dramatically covers his ears in agony.
JSN: NO NO NO! THIS WON’T DO, KAREN. FOR THE LOVE OF ME, NO!
Karen’s eyes shift, not quite sure what she has done wrong as JSN approaches her, slapping the hymn sheet out of her hands.
JSN: YOU WERE A FULL OCTAVE OUT, WENCHWOMAN! Official JSN Hymns…
He turns to face the camera with a shit eating grin
JSN: …Which are now available to buy from all good JSN Witnesses coming to people’s homes soon…
He turns back to a concerned looking Karen.
JSN: …are songs of beauty. There is no rebelliousness within these words, these sounds. What has gotten into you? Have you been listening to Heavy Metal music again?! How many times must I burn your cassettes?
She takes a moment to think, not realizing the question was rhetorical.
JSN: 1500 JSN Prayers, this time in the praying hole! STAT!
Pointing his finger in the direction of the hole, Karen despondently makes her way. He then clasps his hands together, turning his attention back toward the camera.
JSN: I too will pray. It’s not her fault. She is weak. In fact she goes weak at the knees for men like my opponent this Sunday in the main event of Classic Wrestling Episode 6…Rikki Roxx. And who can blame her? Everything about you Rikki screams rebellion. The long hair, the anti establishment, the extremely tight clothing, the fact you have two x’s in your name…
His eyes widened in horror.
JSN: I mean, who puts an X in their name? One X I can imagine, but two?! That’s overkill!
He scrunches his face and holds his index fingers crossed together out in front of him to signify his displeasure.
JSN: But Rikki, JSN understands that music is your religion and respects that you have devoted your life to it. It is your way to express yourself.
He swallows hard, as if about to throw up.
JSN: Your wild provocation and gesticulation drives women crazy and lustfully in your direction. Those women have husbands and children but they want you, a rock star…losing control to just another false idol?
He raises his good book from his pocket beside his head.
JSN: But alas, it’s your misguided rebellion and need for attention which will ultimately cry out for control…JAAAYYYY ESSSSS ENNNNN’s CONTROL!
Creepy grin.
JSN: And on Sunday, JSN will be in complete control.