A building drumroll accompanies dual spotlights twirl in figure-eight patterns across a gallant red curtain. Finally, the drumroll flourishes into a bombastic vaudeville waltz as the curtains pull aside to reveal the stage. Plumes of purple and green fire burst up in the background, illuminating a frumpy feminine silhouette standing in the center of the stage. Then, defying the laws of gravity in a most AMAZING fashion, the AMAZING AMARETTOS magically float down from the rafters, their capes fluttering behind them.
Carlo: Bask in the wonder and majesty, little people of Classique Wrestling! For the AMAZING AMARETTOS have returned!
Gomez: The Tag Team Masters of Magic and Mayhem are once again primed to leave the miserable lot of you astounded, awe-struck, and, most of all, AMAZED!
Drifting in at an “X” pattern, the brothers Amaretto land perfectly on either side of their semi-lovely assistant Suzi, dead-eyed and burned halfway through a menthol Marlboro. The trio link arms around the waists to pose as Carlo and Gomez hold out their hats, and you can just barely hear the clink of wires being unhooked behind their backs.
Carlo: YES!! For even in spite of being unceremoniously snubbed from an AMAZING appearance at “In Your Haunted House”, we are poised to bring the magic back to the squared circle at the Episode Undici!
Gomez: Our claim to the prestigious Tag Team Championships of Classique Wrestling has not been lost and forgotten to the ethereal plane! Sooner than you can say “ALLAKHAZAM”, we will avenge the humiliation we suffered at Slam-A-Thon when we take those titles from that revolting BOBBY DEAN!
Suzi: …except Foreign Legion are the champs now.
Their smiles melt into annoyed sneers pointed in the assistant’s direction. Still staring off into nothing, she responds to their ire by letting out an apathetic puff of smoke. Carlo and Gomez break form and return the hats to their heads, as Suzi takes her cue to saunter out of the frame and give them the stage.
Carlo: In any case, we pledge that we are spell-bound and determined to stake our rightful claim to those Tag Team Championships, regardless of whoever holds them!
Gomez: HA! As if our dazzlingly dominant non-title trouncing of the bulbous Bobby and his teeny confederate wasn’t enough proof that we are undisputedly the greatest and most magical tag team in all of Classique Wrestling!
Carlo: I suppose we’ll have to remind these foolish non-believers once again, this time against a filthy fraternity who call themselves “The Bolts”!
Gomez: Bolts?! Bolts of what? Lighting? Crossbows? Linen!? If you ask me, they appear to be more NUTS than Bolts! After all, it is simply NUTS to suggest that a tag team as AMAZING as the two of us are merely “mediocre”!
Carlo: “Mediocre?!” EGADS! Such a pathetique pejorative is an insult on the level of amateur hucksters and snivelling children! We’ve made people magically disappear into slabs on concrete for less!
Gomez: To be called “mediocre” by such feeble, fright-mongering fools is simply laughable! They seem to have forgotten that Spooky Season is over! I’m surprised they did not begin their presentation with, “THIS IS A MESSAGE FROM THE KA-BOLTS!”
Carlo: Could we truly be afraid of the VOID, Gomez?
Gomez: Poppycock! We look into the eyes of the void every single day!
They look to stage right, and a quick pan takes us over to lovely-assistant Suzi, sparking a match to light up another Marlboro and shooting a snot rocket through her nose to put it out. Her dead eyes don’t budge from her thousand-mile stare. Somewhere far off, a vulture shrieks. It’s a downright ghoulish sight. The camera whips back to the Amarettos.
Carlo: Really, when you’ve had to see THAT on a daily basis, what is there to be afraid of? Our opponents, after all, are mere thralls under the spell of some amateur hypnotist and aspiring Thespian homunculus known by the absolutely atrocious stage name of “Waltz Whezl”.
Gomez: Parlor tricks! Do they really expect anyone to believe that!? REAL magic is about the smoke and mirrors, and the sleight of hand!
Carlo: We’ll have to introduce these buffoonish KA-Bolts to our own electric and enigmatic equivoque!
Gomez: For our foes, it can be downright agonizing! But to all else who bear witness, it is simply…
Wait for it…
Carlo & Gomez: AMAZING!! HAHAHAHA!!!
A dule of doves flourish up from below the camera as the cackling brothers disappear in twin puffs of smoke. Cut to black