Friends, t’was the night before Classic Wrestling: Episode 9 – and Double Decker was in trouble.
We join a snowy scene. The white stuff is everywhere, coating every tree, rock, hill, valley, and perhaps most important of all, the immediate area around the bus that dominates the shot. It’s stuck. Stuck as hell, and it ain’t going nowhere.
DOUBLE DECKER: … no, no! The snow is the problem. No crime has been committed here, sir…
The Man With The Waistline Comparable To A Van has an old cellphone pressed against his ear. Clad in full driver’s outfit, hat and all, he doesn’t look particularly at home in this frozen wilderness, but he sure as hell ain’t complaining about it. Nonetheless, his face twists with confusion as whoever is on the other end answers back.
DOUBLE DECKER: Whaddaya mean you can’t help me?! I’m on a mountain, you’re a mountie… come on, guys!
Decker, who seemingly thinks a mountie can help him dig his bus out of a massive pile of snow on the side of a mountain, is crestfallen. He sighs, shakes his head, and notices the camera, sliding his phone back into his pocket. Snowflakes flutter around his head, some resting on his highway-wide shoulders.
DOUBLE DECKER: Hey Classic Wrestling fans, how you doing out there?! It’s your pal The Big Greyhound here and I am…
He looks around, pondering his predicament.
DOUBLE DECKER: Well, stuck. Extremely stuck.
It’s an accurate description. Lord knows whether or not the thing Decker has marooned his bus on is even a road, let alone a dirt path, but it sure as hell is covered in snow. Too much snow for a bloody bus. Silly Double Decker!
DOUBLE DECKER: Ol’ Decky’s gotten himself in a bit of a pickle this week, guys, because when he heard he was facing Dewey Smarts on Classic Wrestling: Episode 9, he just had to come up here to Canada, say hello to his new friend, sample some of the finest maple syrup, hang out with Tim Horton, and have a hoot of a time! Little did he know that a bus can’t climb Mount Logan!
The snow is pissing out of the sky but Decker doesn’t stop once to rub his arms to keep warm. Instead, he stays focused.
DOUBLE DECKER: What a challenge, friends! But that’s the battle I face this week! Can The Big Greyhound scale the summit?! Can he overcome the obstacle once again, plant his flag atop Mount Dewey, and take the win? How will he bust this snow off of these here wheels, walk into the Classic Wrestling studio, and cruise his way to victory?! Well we all face an obstacle at some point in our lives, brothers and sisters. El Doublé is no different and Dewey, you’re about to find out.
A bright crack of sunlight escapes through a brief break in the clouds, making parts of the snow almost blinding to look at it. It’s clear from the peaks in the background that Decker has made it impressively high up the mountain before getting stuck.
DOUBLE DECKER: Dewey, brother, me and you got a lot in common! We both share a passion for golden syrup, mice, and air hockey… you know, Canadian things! But we also share a passion for whoopin’ ass, and that’s the business this Big Greyhound is in! And there ain’t a journey this body-slammin’ machine can’t make! You might think I’m stuck right now, but that would be a mistake, my friend, because the Decker has a solution to every problem!
The mammoth man trudges through the show, hops into the bus, and presses a button on the dashboard. Something rumbles beneath the vehicle.
DOUBLE DECKER: It’s like they always say, you can’t keep a good bus down! Except, in this case, you can, because here I go!
Like a Transformer, the bus’ wheels have turned into skis. The bus shifts free from the bulk of the snow, slowly sliding down the slope…
And here it comes!
DOUBLE DECKER: HOOOOONNNNNNNNKKKKKK!
And there he goes! The bus slides all the way down the mountain and into your hearts, his predicament over.