“HOLY HELL! IS ‘AT GOT DANG WOODERSON HIMSELF?!
Gordy Lovett walks into the room followed closely by the managerial equivalent of the wicked witch of the west, Doris Hilton. Felton Bigsby just proclaimed to the world he was preparing to make Olympic Bronze medalist Jack Fargo defecate himself at CWTV 11. Spokesman for Wild Turkey’s Longbranch bourbon Matthew McConaughey continues to dance in the background to music only he can hear.
Gordy walks RIGHT past his new, massive tag team partner and approaches the Hollywood megastar.
“Weeeell split me open with a samurai sword and call me two smaller people! Man I’ve seen Dazed and Confused like seven hundred times! My Peepaw has a little shrine to you in his dang ol’ closet, man!”
Felton doesn’t take the slight in passing, immediately grabbing Gordy by his massive shoulder, spinning him around and getting RIGHT in the face of the Texas Stampede. Rolling her eyes, Doris walks between the two and approaches McConaughey with a wide smile and her hand extended. The star of Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation takes her hand and gives it a peck right on top.
“My Georgia Peach, you’re looking ravishing as always.”
She motions back over her shoulder towards the two men who might make up a proper Hilton Promotions tag team, if properly motivated.
“You see what I was talkin’ about, dear. They’re both feisty as all heck, but… well… “
McConaughey smiles.
“Aaawwwww, that’s an easy fix… I was just tellin’ ol’ Bigs here all about bein’ honest. I don’t think Doris is the right person to make a Texas sized introduction of this magnitude. Texas is a good ol’ place, man. You got the pastures and wide openness represented by this hard workin’ raw boned wrassler right here… and the bright lights and attitude of one of the biggest toughest cities on God’s green in this, my young collegiate great right here.”
He pats both men playfully on the chest before turning back to Doris with a smile.
“These two boys ARE Texas, man.“
Gordy waits a beat and shakes his head in bewilderment.
“WAIT A HOT SWEATY GOT DANG MINUTE! … Am I the only one ‘uh yall that don’t got a personal relationship with Matthew GOT DANG McConaughey?! AM I IN THE DANG MATRIX, MAN?!”
He turns back to Felton with a far less hostile look on his face.
“Alright boah. I aint sayin’ this here is a sure thang, you an me. No matter what Doris or… I mean… got dang Wooderson, man. Holy [censored], I for real feel like ahm on drugs just bein’ in this room right now, man. But no matter what they say if this here’s gunna work? Ahm the one person you aint cuttin’ corners with. If we’re taggin’ you’re on me like glue, clear? Somethin’ tells me you and me, even at each others throats, could take Bobby fat boah and his friend… “
Gordy extends a hand. Felton dosen’t hesitate to take it. It looks like that might be it but the much bigger Bigsby pulls Gordy in close with a quick, aggressive jerk of his arm.
“Yo, so listen. Imma stop you right there. I have no doubt we’re gunna be a hell of a team… look at us. This all we need, cowboy! Youth, size, power… and then we got you, man, we solid. EXPERIENCED ring vet, such as you are.”
He puts a little sauce on the word experienced. In such a way that causes Gordy to narrow his eyes to slits.
“I know you made your name in Japan, throwin’ lariats and stompin little Asian dudes half your size and that’s cool man but open your ears and listen… I ain’t your young boy. Heard me, gaijin? Felton is ichiban. Houston Strong… number one, son”
He releases Gordy’s hand. The two men glare at each other.
Some sort of understanding reached… maybe?
“Yeah… ats fine boah. Don’t say I never gave ya the chance to do this civil-like.”
McConaughey slowly sidles back between the two men.
“Well now that that’s settled, yall hungry? I got some fajitas marinatin’ in the fridge… “
Both of the absolutely gigantic pro wrestlers ears perk up at the mention of food.
“Damn Matty, that sounds good as hell.”
“Well sheeeeit, I could eat! It’d be an honor!”
As the three men amble off towards the kitchen, Doris makes her way over to the bar and fixes herself a stiff drink.
To herself…
“If all it would have taken was [censored] tacos we could have had this settled weeks ago.”
She sighs and makes her way towards the kitchen.
“Hey young feller, you ever seen this man in Dallas Buyers Club? CRIED LIKE A DANG OL BABY, I TELL YA HWHAT!”