We open in view of a congregation listening in anticipation of every word, eyes wide in joyous awe at the syllables reverberating from the grand speakers inside this growing place of worship. The shot focuses on a young boy sat in the front row, hands clasped together in wonderment.
OSV: EIGHT FEET TALL, EIGHT HUNDRED POUNDS….or thereabouts…I LIFTED THE STRONGEST MAN, THE SUMO MAN, RIGHT ABOVE MY HEAD AND DROPPED HIM LYING BY MY FEET!
The room fills up with inspirational gasps as the shot switches to Johnny Saint Nelson standing on his platform high above his audience.
JSN: I know for some of you this is impossible to believe. To pick up and powerslam a man of that size would surely spell the end of a normal sized human’s spine.
The same boy’s face turns to disappointment, but the preacher notices…time to be a hero…
JSN: But OHHHH LORDY, it wasn’t hard work for JAYYY ESSSS ENNNNN! No, sir-rie bob!
The congregation erupts in applause, all standing upon hearing of this miracle. The boy runs to JSN and hugs him.
JSN: Ewwww, get off…
He clocks the boy’s mother winking and giving him the phone me hand signal.
JSN: I mean…such a sweet child. What’s your name?
Boy: Jimmy. JSN, could you replay the finish to your match with Shujin Yama on the JSNTron5000?
Jimmy points to the giant TV screen center stage of JSN’s church. However, The Saint dithers.
JSN: Silly Jimmy! remember, TV is the tool of the devil. The JSNTron5000 is here for your to fight temptation purposes only.
He claps his hands and off Jimmy disappointedly pops, the last of the congregation. JSN’s altar henchmen immediately arrive with his cushioned seat while another switches on the giant screen replaying Alex Bruder’s impressive victory over Vito Valentino.
JSN: KAREN! WHERE’S MY WINE?!
Karen the henchwoman pours red wine into a glass, but upon seeing Vito tap to Bruder, JSN grabs the bottle, takes a swig and immediately spits it out in disgust toward the screen whilst simultaneously handing the bottle back and signaling for Karen to kneel on the ground beside him.
JSN: The semi. I’m in the semi.
He tries to calm himself but notices Karen’s eyes light up as she looks in the direction of his groin.
JSN: Not that semi, wench! Twenty JSN Prayers! And think about what you’ve done!
He shakes his head in disbelief as Karen scurries away to begin the repenting.
JSN: Classic Wrestling, episode 5. Johnny Saint Nelson versus Alex ‘All Business’ Bruder in the semi final of the WTT.
He rubs his hands together in anticipation before holding two fingers up, peacefully of course.
JSN: JSN is just two victories away from becoming the Real World’s Champion.
One finger left standing.
JSN: But one focus, one cause…remains.
He rises and places his hands on the altar, facing the screen as Bruder raises his hands in victory.
JSN: Victory by submission, a man after my own heart it seems. And much like my opponent in the main event this Sunday we both fight for one cause. One focus, one goal. Alex has shown that his desire for the Real World’s Championship centers around his obsession with money.
He rubs his thumb back and forth against his index finger as he walks toward Karen praying in front of his statue.
JSN: Alex, your simple yet highly successful motivation, has got you past two formidable opponents and it has served you well thus far. It is not to be sneered at in the slightest.
He stops and gestures over to the praying henchwoman.
Karen: Cleans me JSN, I must not go back to my wicked ways, Cleans me JSN…
Gesturing with his open palm he halts her before she can finish her twentieth. He removes the good book from the inside of his cloak and opens it.
JSN: They say that money can’t buy you happiness. Whoever they are, they’re imbeciles. Money makes everyone happy…temporarily. That is until you wake up, realizing once it’s too late of course, that all this time you’ve simply been nothing more than a misguided, lonely and empty slave to this…
He places a dollar bill in Karen’s collection purse.
JSN: Nothing more than a follower. A prostitute.
He raises his palm to the heavens.
JSN: Classic Wrestling will awaken, Alex. Classic Wrestling deserves JSN’s cause. Classic Wrestling deserves a leader.
Creepy grin time.
JSN: And come this Sunday, ALLLLLLLL JSN’s BUSINESS…will be to wake you up.