You pop into a large room containing a forest of 12’ stripper poles. Each one has a sock at the top. You’ve got ankle length socks, mid calf length socks, thigh high stockings, or “sockings”?
Each sock contains a different item. One appears to be stuffed with Peanut Butter M&Ms. Another holds a bar of soap. One looks like a sad balloon filled with jizz. And another is stuffed to the brim with Mikey Money, because that’s about all it’s good for…
Stuff is worthless!
Wait what was that in the sock before that last one again?
Larry appears apprehensive as he walks into the room. Confusion covers his naturally naïve face. To his credit, after receiving an ominously vague text message from his mentor, nothing could really prepare the kid for the sight of “Beautiful” Bobby Dean greeting him. With one leg cocked around a pole, firmly grasped by his outstretched hand, body fully extended, the rotund wrestler slowly spins around as the classic “Pour Some Sugar On Me” by Def Leppard plays throughout the room.
Larry: “Uh… what are you doing!?”
EEEEEEP! The elephant of a man squeaks like a mouse, clearly thinking he was alone. He quickly recovers at the sight of Larry, as he slowly stops spinning, smiling happily as he sees his young protégé has arrived. Shirtless, dripping in sweat, and wearing the smallest pair of Daisy Duke cut-off shorts Larry has ever seen, Bobby walks over to his friend as the song comes to an end.
Larry: “I’ll say again, what are you doing? Wait does that sock have… cu-”
Bobby: “Cucumbers, yes, Larry, that sock has cucumbers.”
Stopping before his friend, Bobby casually leans to rest against one of the stripper poles, but he soon regrets his decision as the pole immediately bends due to the excessive weight pressed against it. With a sheepish look on his face, Bobby stands up straight and awkwardly shuffles his feet, and crosses his arms over his massive mammaries, pretending that he didn’t just bend a pole known for being sturdy.
Bobby: “I’ve been practicing..”
He is cut off as Larry looks around the room with a look of absolute disbelief.
Larry: “Practicing? What, your dance moves?”
Bobby: “No, no, I’ve been practicing for this absurd pole match.”
Bobby waves towards the room as if it’s obvious.
Bobby: “Everyone knows I’ve got a thing for heights. If it’s not grabbing an object that’s already waist high, I’m screwed! And sometimes even waist high objects give me trouble!”
Larry: “I’ve always wondered, why are you so afraid of heights?”
Bobby: “Probably the same reason why you’re scared of vaginas.”
Larry: “I’m not scared of them, I just don’t know how to handle them. Like what are you supposed to do to them?”
Bobby: “Well, I don’t know how to handle heights!”
Bobby says with a huff, as if the two phobias were one and the same. Suddenly it’s as if a lightbulb has been switched on.
Bobby: “Wait a minute, I’ve got a great idea!”
Probably the worst sentence known to man.
Bobby: “How about you deal with the heights, and I’ll handle the vaginas!?”
Larry: “How do we do that?”
Larry asks with intrigue, which is surprising, considering most people would discount any solution coming from Bobby, simply because it’s coming from, well, Bobby.
Bobby: “Plan B!”
He scurries his large frame across the room to a duffle bag. Quickly dragging whatever was in the duffle bag out, he proudly presents to Larry a humongous fat suit in one hand, and a blonde wig in the other.
Bobby: “Ta-da! I present to you Plan B! You, dressed as me, hide under the ring. After Lover beats me up a bit, I’ll roll out, and you take my place. I’ll have worn him out so much, that all you gotta do is climb that pole like the spider monkey that you are, and grab the sock.”
Larry ponders this, really thinks it over.
Larry: “How do you know he’ll be worn out enough?”
Bobby: “Come on, Bare, Lover isn’t known for his stamina, if you know what I mean?”
Larry doesn’t know what he means, but in typical Larry fashion, he simply nods his head like he does.
Bobby: “After you have the sock, you roll back out, we switch places, then I celebrate.”
Larry: “Awww, why can’t I be the one to celebrate!?”
Bobby: “Do you even know how to celebrate, considering you’ve never won a match?”