The stage lights are low, but the soft glow of spectral candlelight gives us a view of an embroidered velvet cloth covering a plain square table. Upon a pillow in the center of the table rests a translucent crystal ball. Seated at the table is none other than CARLO AMARETTO, chanting up a magic incantation.
Carlo: KANDAHAR… MANDELA… TUMERIC… PERESTROIKA…
The Evil Abra appears adorned in a bejeweled and gaudy turban. His eyes are dramatically clenched shut, and index fingers are pressed into his temples. In the background, someone goes to town on a theremin, filling the air with an eerie, mysterious warble.
Carlo: QUASAR… SIDDHARTHA… MOOGOOGAIPAN… STAMATOPOULOS…
After a moment, his mustachioed twin GOMEZ AMARETTO slips into our view, assaulting us with his snake-oil salesman smirk.
Gomez: Good evening and welcome, people of Classique Wrestling! Tonight, your weak, unenlightened minds shall bear witness to something truly AMAZING!
Carlo: KALAMAZOO… VALENCIA… ZUCKERBERG… HEEEEEY, MACARENA…
Gomez: What you see is an ancient ritual known to only the GREATEST spell-binders: the SUMERIAN SEANCE of SPECTRAL SCRYING! A technique that gives one the uncanny ability to see the unshrouded FUTURE!
Carlo’s hands shoot skyward, appealing to unseen magical entities.
Carlo: Omnipresent spirits of the Cosmos! I summon thee to give me ASTRAL VISION beyond the veil of TIME and SPACE! Lend me your power!
A beat passes, and nothing happens. Carlo glares at someone off-stage.
Carlo: I said, “LEND ME YOUR POWER!”
The brothers’ not-so-lovely assistant SUZIE doesn’t even look up from her daily stack of scratch-off lotto tickets.
Suzie: Yeah, yeah, sure, whatevah…
She punches a red button on a nearby remote, and through the miracle of “magic”, the crystal ball suddenly begins to emit a spectrum of dazzling light! Carlo’s face lightens up as his hands begin hovering over the glowing orb.
Carlo: AHH! GOMEZ!
Carlo: The spirits are bringing visions to my mind’s eye! I can SEE BEYOND the PALE!
Gomez: What do you see, brother?
Carlo: I can see the rise and fall of empires! I see countless generations arise, prosper, and die off like blades of grass! I see mountains crumbling, and oceans running dry! I see the formation and dissolutions of countless noble unions… and OOF, it does not look good for Pete Davidson! Machine Gun Kelly turns out alright, though.
Gomez: AMAZING!! We can sell that story to the Sun! What else do you see?
Carlo: I can see two very handsome brothers enjoying a long and triumphant reign of MAGICAL MAYHEM as Tag Team Champions of a certain wrestling federation! And a certain assistant going back to waiting tables in filthy, greasy diners and dingy taverns scattered across the land, if she DOESN’T START GETTING HER GODDAMN ACT TOGETHER!
The Evil Abra’s pop open and a smirk forms on his face just as he comes bursting out his seat and rips off the turban.
Carlo: I CANNOT see ANY POSSIBILITY of that talentless buffoon SCOTT HUNTER beating an AMARETTO at Episode Fifteen!
Gomez: HAHAHAHAHA!! As if that wasn’t already immediately apparent! So much SRILANKAN SEANCE of SPECTRAL SCRYING!
Suzie: You said earlier it was Sumerian…
Carlo: Silence, detestable woman!
Gomez: Go feed the rabbits!
Groaning indifferently, Suzie leaves the stage. The twins huddle in close, flashing their mirrored sinister grins. The Classic Wrestling Tag Team Championship belts now replace their usual cummerbunds.
Carlo: Our magic proves to be as infallible as ever! We even made our AMAZING appearance at the last episode DISAPPEAR from the recent VHS release!
Gomez: Indeed! We should be charging extra for taped appearances anyway!
Carlo: Soon, however, the time will come to defend our AMAZING title reign!
Gomez: Like any true magicians, our act must be PREPARED!
Carlo: First though, YOU must pick the right card on this insolent Scott Hunter fellow!
They enjoy a devious double chuckle. Then the Killer Kadabra’s face melts into confusion.
Gomez: Wait… I thought YOU were the one fighting him!
Carlo: …WHAT?! I could have SWORN it was you!
Gomez: Which one am I again?
Carlo: You’re Gomez!
Gomez: Are you sure?
“Carlo” does not look so sure.
Carlo: Wait… we have an easy fix for this! QUICK! The BARBAROSSAN BEARD SWAP!!
The flash hands across their faces… and in the blink of an eye, Carlo’s goatee is on Gomez’s face, and Gomez’s mustache is on Carlo’s. They sneer in delight.
Carlo & Gomez: AMAZING!!
Endless cackling as we go to black.