YEEHAW AND GOOD EVENING YOU CLASSIC COWBROS AND COWGIRLS! Are y’all ready for a rip roarin’, rootin’ tootin’, high times hootenanny with the Hangmen of the Hang Ten: Surf Express Bro? You bet your Stetsons, Copenhagen, and Marlboros you are!
Our Totally Tubular Tourists of Country-Western Culture are standing inside of the honkiest of honky tonk bars this side of the Cuyahoga. The Bros have traded in their neon board shorts, sunglasses and flip-flops for frayed Wrangler capris, neon pink and green cowboy hats and flannel vests, and black custom cowboy boots with seashell spurs, tassels and sandal bottoms. They stand in front of a railing with drinks in hand, watching a frat boy get thrown onto a layer of protective mats courtesy of a mechanical bull.
Bowie: DUUUDE! Did you see the way that bro got thrown? There’s no way we can ride that bull for eight seconds.
Bradlee: Bro, it’s only like eight seconds. I’ve done plenty of things that have taken eight seconds…
Bradlee puffs out his chest and takes a long swig of his swill. Another frat bro hops on the bull to see if he’ll fare any better.
Bradlee: But seriously dude… Gordy Lovett would walk right on up ta that there bull and BLAMMO!
Bowie: Blammo… woaaah dude.
Bradlee: I heard he punched a mechanical bull down in Tex-Arkana thirty seven yards into the back of a pickup truck. Then hit the spittoon from Steph Curry range like it was no big thing.
Bowie: Bro… Steph Curry range?!
Bradlee: No big thing…
The second frat bro gets whipped off the bull almost immediately, flying ass-over-tea-kettle onto the mats while his buddies all laugh. A bride-to-be is up next and her bachelorette party cheers her on.
Bowie: Bro, this is like we’re right back in Pokey.
Bradlee: NO WAAAAAY DUDE! THIS IS TOTALLY POKEY!
Bowie: Well like, metaphorically speaking this could be considered like Pokey in an alternate dimension.
Bradlee: Yeah dude it’s in 3D…
Bowie: But dude… like you’ve seen the show with that cool dude where they talk about the cosmos…
Bradlee is immediately terrified at the word Cosmos and ducks out of the way.
Bowie: Like Cosmos… like the normal kind, not like attracting the Real World’s Heavyweight Title but like… you know… space…
Bradlee: Bro… Don’t scare me like that…
Bowie: Sorry, Brozilla, I didn’t mean to.
The girl nearly makes it, but is thrown off with a second to go. She picks herself up and walks back to her entourage, who clap and shout for her.
Bradlee: That bull is almost as big as Felton Bigsby, dude. Like, have you seen him? He’s as big as the two of us put together!
Bowie: Bro, you think Felton Bigsby could eat an entire bull?
Bradlee: Totally dude, Rocky Mountain Oysters and all. How are we gonna beat a dude who punches cows and a dude who is as big as a cow?!
Bowie: Bro, it’s gonna be fine.
Bradlee: How is this fine at all, dude? We’re just two bros from Pokey trying to make it!
Bowie: Dude, we have the hearts of champions, you remember what Vito said to you after that Real World’s Heavyweight Championship match?
Bradlee: He said I was the best he’s ever been in the ring with, dude. You know what? You’re right. We’re gonna rustle up them Hilton Promotions boys in no time flat and take home the W.
Bowie: YEAH BRO! Dropkicks for everyone!
Off to the side, one of the bartenders looks shocked.
Bradlee: Did we just buy drinks for the whole bar?
Bowie: Who would have thought a dropkick was a drink, dude…
Bradlee: Well! There’s only one way we’re gonna find out if we can beat these big bulls… we gotta try to ride this one right here…
Bowie: You got this man, I believe in you!
Bradlee turns his cowboy hat backwards and moseys up to the bull with his tongue out like Jordan going to the free-throw line in the 1996 NBA Finals, or like Jordan taking batting practice… really depends on how the Tubular one does. He hops aboard and the bull begins to buck and spin, hoping to claim Bradlee as yet another victim, but he digs his heels in and hangs on tight. Faster and faster the bull twists and turns but Bradlee is undeterred. Finally, a buzzer sounds with the Bodacious One still on board the bull!
Bradlee: COWABUNGA!