We open on SUZI, tattooed arms held up, cigarette smoldering between her lips, and dead eyes staring off into the void. She’s spinning around in slow, clockwise circles. Two voices proudly crow from off camera.
Carlo: Light as a feather, stiff as a CORPSE! Watch as gravity bends, twists, and WARPS!
Gomez: Fair as a flower that grows in the SWAMPS! Weight means nothing when our magic STOMPS!
Zoom out to reveal that Suzi is actually hovering a few feet off the floor, pirouetting on thin air. On either side stands CARLO and GOMEZ AMARETTO, arms dramatically outstretched toward the assistant and fingers mystically fluttering.
Carlo: This is not mere ILLUSION, you puny, filthy-faced people of Classique Wrestling! It is MAGIC!
Gomez: The most AMAZING MAGIC you pea-minded rubes have ever witnessed! Feast your eyes upon our famed LAOTIAN LUMMOX LEVITATOR!
The slow circling stops as Suzi gently descends back down to terra firma. Carlo and Gomez proudly flourish their capes as they pump their arms into the air, posing in triumph.
Carlo & Gomez: AMAZING!! HAHAHAHA!!
Suzi: Yeah, yeah, amazing, whatevah…so we done here, or what?
The twin magicians flash matching annoyed glares toward their semi-lovely assistant for diffusing their moment. Regardless, Carlo conjures up a fat envelope of cash from under his cape.
Carlo: Fine… here!
Suzi: Thanks… my scumbag third ex-husband is behind on alimony.
Gomez: Now perform your own spell and make yourself disappear, you detestable woman!
Suzi: Gladly. See youse guys next week.
Suzi reaches to her lower back, unhooks the harness, and trudges off the stage. The brothers of the unbelievable step up to take up the entire shot.
Carlo: What you have just witnessed here, Classique Wrestling, is but a mere glimpse to the full extent of our AMAZING powers!
Gomez: But levitation is mere CHILD’S PLAY compared to what other fantastic feats we are capable of upon the stage and within the squared circle! Weight is nothing but a material number, when you have MAGIC and MUSCLE!
Carlo: And as simple as it is to raise anyone up as high as the heavens, we can just as easily bring them CRASHING DOWN into ruin!
Gomez: Even a man as corpulent, colossal, and confounding FAT as that whale of a man, “BEAUTIFUL” BOBBY DEAN!
The wide, bombastic smirks of the Amazing Amaretto brothers morph into matching snarls.
Carlo: We humbly congratulate you, Bobby, in the wake of your victory over the Prussian and the Oriental… but you should savor the sweet taste of victory while you can, because we have our OWN appetite for revenge!
Gomez: The travesty of SLAM-A-THON is still freshly etched upon our paranormal psyches! To be upstaged by YOU, a man who is hardly fit to be a FREAK SHOW attraction, and your puny Lunchbox friend, is an embarrassment we cannot bear!
Carlo materializes a deck of cards and spreads it into a fan shape.
Carlo: Because he wouldn’t pick a card from the Clubs suit, it appears we have no choice but to CLUB YOU OVER THE HEAD to show all of Classique Wrestling what happens when you cross the Amazing Amarettos!
Carlo barrages the camera in a hail of cards. Gomez holds out his hat and pulls out a rabbit. A stuffed toy rabbit, in any case. He waves it before the camera.
Gomez: First, we take an EYE for an EYE… and then we come to claim those precious Tag Team Titles, which are rightfully OURS! This time, no tricks… no stunts… we are not coming to AMAZE, but to ANNIHILATE!
Gomez tears the stuffed toy into shreds of cloth and stuffing.
Carlo: We may be masters of the UNBELIEVABLE, Bobby, but you can believe this: there is not a single object in this world that we cannot disperse into the ethereal plane! Lovely assistants! Brave volunteers! Ferocious beasts! Famous landmarks!
Gomez nods as he cracks his knuckles.
Gomez: Pesky skeptics… annoying hecklers… hack rivals… Union reps… if we will it, we can make ANYTHING disappear! Even YOU, and your scrawny gimp-boy!
Carlo: At EPISODE NOVE, Bobby Dean and Lunchbox Larry, we will be DUMBFOUNDED!
Gomez: You will be DEVASTATED!
Carlo: You will be…!
They smirk as they wink to each other, and throw their arms out in unison.
Carlo & Gomez: AMAZED!! HAHAHAHAHA!!
Twin plumes of smoke obscure our vision and when the fog clears, the Amazing Amarettos are gone!