(The camera opens inside a roped off area where pulpit of chattering press members stand waiting at the foot of a stage fit with a podium. The Undercover Lover peeks through the curtain at the distracted mass of humanity at the ready with cellphones and cameras. He clears his throat and they all fall silent and stare at the stage. Undercover Lover boldly trots out in his ring gear, complete with untied satin robe and gaudy heart adorned mask and singlet. He flexibly hikes one leg up onto the podium and grabs the microphone.)
UCL: Welcome to my junket.
Press: Mr. Lover! Mr. Lover! Over here! Mr. Lover!
UCL: Hmmm…eni-meany-miney-squirty, whose sheets will Lover make dirty? You! the GMILF with the pouty lips and poppin’ peaks.
Pouty Lips and Poppin’ Peaks: Uhhhh hi, I’m Maeve Deltzer from Wrestling’s Infernal News Spreader. I uhhhh just…you know…wanted to know what your goals in uhhhh Classic Wrestling were going forward?
UCL: My goodness! You speak like Jeff Goldblum.
Maeve Deltzer: Ummmm…yeah.
UCL: You strike me as someone who belongs Jurassic Park, but you know that Lover doesn’t mind if we do business in the dark. The way you speak makes my Buckaroo Banzai weak, but you’re pretty jacked for a woman with cataracts. So why don’t I drop “The Fly” and give you a try. I’m about ready to take this Goldblumer and liberate her old bloomers like it’s In-Depends-ants Day, so whadda ya say? Care to join me for a spell in the Grand Budapest Hotel?
Maeve Deltzer: Ummm no thanks. I’m uhhhh asexual.
UCL: Now The Lover’s a supporta of your lack of kavorka, but why waste the Lover’s time by stealing all of his best lines?
Maeve Deltzer: I uhhhh wasn’t asexual until you started talking.
UCL: Right. Next question!
Maeve Deltzer: But uhhhh you didn’t answer mine.
UCL: Plans change. Get used to it Deltzer! Besides, anybody whose anybody in this profession knows the only title that’s worthy of obsession. The next reporters I’ll allow to give me trouble are the two twins in the back makin’ me see double.
Double Trouble: Hi, I’m Brianna Alvarez from The Brianna and Vanna Wrestling Podcast. I was wondering if you’d ever consider a tag team? Maybe with someone like Harry Chest?
UCL: From you the Lover hears a lot of chatter. Does your sister’s opinion not even matter?
Brianna Alvarez: Nah she’s not as smart as me.
UCL: I see. The Lover spends his spare time copulating, and he can’t see himself in the ring with a partner that isn’t manscaping.
Brianna Alvarez: Gross.
UCL: Anything else? Maybe a question that’s hard? Tell ya what, why don’t you two take The Lover’s card?
(The Lover steps behind the podium, and after a momentary awkward silence where he squirms around, he pulls a hotel key card out and flicks it into the audience. Brianna catches it on instinct, but upon touching it her hands immediately spasm with disgust and let the card drop to the floor.)
Brianna Alvarez: EW! WHERE WERE YOU KEEPING THAT?!
UCL: Now that’s some hard hitting journalistic questioning! but alas you didn’t tell the Lover if you were into some bed wrestling.
Brianna Alvarez: I’M A LESBIAN! My sister is too before you ask.
Vanna Alvarez: Yeah. Totally gay.
UCL: And the CW is messing with Lover right out of the gate. Is there not a lady in this audience that’s straight?
Tall Man Up Front: Hey! Are you ever going to call on the men in the audience?
UCL: Of course! Especially such an esteemed athlete as yourself. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome the kickboxing heavyweight champion of the world, Bob Ross Sapp! I loved your last fight, Bob. You really painted the canvas with your opponent. Planted him hard with a kick that turned him into a happy little vegetable.
Bob Ross Sapp: I’m also a reporter for Frightful News Network. I want to know your opinion of the fans that’ll be in attendance tonight for your first match here in CW.
UCL: The Lover likes this question. If the women in the audience could refrain from hitting on the Lover for one second, he’ll get serious with you guys.
(A collective feminine ‘ugh’ fills the press room as the Undercover Lover leans over the podium and stares wistfully at the middle distance.)
UCL: When I was a L’il Lover my daddy went to war and never came back. Mamma Lover told me that I was the man of the house when I was barely a teenager, so I dropped out of school and took up five part time jobs just to keep the lights on. My innocence, my childhood, it was all gone in the blink of an eye. I came to wrestling to maybe, just maybe, give a father and son something that I never had. I’ll entertain them, I’ll create memories, and then I’ll send them home happy with smiles on their faces.
Reporters In Unison: Awwwww
UCL: And then after those suckers leave I’ll take mamma back to the hotel with me and show her the Lover’s tender side! OH HAVE MERCY!
Reporters in Unison: BOOOOO!
(The Lover blows a kiss as the rabid press starts chucking their phones and plastic water bottles onto the stage and rushes off behind the curtain as the camera cuts to black.)