We open on “The Evil Abra” Carlo Amaretto, seated in a plush chair in the Sanctum Slamtorum. He is without the trademark snake-oil smile. Today, he is simply sneering.
Carlo: AVANTI, Classique…
It’s a mirthless greeting, with a slight growl behind it. The shot pulls out, and for the first time in as long as anyone can remember, there are some very discernable differences between the brothers Amaretto.
Gomez is revealed to be seated in a wheelchair next to his brother, a brace affixed around his neck. His face is brooding with a mixture of contempt, irritation, and needling pain.
Suzie is delicately pinching and prodding at the brace, making feckless micro-adjustments.
Gomez: Stupid King Kong FOOL! CURSES upon the filthy SHACK from whence that misbegotten mongoloid came!
The Killer Kadabra bats the assistant’s hands away. She is apparently not-so-useful as she is not-so-lovely. Rolling her eyes, she lights up a cigarette and relegates herself to the background.
Carlo: Take heed that you do not further exacerbate your recovery efforts, Gomez! This unforeseen malady could not come at a worse time!
Gomez: I am TRYING, Carlo! But it is MADNESS that they should demand that WE–their tremendous and tantalizing TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS–to WRESTLE while I am in this calamitous condition!
Carlo: To that point, I heartily concur, dear brother! We have not even had HALF the necessary time off to recharge our magical ley energies! But be as it may, we are destined to deal with those bumbling Bolts!
Gomez attempts an arrogant chuckle, but winces when the pain in his neck flares up again.
Gomez: Those pesky Apocal-IDIOTS! If it didn’t hurt so much just to put my TOPHAT on, I’d relish the opportunity to smash those stupid skull faces of Huninn and Muginn!
Suzie: (under her breath) Huginn and Muninn…
Carlo looks back to flash the assistant his annoyed glare. Gomez would do the same, if he could only turn his head without it hurting.
Carlo: Detestable woman! What did we tell you?
Gomez: NEVER CORRECT the STARS of the SHOW!
Suzie throws her hands up, daring him.
Suzie: Whaddya gonna do ‘bout it?
The Amazing Amarettos sputter, stammer, and squirm in their respective seats, but ultimately do nothing. Suzie accepts this moral victory with her face breaking into a rarely seen half-smile.
Carlo: You would do well not to vex us this week, Suzie! With Gomez in this sorry state, we are more than ever dependent on your assistance and subservience to perform our AMAZING magic!
Gomez: As you should know well by now, the MAIN ATTRACTION of Classique Wrestling cannot bear humiliation at the hands of such LOWLY and WORTHLESS plebeians like these two creatures of Walt Whezl’s!
Carlo: Magic is the art of TIMING and PLACEMENT!
Gomez: Which means you need to be in the RIGHT PLACE at the RIGHT TIME, as not to bungle the trick like you usually do!
Carlo: Think of this as your GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY to make up for your FAILURE at Capital Clash!
Gomez: And if that doesn’t motivate you, think of it as your LAST CHANCE before we find an assistant that we can depend on!
Suzie’s inferior obliques, arguably the strongest muscles in her body, are getting a workout today as she again rolls her eyes and takes another unfettered puff off her menthol.
Carlo: Enough now… bring us our gilded cumberbunds!
Gomez: QUICKLY, you withered wench!
Suzie sighs, but dutifully retrieves the (freshly polished) Classic Wrestling Tag Team Championships and hands them over to their ostensibly opulent owners.
Belts in their laps, Carlo’s head turns toward the camera, while Gomez rigidly shuffles around his seat so that he can face it directly.
Carlo: Make no mistake, you contemptuous clowns of Classique Wrestling! Though you may see the AMAZING AMARETTOS a few cards short of a full deck of fifty-two, our DAZZLING DOMINANCE over tag team wrestling is as strong as ever!
Gomez angrily points at his neck brace.
Gomez: This bothersome blemish is NOTHING! I once broke a Vegas promoter’s legs while attempting an ENTHRALLING ESCAPE from a STRAIGHT JACKET!
Carlo: AMAZING! As for the BOLTS? Mere sideshow attractions! We have beguiled them once before, and shall do so yet again!
Gomez: Indeed! Because every AMAZING performance requires an AMAZING ENCORE!
Gomez groans again in pain and reaches for his neck. A look of concern crosses Carlo’s face. The scene goes to black.