We fade in from magenta to a grocery store, aisles lined with rows and rows of food galore. Six people gather around looking excited: five behind shopping carts and one standing all by his lonesome, dressed in a loud, flame-patterned button-up shirt, jeans, and spiky hair with frosted tips.
Monty: Welcome everyone to Monty’s Market Madness! I’m your host, Montague “Monty” Flambée, and we’re gonna be taking the high speed train to TastyLand! Let’s meet our contestants! We have Ginger, an executive chef from New Orleans, Harold, a sous chef from Toronto, Abby, a chef de cuisine from Cincinnati, and…
He pauses to look at his intro cards.
Monty: And Bowie and Bradlee, wrestlers….? From Pocatello?
The Brohemoths of the Boardwalk high-five each other while everyone else looks extremely confused.
Monty: Uhh…well, this is certainly a first for us here on Monty’s Market Madness. Usually our casting criteria is people in the restaurant business.
Bradlee: Dude, this is totally rad, I’m super pumped about this.
Bowie: Monty bro, like, don’t even sweat it. Me and Emeril Brogassi are totally gonna hold our own against these champions of the chow!
Monty: Well boys, I like your enthusiasm! Your first challenge will be to make an Asian-inspired dish using breakfast foods. You’ll have 30 minutes to shop, prepare, and plate your meal. Ready?
Everybody runs off in different directions. Bradlee jumps in the cart while Bowie hops on the little bar above the wheels and speeds his bodacious broheim toward the frozen foods section.
Bradlee: Hey bro?
Bowie: Sup, bro?
Bradlee: So, like, I know we gotta make a meal and all…
Bowie: Yeah, bro, how awesome is that? This show is so much freakin’ fun to watch on TV, and now we’re here!
Bowie reaches into a case and tosses some frozen Belgian waffles, tater tots, and a couple Jimmy Dean breakfast bowls to his compadre of the coast.
Bradlee: Totally bro. But, like….we gotta cook something, and we don’t know how to cook! Everyone else is way more experienced than us. There’s no way we’re gonna be able to hang, bro!
The breezy blonde considers this for a moment before breaking out into a grin.
Bowie: Nahhh dude, don’t sweat it! Just because these bros and brosettes have been doing this forever doesn’t mean we’re gonna embarrass ourselves. We’re gonna surprise some people, just like we’ve been doing in Classic.
He gets back behind the cart and keeps pushing, throwing more things to Bradlee.
Bradlee: So it’s like…even though dudes like the Foreign Legion have been wrestling for years it’s not guaranteed they’re gonna beat us, just because we’ve only been wrestling for a couple.
Bowie: You got it, dude! The Foreign Legion is super good and super intimidating, and that Eddie Dante dude is super uptight, but we can’t let that shake us. They’re gonna tell us that we’ve got no shot, and we’re a couple of clowns who don’t take things seriously, but you and I both know we put our all into everything and have fun doing it!
Bradlee: You’re so inspiring, dude. It’s like you’re an Instagram quote come to life.
Bowie: Bro, that’s like, super nice. Now let’s show these chefs what Surf Express Bro can do!
20 minutes later…
After cooking, sauteing, baking, and whatnot, all the competitors stand behind their dishes, looking pretty pleased with themselves.
Monty: OK everyone, let’s see what you’ve got.
He walks around to each station, making notes and tasting Ginger’s fried rice omelette, Harold’s savory Asian crepes with egg whites, cheese and ham, and Abby’s noodle dish with fried eggs and bacon. He stops in front of the Bros and looks at their plate, which looks more like a burrito than anything.
Bradlee: It’s sushi waffles, bro!
Bowie: With eggs, sausage, and tater tots!
Monty looks skeptical, but takes a bite. The expression on his face changes to one of pleasant surprise.
Monty: Hey, this is pretty good.
The Bros beam; they knew they could do it.
Monty: But unfortunately, it falls just short of the others. I’m sorry, boys, but we have to say goodbye.
Bradlee and Bowie look sad for a couple seconds but quickly shrug it off.
Bowie: No worries, dude. We still had fun.
Bradlee: Yeah, bro. We might never be chefs but we’re still totally excellent wrestlers!
Monty: That’s the spirit!
Bowie: Now let’s go get some IHOP!
Bradlee: All you can eat pancakes for the win!