BBD: Here comes Bobby Claus, here comes Bobby Claus, right down Bobby Claus lane!
The cameras are pointed at a large greenscreen backdrop, as Bobby Dean walks into the scene singing a classic.
BBD: He’s got a bag filled with toys, for all the girls and boys. Hear his sleigh bells jingle jangle, oh what a beautiful sight
Bobby is dressed like Santa Clause, no padding needed. His fake beard is hanging around his neck as he smiles brightly towards the camera.
BBD: So jump in bed and cover your head, ‘cause Bobby Claus cums tonight!
The crew looking on in absolute boredom, the guy manning the camera goes so far as to yawn, causing the smile on ole Bobby Claus’ face to slowly ebb away.
BBD: What the heck guys?
Camera Man: Sorry Bobbo, but it’s been done before…
BBD: What? Who!? Who beat me to it?
Camera Man: Yama. He did Jingle Bells.
BBD: *BEEEEP* Man, he even picked a better song than mine!
Bobby thinks, really hard, when suddenly a lightbulb appears above his head, figuratively of course.
BBD: I got something! Load everything up and follow me, we’ll shoot on location.
No one moves, causing Bobby to stop at the door.
Camera Man: Where are we going?
BBD: The mall!
Camera Man: It’s been done.
Camera Man: Kilgore. Crushed some kids’ spirit telling them Santa wasn’t real.
BBD: What the heck, of course I’m real!
The crew all share a look between themselves, before turning their bored expressions back to me.
BBD: Here, I got it! A little tacky, but it should work. Anyone got a shoe box?
Camera Man (shaking his head): …
Camera Man: Harry Chest.
BBD: Christmas Carol?
Camera Man: Scott Hunter, well sort of.
BBD: Well dagnabbit, what else is there?
Camera Man: Hanukah?
BBD: I don’t have a candelabra with me, so no go there. What else ya got?
Camera Man: Ugly sweaters? Something with Mistletoe? Maybe talk about how hot Mrs. Claus is? Maybe you can pretend to be Rudolph and play reindeer games with the other competitors?
BBD: This is why I don’t do singles matches! Where the heck is Larry when you need ‘em?
My name is Bobby Dean, and I am the King of the Lottery!
Well, I mean, I may not have ever won a lottery before, but I’ve done ‘em all! Scratch Offs, Pick 3, Pick 5, Connect 4, Auto Pick, you name it! I’ve used my kid’s birthday, my birthday, my lucky number, my unlucky number, Larry’s lucky number! I’ve tried it all! But like I said, I’ve yet to win one. HOW could this be?
So this year, all I want for Christmas is a victory at CLASSIC’s Episode 13 Christmas Lottery.
Your #1 Fan, and Heir Apparent
“Beautiful” Bobby Dean
P.S. Larry has graciously offered his Christmas wish for my victory as well.
P.S.S. If you see Larry, please don’t mention his generosity…
P.S.S.S. I’ll try not to eat your cookies or drink all your milk this year.