In front of a backdrop that reads “CLASSIC WRESTLING”, Scott Hunter and Craig Massey are sitting side by side in red folding chairs. As the scene fully appears, Massey speaks up.
Massey: Hello everyone, Craig Massey here to bring you this very special edition of ‘Getting to Know You’, a show that Scott Hunter invented with his own brain five minutes ago. And with such a glowing and revered history, only this show can bring you the hard-hitting stories, big scoops, and moments you’ll never forget. One of these moments, of course, was last week’s debut of Scott Hunter and his glorious defeat of Tony Capone, who is definitely not related to Al Capone, or Tony Montana, and is definitely not the result of a mad scientist splicing Al Pacino and Robert Deniro together.
So you know, this whole time, in the chair next to Massey, Scott Hunter has been mouthing the same words. Because he wrote them in the script but is a bad actor.
Massey: In order to further introduce Scott Hunter to the Classic Wrestling fans who tune into this show week after week, I will be conducting a short ‘getting to know you’ interview with Scott, seated here to my left.
Hunter smiles stupidly.
Massey: Scott, welcome to the show.
Hunter: Hello. I am ready for all of the getting to know them.
Massey: So, we’ll be doing a series of short questions, and please, just give us your honest answers.
Hunter: Got it.
Massey: What would you consider to be your best trait?
Hunter: I have a generous spirit.
Massey: What is your favorite movie?
Hunter: The first half of Stripes.
Massey: What kind of car do you drive?
Hunter: (annoyed) You know I don’t drive. Don’t you remember what happened when you tried to teach me?
Massey: Yes, you hit a cone and said “leave me”.
Hunter: I still have a limp from that.
Massey: Favorite all-time song?
Hunter: Surfin’ USA by rock and roll legends The Beach Boys, later tragically covered by Aaron Carter.
Massey: How did you once loudly describe a waitress, which got you banned from all Tampa Waffle Houses?
Hunter: Single and has a decent frame. Makeup can take care of the rest.
Massey: And finally, what is your biggest goal in life?
Hunter: To win the Mark Twain Prize for comedy?
Massey: Why in the world….?
Hunter: (contemplative) Well, the winner of the Mark Twain Prize gets to whitewash a fence, sure, but it’s so much more than that.
Massey: Okay okay… that’s enough of that topic, I think. Describe your ideal woman.
Hunter: My ideal woman? Well, she should have big blue eyes, and big blonde hair.
Massey: Hmm, she sounds fun.
Hunter: She shouldn’t be afraid to speak her mind, you know? I mean, she should have a sensitive side, but still be a hard-ass. And I want her to take care of me. Cook, pick up my stuff, make me hot pockets.
Massey: Uh… Scott…
Hunter: By the way, don’t let me forget to tell my mom thank you for the hot pockets.
The camera pans over to show a small table next to Scott, with a little decorative box, a framed photo of what looks to be Scott Hunter in a Heather Locklear wig, and a plate of hot pockets.
Massey: You know you just described your mom…
Hunter: What?! I did not – OH MY GOD. No! I meant a brunette who doesn’t cook at all. And she’s gotta be super shy and not related to me at all.
Massey: Let um… let’s move on…
Hunter: Massey, I swear to God, if you try and trick me again, I’m hulking out. We’re talking screaming and swearing. I’m gonna smash this decorative box.
Hunter picks up the little decorative box from the table, and Massey holds a hand out in alarm.
Massey: Do not hulk out. Do not smash that decorative box.
Hunter: Say goodbye to the decorative box.
Massey: But your mother keeps her knick-knacks in there!
Hunter: I’ll destroy her knick-knacks, too! Hulk doesn’t respect knick-knacks!
Massey: Look, we’re almost done. Just calm down and we can get this over with…
Hunter: (calming down) Fine.
Massey: Now, you’ve heard the strong words from Gordy Lovett. How did you react to his display of cow punching and home-spun Texas wisdom?
Hunter: Look, we’re very different, Gordy and I. I know nothing about Texas. But I saw something today that changed me. David Hasselhoff was on the Great Wall of China in a light up jacket singing about freedom. And it occurred to me, if Knight Rider can make East and West Russia find common ground, maybe Gordy and I can, too.
Massey: (nodding) While your facts are wildly off, your spirit is right on the money.
Hunter: My *generous* spirit.
Massey: Yes, your generous spirit.
Hunter: Also, if for some reason we can’t find common ground, I’ll destroy him with my hands and feet.
Massey: Or… destroy him with those hands and feet. Okay, that’s it for this edition of ‘Getting to Know You’. I’m Craig Massey, we’ll see ya later.
The camera pulls back as the set darkens. Massey facepalms, while Hunter burns the roof of his mouth on a hot pocket.