We open inside the familiar television studio featuring a Classic Wrestling background, basic subtitles once again informing us that this is “A RANDALL SCHWARTZ PRODUCTION” but this time we get a neat little twist…an announcer, a voice that we soon recognize as John Bardo, famous for his role in that comedy show that goes on every Saturday night.
“Laaaaadies and gentlemen, Randall Schwartz invites you to join him for a chat about…fear!”
Everything goes quiet for just a moment, the cameras cutting between shots of the stage from different angles in the hopes of finding the Entertainer himself…but the man of the hour is soon found hiding behind the curtain, peeking his head out as his eyes dart back and forth across each end of the stage. After a moment, Randall tucks his head back behind the curtain, which draws a response from a now-confused Bardo.
“It’s okay, Randall…Lord Colossus can’t hurt you here. This studio is a safe space.”
With an audible sigh of relief, Randall steps out from behind the curtain doing his best to put on a brave face as he waves to us with a smile.
“Thank you for that lovely introduction, John. Folks, let’s talk about the things that scare us, shall we? Some people are afraid of bees, some are afraid of the dark, and some are afraid of the crushing reality that we are alone in this universe, flying closer and closer to the end of everything we know and love dearly…”
We can hear Randall’s voice trailing off near the end, the Entertainer staring off into the distance as though contemplating the meaning of life in the middle of this very promo. He soon shakes the feeling of misery off as he continues, a more somber look on his face matching his change in tone.
“It’s okay to be afraid, my friends. Fear can be powerful, even overbearing, unless you remember that everything is gonna be okay in the end…at least until the universe collapses in upon itself, but we’re not hear to discuss the end of the universe, are we?”
Randall simply shakes his head before continuing.
“No, friends, we’re hear to talk about–”
He is soon cut off by the appearance of Lord Colossus…projected upon the curtains and enveloping the Entertainer, who lets out a loud YELP as he ducks and covers, anticipating violence. After a moment, when the violence is clearly not happening, Randall is able to calm himself down before speaking once again.
“We’re hear to talk about Lord Colossus, quite possibly THE scariest man I’ve seen in my life.”
Randall turns his attention to the projected image behind him, pointing to emphasize his next statement.
“Look at this man, look at the absolute state of him. Can you blame me for being afraid of this behemoth? Most men wouldn’t dare step up to this challenge. Most men would quiver in fear.”
He turns back to us, his smirk replaced with a grin as he points to himself.
“But I am not most men…I am an Entertainer. When you have to tough it out in the crazy world of Hollywood, you pick up a few tricks and tips…like taking out the load-bearing support of a structure. For one Lord Colossus, that support is Walter Whezl…and I have just the game plan to deal with him.”
The grin quickly fades from Randall’s face, a snarl in its place as the Entertainer’s tone grows more aggressive.
“Walt, if you so much as come NEAR me I will punch your lights out, pal! I know Lord Colonscopy won’t be happy with that, and it’s something I’m banking on! Let him come at me, let him throw his weight around as he tries to crush me…after all, the bigger they are the harder they fall!”
Randall is now shouting, his eyes widening with rage as he continues.
“I will bring the giant doofus down to size, all by myself might I add, and I will pick up the win I need to continue my quest for the REAL World’s Championship! How do ya like THEM apples, Walty? I’ll see you and your precious lapdog at Episode Four, you no-good…”
With that, the comprehensible part of the promo has come to an end as stagehands rush to calm the Entertainer down. We then hear a final statement from John Bardo:
“Join us next time for another Randall Schwartz chat!”
The stagehands escort a still-angry Randall behind the curtains as we fade to black.