Immediately we open on CARLO and GOMEZ AMARETTO cackling like a pair of cads before the red-curtained stage of their lounge theater. Their not so lovely assistant SUZI stands slouched in the background, indifferently filing her nails.
Carlo: AVANTI, little people of Classique Wrestling! We, the AMAZING AMARETTOS, are here yet again to fill your pathetique little lives with shock and wonder!
Gomez: Carlo and I were just reminiscing over our absolutely AMAZING victory at Episode Deux over those mundane mongoloids, Jackson Miller and “Fender Bender” Jones! HA-HA!! Such simpletons…
Carlo: As you saw for yourselves with your bleary eyes, our methods in mayhem are no mere illusion! We are as merciless in the wrestling ring as we are mystical on the stage!
Gomez: And on this upcoming episode of Classique Wrestling, you will all be witness once again to the greatest tag team spectacle to ever perform such spellbinding feats of strength!
Carlo: This time, we won’t be performing mere parlor tricks to keep you feeble minds entranced and entertained! Much more is at stake, as Gomez and I enter a qualifying match to compete for the coveted Classique Wrestling Tag Team Championships!
Gomez: HA!! As if we need qualifications?! Carlo, do you remember that non-believing FOOL from the Las Vegas Entertainment Review Board, who said we weren’t qualified to be running our own lounge act?
Carlo: Heh heh, I certainly do, Gomez! And it’s just as we told him, shortly before conjuring forth a roll of quarters from his ear and beating his FACE in with it: if anything, we are OVER-qualified!
Gomez: Indeed, dear brother! We should be awarded those Championships on principle alone! We are, after all, the most AMAZING tag team in all of Classique Wrestling! But no matter… taking those titles by force will be easier than pulling a rabbit out of a hat!
Carlo: But to get there, we must first deal with two meager, smelly HIPPIES who call themselves “Surf Express Bro”!
They exchange smirks and burst into laughter once again.
Carlo: Lazy beach bums pose no threat to a pair as AMAZING as ourselves!
Gomez: What good is it to surf the waves of the filthy ocean? We manipulate the very waves of AETHER that bind our material plane into existence
Carlo: Forget their foolish “cowabunga” nonsense! We have the AMAZING power of ALLAKHAZAM!
Gomez: We’ll send them back to farming spuds back home in Potato Land once we give them a magical beatdown the likes of which they could have never believed possible!
They perform simultaneous overhead claps in unison.
Carlo & Gomez: SUZI!!!
Their assistant groans as she shuffles over to the side of the stage and grabs onto a rope dangling from the fly loft above the stage. Gomez slips off to the opposite side of the stage and retrieves a cheap surfboard that looks like it was made of plywood. The words “SURF EXPRESS PRO” are sloppily painted across the uncoated surface. The Amaretto brothers direct their twin sneering grins to the camera.
Carlo: Watch closely, BOWIE ABRAMS and BRADLEE NELSON, if your small and insignificant minds can comprehend the incomprehensible things you are about to see!
Gomez: This is exactly what will become of your pathetic careers after Episode Quatre!
Gomez clears his throat, cueing Suzi to yank the rope. A white curtain falls over the brothers, obscuring them from view.
Gomez: …and KADABRA!!
The sound of something wooden violently snapping in half can be heard. A moment later, after another clearing of the throat, Suzi yanks down on a second rope, causing the curtain to fall. We see Carlo and Gomez brushing splinters off of their gloved hands. Then they throw them up in unison in theatrical flourish!
Carlo & Gomez: TA-DAAA!! AMAZING!!
Below the frame, we can hear them kick the broken halves of a busted up surfboard out of their way as they approach the camera, grasping at the air in front of them.
Carlo: Just like THAT, Surf Express Bro, we will make you DISAPPEAR from Classique Wrestling in shame and humiliation!
Gomez: And more bruises than you can ever hide behind your fake tans!
Carlo: Brace for the WIPE OUT, Bowie and Bradlee! We’ll wipe you out of EXISTENCE!
Gomez: And it will be absolutely…
They briefly flash each other their matching grins.
Carlo & Gomez: AMAZING!!
POOF! Cackling to themselves, the Amaretto brothers disappear behind clouds of purple smoke as we fade out.