”Not” Hunter: “Outrage! This is an outrage! Do you hear me, Craig?!”
Craig Massey hears him, even though he has a finger in both ears, his eyes closed, and is wishing he were somewhere else. “Not” Hunter stands nearby, twirling his very real mustache, veins popping out of his forehead as he yells.
”Not” Hunter: “How could you let this happen? The company is closing?? What the hell is going on?! I just signed a very lucrative contract for millions upon thousands of dollars, and now apparently it’s ‘null and void’ according to the office. What do null and void even mean?! I assumed it was the name of a cool new Classic tag team that I would then ignore like all the others except for the Abstract Archipelagos, but I was told in no uncertain terms that such an idea was ‘patently ridiculous’”
Craig winces, looking around for something to jam in his ears and both eyes as Hunter continues to scream.
”Not” Hunter: “And now, I find out I have to go out and fight on the last show against the Lord! The friggin’ Lord, Craig!! How can I fight against the Lord when he is the lamp unto my feet and light unto my path, which is something I just made up right now?”
Craig gives up finally, and turns to Hunter, sighing.
Craig Massey: “I told you, it’s not THE Lord. It’s Lord Colossus.”
Hunter scrunches up his eyes.
”Not” Hunter: “What?”
Craig Massey: “Lord Colossus.”
”Not” Hunter: (sighing) “Well that’s just great. Not only is he the living Son of God, but he combined that with a made-up word I’ve never even heard of. What the hell is ‘colossus’? How do you even spell that?? Is it ‘colossus’? ‘Collossus’? ‘Cuhlahses’? Yes, I know which one it is! Dammit, Craig.”
Craig Massey: “Scott, he’s not…”
”Not” Hunter: “Who’s Scott?”
Craig sighs more heavily this time.
Craig Massey: “He’s not the living Son of God. He’s just a man, a great big seven-foot man who weighs 350 pounds and wears a mask and leather studded spikes all over his body, minus his biceps and groin.”
”Not” Hunter: “I see. So no defense for a shot to the boys, eh? Rookie move, Lord Cuhlahses. But I’ll have to be careful. If there’s one thing I learned from the classic fantasy movie The Princess Bride, it’s that men who wears masks cannot be trusted, and this will be tricky, because I AM left-handed.”
Craig just blinks.
”Not” Hunter: “And your choice of wardrobe was very foolish. I will be bringing large buckets of water to the ring with me, and I will douse you in LIQUID DEATH, RUINING YOUR LEATHER AND THUS RENDERING YOU VERY VERY UNCOMFORTABLE DURING OUR MATCH!! And worse yet, because you are so ugly that you need to wear a mask, I will taunt you and call you names, thus enraging you and causing you to walk straight off a tall embankment to your death. Yes, I will walk you toward an embankment! You hear me?!?! WALK.”
Craig Massey: “That’s enough. I just realized I don’t have to put up with this anymore. I’m done. I’m gonna go to California Pizza Kitchen and get a slice.”
Craig walks off screen, and Hunter stands, mouth agape and dumbfounded, more than usual I mean.
”Not” Hunter: “California Pizza Kitchen?? What the hell does California know about pizza?? Or kitchens?”
He looks back at the camera.
”Not” Hunter: “Do you see what you’ve done, Lord Cuhlahses, hallowed be thy name? You’ve made Craig leave. I will not let this injustice stand. And before I leave you and go to prepare for your utter THRASHING, I have a bombshell announcement to make…”
Hunter stares intensely into the camera, then suddenly reaches up and rips off his fake mustache.
”Not” Hunter: “That’s right! It was me! It was me the WHOLE TIME! How stupid do you all feel?? Like on a scale from one to ten? Somewhere around 15, amirite?? Well this week, I Scott Hunter will go out to that ring, throw holy water on the Lord, and emerge VICTORIOUS, like that Nickelodeon kids show, and will raise my record-breaking streak of wins to TWO! And when I do, I will finally complete my great mission, maintaining a WINNING RECORD! And nothing that any of you can do will stop me! I don’t know where I’ll turn up next, but I will turn up a CONQUERING hero, SUCKA.”