The scene is simple, a heart shaped bed, blood red satin sheets, low lighting, a large man appears to be half naked, standing before the bed in a classic superhero pose. Hands on his massive hips, well, really they’re on the sides of his fat rolls, where his hips should be. Chest puffed out, head cocked to the side, nose turned up. His name is “Beautiful” Bobby Dean, and he simply oozes sex appeal and herpes.
In between the large man and the bed is a shiny gold stripper pole, for what purpose, no one will know. Ambiance? Is it even real gold?
BBD: Lover, I have been waiting for this single moment since the day you arrived at CLASSIC. Our paths may not have crossed before now, but trust me, your name has been whispered into my ear hole countless times, from numerous sources.
Bobby begins to wring his hands together, his body filling with anticipation.
BBD: To be honest, I feel like I’m a kid again, about to go on my first date with the love of my life. My palms are sweaty, my stomach is doing backflips, the crack of my ass is dripping wet. I’m nervous! Questions flood my mind. Will you be gentle with me? Will you enjoy our time together? Will it be over too quickly? Will you whisper sweet nothings into my ear as you lay on top of me? Will you be thinking of Harry Chest or Freddy Kilgore the entire time? I have to wonder, am I enough for you? I mean, you just had an orgy of a match with Dash, Bradlee, and Alex Bruder at Episode 11. How will I measure up?
The uncertainty overwhelms Bobby as the sweat seeping from his pores becomes quite visible.
BBD: Another thing I’m afraid to bring up is the fact I’m not really feeling the same amount of love from you. Why are you not full of sweet anticipation, like me? I saw your little vignette and well, I’m worried. Did I do something to upset you? You didn’t look as happy to meet me as I was expecting. I mean, I am pretty famous! And you and I are two peas out of the same pod, with the only difference being I’m a bit more open and honest with myself, while you prefer to hide behind masks, and do your business under the covers with the lights off…
Bobby sighs, looking back over his beefy shoulder to the unkempt bed.
BBD: You know one of the perks of being as big and loveable as I am? I can go completely nude, and because of my big luscious belly which sags so beautifully, no one is the wiser! Your Angela doesn’t have to pixelate anything, the studio doesn’t get hit with fines, and all the while I’m over here hanging free in the breeze!
Cue the megawatt smile.
BBD: I know your schtick is usually a nice little poem, and well, as hacky as it seems I can’t help but jump on board that bandwagon. You see, I too am a man of many talents.
Bobby has a mischievous little smile on his face, like a kid who’s up to no good.
BBD: Roses are black, Undercover is whack. Bobby Dean is cool, he’s even got himself a fool. Larry is Barry, he gets a little wary, when I stuff my face with dairy. Am I doing this right? Are you filled with fright? With every word I rhyme, Mikey will pay me a dime. Please, help me quit, I regret this bit.
Abject fear is starting to show on Bobby’s face, clearly he regrets this decision. Why does UC do this week after week!?
BBD: Lover, I’ll see you soon, when I make you my little spoon.