Various pinball machines are set up in a corner of this unknown facility. In a different corner?
Street Fighter II.
THE SIMPSONS- WHAAAAAT?!
Vito Valentino, one of six challengers for the Premier American Championship Battle Royal at SLAM-A-THON, is furiously mashing the buttons at the cabinet.
SWING THAT VACUUM, MARGE!!! SWIIIIIIING IIIIIIIIT!!
Metro appears to be on Stage 6: Dreamland. After the bowling ball BOSS chases Marge across some clouds, ending her digitally constructed life, her sprite blinks on the screen. “Continue?” pops up, begs for more tokens, and counts down accordingly. Quickly reaching into the pockets of his pants… Vito comes up empty.
Frrrrggggrrrrr….. dang. Shoulda gone with Bart.
Turning his attention to the camera, Vito wipes the built-up sweat from his brow. He then motions for the camera to follow him towards the center of this unidentified building.
I’m sure you’re all wonderin’ where exactly you are right now. Soooo allow me to introduce you to “Metro’s Entertainin’, Crazy, Classic Arcade”! Or, as I like to call it… MECCA!
Vito motions for the camera to follow him away from the games where there’s… a wrestling ring?! Vito slides into it and stands in the center, keeping his head on a swivel as faces from FIVE different Classic Wrestling Megastars, crudely drawn in crayon on paper, stare back at him. Each portrait is secured with masking tape to its two-hundred-plus pound grapple dummy one might see in an amateur wrestling room.
How about this?! Nothin’ like givin’ back to the community. A fully stocked arcade and event facility? SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY. The event booked this week? The SLAM-A-THON meet-N-greet, with METRO, in an AUTHENTIC Classic Wrestling ring!
But first? Allow me the opportunity to thank the children of our local Brooklynites for sendin’ us quality sketches of my opponents for the Battle Royal. Ain’t that just the sweetest thing ever?! So sweet, in fact, I figured I’d put ‘em to good use! From Lindsay Brunk…
Vito points towards the plain black grappling dummy with Randall Schwartz’ face on it. Dragging it towards the ropes, he gets in front of it, lifts like he’s going for a bear hug, but instead dumps the grappling dummy over the top rope!
Later, Randall! Great picture. Next, from Mikey Fuzz…
Metro measures up another dummy and grabs it for a bodyslam. There’s a picture of Freddy Kilgore secured to the dummy via masking tape. Running into the ropes, Vito rebounds and clotheslines “Kilgore” out like yesterday’s news!
I “just said no” to you, Fredster. Ohhh, take a look at this one by Brock Primanti!
Vito points towards the third dummy. The drawing of Carlos Ruiz looks utterly terrified! Lifting the heavy dummy high into the air with great strength, he tosses over “The Spanish Luchador”!
Nothin’ personal, partner! Whoa. Look at this totally nuanced photo from Aaron Smiley!
Wasting zero motion, Vito charges at the brown colored Jack Fargo drawing, upending him over the ropes like all the previous others!
You just came in BRONZE, Jack! And now… we come to Justin Joseph Jones’ submission. The likeness that Triple J captured is uncanny!
Vito looks over towards the corner turnbuckle opposite from where he tossed over Bronzer, spotting an extra long poster-board stretching across TWO side-by-side dummies. Calling upon the power of his METROpolitans… VITO LIFTS “SHUJIN” UP AND OVER!
I could stand here all day and trash everybody. But… why pound my chest and rip you’s a new one when ANYTHIN’ can happen inside a battle royal? Anythin’ can happen when the only goal is to SURVIVE until you’re the last man STANDIN’!
Shujin might break wind so hard everyone flies out simultaneously like Randall just divided by zero.
Bronze might wanna actually medal in Gold and launch Papa Wild Thang like he’s shootin’ skeet. OLYMPIC SKEET SHOOTIN’, GUYS.
Freddy might D.A.R.E to C.A.R.E. and actually win. Who knows?
Carlos might “skin the cat” and win when we least expect it.
And METRO might be the one standin’ tall, fellas.
Whether I survive until the end or just eliminate everyone who gets in my way, I’m takin’ that sexy new title on a date… through the METROpolis.
Call it destiny, fate, luck, or skill. When that bell rings? ALL of you will be callin’ me Classic Wrestlin’s Premier American Champion.
We fade from the bips and bops of mechanical whirring and video game voice-overs to
black and gold.
(For MECCA events, call 1-800-CWMECCA)