The scene is the banks of the Cuyahoga River in Cleveland, home of the Classic Wrestling Arena. On its banks stands “All-Natural” Chick Grillbreast, next to a cardboard poster that says “CLASIK RESLIN” written in permanent marker on it. No one ever said Chick knew how to spell. He stands facing away from the camera.
CHICK: Some nerd once said all things must come to an end.
He turns around to face the camera, rage bubbling behind his eyes in the form of several visible blood vessels.
CHICK: BUT THAT’S WHY THAT GUY WAS A NERD! THINGS ENDING MAKE ME SO MAD!
Chick picks up an empty bottle and hucks it far off into the distance. A faint “squawk” can be heard, denoting that Chick hit some bird, a seagull, a pigeon, the species is unimportant.
CHICK: I WAS JUST STARTING TO GET STARTED HERE IN CLASSIC.
Chick stops to think if he was being redundant, even though he didn’t know “redundant” was the word he was looking for. He hasn’t gotten that far in his calendar yet.
CHICK: And now? IT’S CLOSING? BEFORE I HAD THE CHANCE TO BE THE REAL WORLD’S CHAMPIONSHIP AND MAKE MY STATUS AS KING OF THE SWOLE BROS LEGIT IN THE EYES OF GOD AND MAN? ARGH!!
Chick stomps his foot on the ground. He’s blissfully unaware that it was smack in the middle of a pile of dogshit.
CHICK: I am being ROBBED of my true DESTINY here in Classic Wrestling! It makes me SO MAD that I almost want to barge into Cleveland Browns’ owner’s Art Modell’s office and yell at him until he moves the team to Baltimore! THAT’S HOW MAD I AM RIGHT NOW.
CHICK: And now, in my LAST MATCH FOR CLASSIC WRESTLING EVER, I have to wrestle a PUNY LUCHADOR? CARLOS RUIZ? WHY DOES THAT NAME SOUND FAMILIAR? THIS IS THE YEAR 199X! Why would I think this guy has the same name as a member of a baseball team that won the World Series in the 2000s WHEN THAT HASN’T HAPPENED YET? Have I entered a time warp?
Chick looks with glassy eyes in the distance at the profundity of the concepts that are sparking in his feeble yet swole mind.
CHICK: REGARDLESS, CARLOS RUIZ! You made the mistake of coming back to Classic Wrestling not only as it was closing, but when CHICK GRILLBREAST, the ONLY SWOLE MAKER OF SICK GAINZ, was making this is sworn Kingdom! AS SURE AS THE ACNE ON MY BACK IS UNRELATED TO ANY PHENOMENON OF USING UNNATURAL MEANS TO GAIN BULK, I will make you feel TRUE PAIN.
Chick flexes one last time for the camera, which he is unaware is catching the aforementioned bacne from busting open and oozing again one last time.
CHICK: I’ll make you wish you STAYED RETIRED, away from this company, AWAY FROM MY KINGDOM OF SICK GAINZ AND PROTEIN POWDER ONLY, BRO. You want to horn in on the company I was about to take over if not for things like “endings” and “owner burnout?” NOT ON MY WATCH. That’s why I’m gonna burn you at Classic 24, just like I’m going to burn this effigy…
Chick pulls out his Word of the Day calendar.
CHICK: …of Classic Wrestling to symbolize the death it is about to suffer. CLASSIC WRESTLING, I had a great time here showing everyone what it meant to get SICK GAINZ and build NERD-DESTROYING muscle mass THE ALL-NATURAL WAY. But now, I gotta burn it down. Nothing personal, guys. I’m grateful for the opportunity. But even though IT MAKES ME SO MAD that my first home in wrestling is going away? Well, I’m not mad about all the nerds I got to stuff into trashcans while I was here. Thanks. This fire’s for you.
Chick lights a match and sets the cardboard poster on fire. The fire burns colors other than orange and red due to the pollution in the soil, which has now also lit on fire.
The fire spreads to the river, which instead of extinguishing or just stopping, spreads onto the water. The Cuyahoga River is now on fire, thanks to “All-Natural” Chick Grillbreast.
CHICK: Oh no… OH NO! I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
Chick gulps and does the one thing he hates the most… cardio. He bolts from the scene as the river goes up in flames. Fade to the Classic Wrestling logo.