Shaky cam footage of the Cow Punchin’ Cowpuncher Gordy Lovett pushing and crunching his way through brush and bramble clad only in his usual trimmed t-shirt, jeans and boots. The footage of our unusually silent Texas Stampede is accompanied by the muffled yelps of pain from Gordy’s cameraman, his elderly grandfather “Peepaw.” The huge Texan holds up a finger as he crouches down next to a bush big enough to hide them from… well, whatever it is they’re tracking.
“Hush up old man… squat down here and settle, ya hear? I can smell her… “
“Jus’ get on wit’ this here monologuin’ uh yer’s so’s I can get back to the got damn truck ya’ big dramatic ijit. Blasted wrasslers didn’t need no damn nature documentary to prove a point befer a match in MY DAY I tells ye’ hwhat…”
The twigs and bramble… and possibly the old mans knees and hips… crack and snap as he hunkers down in front of his hulking grandson so he can cut his wrestling promo. Undeterred by his grandpas complaining, Gordy parts the bushes with his hands and gives a gander to the clearing in front of them.
“Carlos ol’ buddy you done got yerself a problem, mah dude. What you see here before ya mah little conquistador, beyond ol’ Gordy wearin’ the hell out of these Wranglers, is a desperate man. If’n ya’ been payin’ attention to mah particular situation you’ll know mine and ol’ Peepaw’s home is on the line. Ever loss I eat ever mistake I make I get closer to me and mah kin bein’ got damn homeless… that’s what Doris Hilton waggles over mah dang ol’ head ever time I troop out to that there ring.”
The bush springs back into appropriate cover as Gordy finally turns towards his crouching Peepaw and his terrifying manager’s brand new camcorder.
“I’m as desperate as I’ve ever been, Carlos mah friend. The old feller holdin’ this here camera would be happy to regale all uh y’all about all the wild things the Lovett clan got up to round these parts when times was tough. Nasty things that when looked at through the lens of these here society… well, funny how desperate things and evil things… you know… it’s a matter of time and perspective, feel what I’m layin’ down brother? The Lovett’s have a weird knack of bein’ able to perpetrate whatever they need to tu’ survive and to keep floatin’ as comfortably as possible down that ol’ river of life, ya’ dig? If ignorin’ that voice deep in mah guts, swallowin’ mah pride, and go about perpetratin’ the actions of a desperate bone throwin’ Lovett man backed into one hell of a corner… baw god, what the hell am I capable of… ya’ know, Carlos? Nah… you probably don’t. But I’m sure you’ll try, bah gawd. “
His head snaps around at the sound of disturbed brush and bramble.
“Wait… hear that?”
Old man Lovett doesn’t miss a minute of the bare fisted man versus wild hog throwdown happening in front orf him. Silent pride as he deftly films every second of his broad shouldered grandson heave his giant dad bod atop the screeching monster. His giant lunchbox sized mits wrapped tightly around the beasts huge, gnarly tusks Gordy violently wrenches the monsters head sideways until we hear an absolutely gut churning crunch of the wild pigs vertebra.
Hollers from both Lovett men fill the clearing as Gordy gets to his feet, feudally wiping at the mud and gore covering his shirt.
“Ye’ can tell Jeff that pig that ‘et all his cabbage crops is as dead as the got damn dodo, old man! WOO! COME ON!”
Gordy proceeds to heave the lifeless pig up and across his shoulders. And having been in this business far to long to waste a moment of pure intimidation such as this Gordy turns his pig blood covered visage towards the camera as he and Peepaw crunch back through the clearing up towards their truck.
“I’mmo look forward to hearin’ what sort of third person Si Senior bull honkey you come up with Carlos… I want you to sit there and think long and hard about what ol’ Gordy said here today. I will survive these here desperate circumstances, Carlos. Just like I survived ol’ porky here… SQUEAL, BOY!”
Gordy and Peepaw hawhaw as they clamber up to their truck where a white SUV is now also parked. Doris Hilton leaning devilishly against the wheel well.