The scene opens inside a small office space lit only by candle light to the sounds of vigorous typing. We see everyone’s favorite henchwoman, Karen, concentrating in front of a typewriter accompanied only by an impatient looking silhouette of a man pacing the room behind her.
OSV: Read it back to me.
Removing the paper from the typewriter, Karen clears her throat, in ladylike fashion.
Karen: I, JSN, hereby tender my resignation to Classic Wrestling under an incredibly rage-like demeanor following the travesty that took place on Episode Five for the following reasons…
Appearing from the shadows and into the light, none other than Johnny Saint Nelson snatches the paper from Karen’s hands.
JSN: You’re not orating with confidence WenchWoman! I’ll take it from here!
AHEM, HEM HEMMMMMM! Non ladylike clearing of the throat from JSN before he holds his index finger up.
JSN: Reason number one! JSN must always participate with good honest and professional referees who understand that closed fist throwing is illegal…
Unsure, he brings the paper closer to his eyes.
JSN: Reason number two! JSN has a god given right to always win?
It’s at this point that The Saint scrunches the paper up in disgust and throws it at Karen.
JSN: These are just excuses, Karen! This isn’t what I told you to write. A thousand JSN prayers, stat!
Karen tries to assure him that both points made were printed in bolded caps and signed by himself in his Good Book but it’s too late. Handing the book back she trudges off, leaving JSN to disappointedly reflect as he places the book beside the typewriter.
JSN: Failure. I failed my congregation. I failed my cause but most importantly…JSN failed everyone associated with Classic Wrestling.
He closes his eyes in confession.
JSN: Failure so close to glory, can break a man.
He opens them, intently.
JSN: But OHHHH LORDY, it can’t break JAYYY ESSSS ENNNNN! No, sir-rie bob!
The candles burn brighter.
JSN: A test! My loss was simply a test of JSN’s cause, of his will…and his faith in himself. Alex Bruder found a way to run my quest to become your Real World’s Champion off the road. But it’s on the road at Slam-A-Thon that JSN must overcome his next obstacle and reinstall the faith in each and every one of you weak minded Classic Wrestling fans.
He takes a seat and puts his feet up on the desk.
JSN: That next obstacle is not in understanding what exactly a thon is and why, as a competitor in Classic Wrestling’s first ever pay per view, one must slam it.
He wags his index finger.
JSN: But in the form of a six foot three, four hundred pound man….
His eyes widen as he stops himself in his tracks.
JSN: Nay, not a man. A Bus. Double Decker you believe you’re a bus and JSN will proclaim that he admires your faith. Much like JSN, you have amassed a strong following of men, women and children who rely on you. You have done so by your belief in the most noble of all the transportation vehicles.
He holds his hand to his heart.
JSN: Unlike your cousins, the train and the plane, you have offered your passengers the most affordable and loveable transit from A to B. But JSN must point out that, despite your popularity, your passengers are unfortunately misguided.
Standing, the lights dim.
JSN: We reached our destination following different paths. I have had to book three journeys to Slam-A-Thon while you have navigated here via two short cuts. Nonetheless, JSN hasn’t been able to predict exactly in which direction you will travel. This makes you an incredibly dangerous ride indeed..
He holds up the good book, his palm held up flat.
JSN: As seen in the Big Greyhound’s defeat to Ruiz you were stuck in reverse and your fortuitous victory over a blinded King Kong Frank has left your passengers at Classic Wrestling unable to see that you are prone to breakdowns and towing…unreliable issues in all your lives.
Standing back to his feet.
JSN: But the most pressing issue to concern yourself with at Slam-A-Thon is the dead end you come up against in the form of JSN. Your wheels will fall off and your passengers will open their eyes by joining MY congregation…
All but one candle now remains revealing half of The Saint’s face.
JSN: Ensuring once again that Classic Wrestling’s wheels will go round and round…with JSN!