We slowly fade in to Patrick Moss, Classic Wrestling’s lead play-by-play commentator and all-around analyst sitting down in a dimly lit room wearing a dark brown suit and red tie. The “Classic Wrestling” banner hangs behind him, and a lonely looking dracaena rests to his right in a salmon-colored pot.
MOSS: Thank you for joining me today along with my very special guest- “Metro” Vito Valentino! Thank you for joining me, Mr. Valentino.The camera pans out a bit, revealing Metro sitting in a chair to the right side of the table plant.
METRO: Thanks for havin’ me, Patrick! But please, call me Vito. There’s only two people that have ever called me Mr. Valentino: one was Mrs. B in the ninth grade and the other was Principal Farnsworth, who I only ever saw ‘cause of Mrs. B!
MOSS: Certainly, Vito. Now then… wait a second, did you say Mrs. B?! I had a Mrs. B, too!
Both men share a warm chuckle and shake their heads nearly at the same time.
METRO: Lemme guess… short grey hair? Ugly flower print dress? Shrill voice that could pucker a bull shark’s butthole?
Patrick looks stunned.
METRO: Yep. Pretty sure it was the same woman and she’s just been cloned about a million times.
Moss laughs a hearty laugh before continuing.
MOSS: So, my first question for you today, Vito, is what did you think of the first episode of Classic Wrestling? Talk to me.
Vito chuckles and sits forward in the overstuffed chair.
METRO: I thought it was fantastic! Every match seemed like a close’un and certainly made me aware that there’s some serious competition. And let me just say that I’m still quakin’ and shakin’ after seein’ Franky comin’ for me with that good for nothin’ chain of his! Yeesh!
Patrick can’t help but to stifle a laugh.
METRO: Somethin’ else that comes to mind from the show is how good Johnny Saint Nelson looked. Man. I’m an absolute amante for a good submission hold, and that stump puller he caught Harry Chest with looked brutal! I had “The Every Dad” picked to move to round two, so I just wanna “thanks” The Saint for bein’ a damn bracket buster already! Lawd have mercy do I hope he and I cross paths in this thing! It’ll be the Scorpion Death Lock versus the good ole Stump Puller, baby! A win-win for the fans if I ever saw one!
Patrick nods in agreement. Listening to his counterpart praise JSN, he moistens the tip of his finger with the swipe of his tongue and he pulls back the corner of the paper, briefly peeking at the next page.
MOSS: Johnny Saint Nelson certainly impressed everyone out there, Vito. So, by the end of the show the smoke cleared and we all became aware that in the next round of the Real World’s Championship tournament you will be facing “All Business” Alex Bruder. What are your thoughts on that?
He thinks about this question for a moment and sighs disappointedly.
METRO: Ah marone. Let me preface my answer first by admittin’ that it’s gonna be a killer match-up as well. Bruder did everythin’ in his power to pick up the win against Jackie Fargo, which ain’t much different from what I had to do against Franky to score the dubya. But…
Vito sits forward with a marked intensity about him.
METRO: …I didn’t like the way he cheated throughout that match. It just didn’t sit right with me, y’know? I might’ve rolled Franky up by his overalls but at least I brought it to the psicopatico for 99.9 percent of the match! Which is way more than I can say for Alex. But I don’t wanna cast aspersions on my next opponent, Patrick. At least, not yet anyway. So my feelins’ aside? I think it’s gonna be a highly competitive match-up. Annnnd I’ll just leave it at that!
Moss is seemingly surprised by Vito’s response.
MOSS: Well there you have it, folks. The first words from one of the men advancing to the second round! We have SO much more to cover here in this three-part interview. Stay Classy, Classic Wrestling fans!
Metro gives a wink and a thumbs up to the camera before we fade to a special message from Classic Wrestling.
Tune in on Tuesday, June 8th, for Part II of this interview!