Suzie groans like a beat up engine in desperate need of motor oil. Her dead, listless eyes are, as always, lost to a thousand yard stare.
She could be at the gas station scratching off lotto cards right now, but instead, she’s knee-deep in a large wooden trunk, accented with runic carvings. Her arms are bound to her sides by several strands of rope. She is also entrapped between the twin rueful glares of Carlo and Gomez Amaretto.
She looks more like a not-so-lucky damsel in distress than a not-so-lovely magician’s assistant.
Carlo: Be without FEAR, you dreadful woman, for FEAR is the MIND KILLER! And be THANKFUL for this golden opportunity we have gracefully bestowed upon you!
Gomez: After all, if our TANTALIZING TRIUMPH over the bumbling Bolts at Classic Wrestling’s vicenary episode has proven anything, is that we have OUTGROWN the need of your paltry “assistance”!
Suzie doubtfully arches an eyebrow at that comment. The truly AMAZING thing here is that she can still ash her lit Pall Mall without the use of her arms.
Carlo: But overcome THIS dazzling and daunting feat, Suzie, and you shall finally be brought into the sacred Amaretto society of magic and sorcery!
Gomez: FULL manager privileges! Which means, you ALSO get a sandwich whenever we order out to feed our AMAZING appetites!
Carlo: All of your training and apprenticing under our master tutelage has finally led you to NOW!
Gomez: Your MOMENT of TRUTH! Your FINAL TEST!
Ever the showmen, the brothers throw their arms majestically into the air.
Carlo & Gomez: The BOHEMIAN BOX of BINDING!!
No reaction from the not-so-lovely assistant, aside from an unimpressed puff off her menthol.
Carlo: THIS CHEST you are standing in is an ARCANE RELIC from an age of MAGIC, long LOST to the annals of human civilization!
Gomez: Until WE found it, in a most AMAZING discovery… in a pawn shop, down the block!
Carlo: The challenge, you insolent HAG, is to ESCAPE this spellbound sepulcher within THREE HOURS!
Gomez: Failing such, the chest will be MAGICALLY SEALED for all time, leaving you WOEFULLY ENTOMBED for the remainder of your pathetic life!
She blinks. At this rate, that sounds like an upgrade.
Carlo: There is NO turning back once you’re in!
Gomez: Are you PREPARED, Suzie?!
Her shoulders unenthusiastically pop into a shrug.
Suzie: Sure, yeah, whatevah…
Carlo: PERFECT! So it begins…
Together, Carlo and Gomez push down on her head to lower her the rest of the way into the trunk.
Suzie: Hey-HEY! EASY, you mooks!
The Amarettos slam the lid shut, and quickly work in conjunction with numerous chains and padlocks to further keep it sealed…
Then they pick up the chain-bound trunk, walk it out the door…
…and onto the back of a delivery truck, waiting at the curb, engine running.
Carlo slaps a sticker to the lid of the trunk that reads “SHIP TO ABU DHABI” while Gomez slaps the side of the truck to signal the driver. Then it pulls away, taking Suzie with it.
Carlo and Gomez cackle like fiends.
Carlo: That takes care of THAT liability!
Gomez: And without her to RUIN our act, we can now focus on IMPORTANT matters!
They redirect their sneering showmen smirks to the camera, making sure their Tag Team Championship cumberbunds are in full view.
Carlo: REPOSSESSED! Perhaps we should be THANKING you for dealing with the matter of that King Kong FREAK in our stead!
Gomez: Much like the forgotten FOREIGN LEGION before you, you have proven to be as USEFUL as you are STUPID!
Carlo: And at ClassiqueMania, you shall prove useful to us AGAIN… as the NEXT UNLUCKY VOLUNTEERS to a MAGICAL MAULING at the hands of the most AMAZING tag team champions in the history of wrestling!!
Gomez: One that will TWIST your PUNY MINDS as UPSIDE DOWN as the filthy island you come from, GNALL and HASH!!
They are interrupted by the clearing of a phlegm-filled throat…
Suzie: That’s HAUL and GNASH, your morons.
Carlo and Gomez stand agape as Suzie casually walks up and drops her bindings at their feet.
Suzie: Turkey sub, no mayo.
Carlo and Gomez exchanged equally stunned expressions.
Carlo: …OH NO!! GOMEZ!! My SPELL-SENSE is TINGLING!!
Gomez: …OH YES, CARLO! MINE TOO!
Carlo: QUICKLY, brother!! We must return to the SANCTUM SLAMTORUM!!
In twin puffs of smoke, the brothers make a hasty exit. Nonplussed, Suzie groans.
Suzie: …fuck my life.