(The camera opens on Lover standing in front of a CW backdrop somewhere backstage in his tied robe and signature mask. He gives someone behind the camera a concerned glance.)
“Is she here?”
(After seemingly getting the confirmation of someone’s absence, Lover snaps out of his melancholy and puts on a wide smile.)
“Hello to all the turtledovers, it’s Undercover Lover here after a scary good performance at In Your Haunted House that put the Lover’s record into the positives. Speaking of positive, I hear that ol’ Shooter hopped on his scooter after taking Lover’s advice, and now he’s back home with his old lady making nice..
(The Lover glances around and then cups his hand over his mouth as he leans into the camera.)
“That is long as he can keep those dentists on ice. OH HAVE MERCY! But Lover doesn’t take this windfall light. He’s set his sight on The REAL Worlds Championship to give him some companionship. And the only thing standing in Lover’s path is a field of contenders lookin’ to feel his wrath.”
(Lover claps his hands together enthusiastically as he continues to nervously glance off-camera.)
“First we have Dash Dackson, the kid from tomorrow. Now The Lover wonders if he knows about his impending sorrow? Don’t get Lover wrong; I’m not here to be a roaster, even if the kid’s best and only friend is a toaster. Dash is very tall, athletic, and smart, but none of that matters when you’re getting punched in the heart. The kid may give the Lover pause when he cocks his fist back at the ready, because judging from the kid’s blond hair and good looks the Lover could very well be his granddaddy.”
(Something moves behind the camera, immediately catching the paranoid Lover’s attention. He self-consciously tightens his robe and tries to preoccupy himself with another hearty clap to get himself back into the promo spirit.)
“And then there’s Bradlee Nelson. We probably share some of the same turf since we’re both hot babes that are prone to bedroom surf. Now that’s where the comparison drops in stock, because Lover’s got brains and looks and Brad seems dumber than a box of rocks. I’m guessing his school average was an F+, but Lover wont take him lightly because he managed to stop the bus. You had help though, didn’t you Bradlee? Bowie had your back. Not in this match though ‘brah’. There will be no one to pick up your slack. And don’t be surprised if the Lover gives you a tap in the sac-”
(A polite cough off-screen pulls Lover out of his spirited rant. He glances off camera once again. His eyes fill with horror as all color drains from his face.)
“Sacrilege! That’s what the Lover was saying before the rude interrupt. The way Alex Bruder lost the gold was completely corrupt! This icon, this champion, this king of Classic Wrestling firsts! He deserves the best, and this company gave him the worst. How do you treat a pioneer with such disrespect? He was the first REAL Worlds Champion…but the Lover interjects. He’s the first FORMER Champ too, and the only man in this match to lose at the pay-per-view. So maybe the Lover should call for a take two and reconsider this man’s presence in this four-way rendezvous .”
(As Lover calls for a cut, Angela from Standards and Practices saunters into the shot. The Lover’s eyes dart around the set, as if searching for his escape. Sweat drips down beneath his mask as he comes to the conclusion that he’s been cornered. Angela pulls out the stun gun and brandishes it in front of her as she slowly closes in on Lover, as if approaching a wild animal. Finding no recourse other than to stand up for himself, Lover suddenly pulls back his fist and cocks it at the ready. Angela’s eyes glint from behind her dark shades daringly.)
Angie from S&P: You. wouldn’t. dare.
(Without hesitation, Lover lays into Angela’s chest with a brutal heart punch, but somehow the woman from standards and practices shrugs it off and pushes Lover’s fist away. Lover begins to cower into a nearby corner, afraid and clutching his fist as the glint of the stun gun advances even closer.)
Angie from S&P: You dumb man. Don’t you know that no one from Standards & Practices has a heart?
(The camera begins to fade to black as the stun gun sparks upon connecting with flesh.)
“oOoOoH hAhAhAvE mErCeEeE!”