On a long and lonesome highway east of the Classic Wrestling studio, you can listen to the speakers moaning out Bob Seger’s “Turn the Page”… because what else is Double Decker going to listen to when he’s on the road again?
We catch the Big Greyhound cruising through the desert. He’s behind the wheel, this time, blazing a mean trail to the next show, a big smile on his face and a palpable joy in his voice.
DOUBLE DECKER: Hey Classic Wrestling fans, how you doing out there?! It’s your friend Double Decker here, pumping gas and kicking ass, and let me tell you… I am just so excited to get back in that ring and tear it up with Undercover Lover!
The Tim Boetsch Of Driving A Coach spent a little too long looking down the camera’s lens, his focus diverted from the road. A loud horn suddenly fills the air. Double D swerves quickly, avoiding the oncoming car before continuing his way safely down the road. His bus, it seems, is empty.
DOUBLE DECKER: Whoops! Guess the Big Greyhound should’ve kept his eye on the road there, but I’m a little distracted. See, I heard Undercover Lover – which I’m pretty sure isn’t his Christian name, by the way – call ol’ Doublé Decky a “dud”! Well Lover, let me tell you this, brother… the only duds this bus likes are Milk Duds, and guess what?
Decker pulls up an empty box from down the side of the cabin. He holds it up to the camera, then throws it out the window.
DOUBLE DECKER: I’m all out, brother! So I guess I’ll have to chew you up instead!
This comedically gigantic human decides, in that moment, that he must stop the vehicle at the side of the road and retrieve his trash. Why? Because Double Decker is one responsible mass transit themed wrestler and respects the environment. He does just that, pulling up, hopping out the door, and traipsing through the dust.
DOUBLE DECKER: I know all my friends out there are wondering “hey Decker, what happened to you last time”? Unfortunately, pals, every engine hits a hitch every now and then. Every tyre gets a hole, every gas tank runs dry, and I know it’s been a while since you’ve seen me, but it’s time to get back on timetable… and friends, this big ol’ motor doesn’t plan on missing any more stops!
Decker takes a second to wipe the sweat from his brow in the sweltering sun. He finds and picks up his Milk Duds box.
DOUBLE DECKER: But I gotta admit I’m a little apprehensive this time around. Lover, you’re a mighty confusing sort. I heard you talking about seducing ham sandwiches and uhh, dead people, so let me tell you straight away… I’m here to put smiles on faces, brother, not catch diseases.
If you didn’t already know that Double Decker is a confused human being, you know now that Double Decker is, without a shadow of a doubt, a confused human being.
DOUBLE DECKER: You might be the king of getting ass, Lover, but let me tell you, when it’s time for the rubber to meet the road, the engines to roar, the pistons to start pumping and the gas to start flowing, nobody, and the Big Greyhound means NOBODY, can HAUL ass like the Decker! And brother…
He pulls a folded sheet of paper from his pocket and spends a second or two scanning down the list.
DOUBLE DECKER: … I just checked the timetable, and your stop is up! You’d best take your place at the bus stop, line up nicely, check your ticket’s in order, and make sure you’re ready for the ride of your life, because when you hear that…
You know what it is.
DOUBLE DECKER (cupping his hands around his mouth): … HOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNKKKKKKKK!
Oh yeah baby.
DOUBLE DECKER: … you’re gonna find out whether or not you’re man enough to take the ride! The Big Greyhound might not be the fastest motor in the yard and maybe his handling isn’t the nimblest but when it comes to heart, nobody’s pistons pump louder!
Decker slaps the left side of his chest.
DOUBLE DECKER: And to all my fans out there, stay safe, call your mother and tell her you love her, brush your teeth, and most important of all… never leave chewing gum on the seats! Double Decker has left the station.