The scene opens in view of a confessional box. Two arches are covered by white drapes.
OSV: Mmm, yes that’s quite the pickle. Do go on.
OSV 2: I…I’ve finished. I was asking for your advice on my sinful urge to sleep with my neighbor’s wife.
The shot enters the confessional box on the side of none other than Johnny Saint Nelson who suddenly sits upright and pries his thumbs away from his Game Boy before finally attending to the confession at hand.
JSN: Well, this is an atrocious thought you have, coveting thy neighbor’s wife. Typical of today’s society. I could tell you not to enter into relations with said wife but ultimately your lack of self control will be your undoing.
The shot switches to the confessor, confused over what he’s hearing.
JSN: Go forth, sir. You have JSN’s blessing. Make your sinful mistake but ultimately always try to remember…be like JSN.
The young man’s eyes widen with a mix of horror and excitement at the blessing before making a swift exit. The shot returns outside the box where JSN, shocked at the sudden departure minus the pleasantries, peers his head out of the drapes to see who rudely left. A scowl forms as he sees his neighbor exit the church.
JSN: DARN IT, JACK THE ADULTERER! NOT AGAIN!
Stomping out of his box JSN throws his mini entertainment system to the ground in frustration.
JSN: CONFESSION IS OVER! EVERYBODY OUT OF MY CHURCH!
The queue of hundreds look on in disappointment but mainly inaction.
JSN: WHERE ARE MY HENCHMEN?
Clapping twice, altar men and women immediately emerge with their collection baskets held out, promptly resulting in the emptying of the congregation. The doors shut as JSN clasps both hands upon the altar, head bowed in the now dimly lit room.
JSN: Confession can be tough. Owning up to one’s weaknesses and improving thyself seems to be the hardest thing for so many.
Shaking his head he breathes in deep before proudly raising his head and releasing that pearly white grin.
JSN: But OHHHH LORDY, it wasn’t hard work for JAYYY ESSSS ENNNNN! No, sir-rie bob!
A wag of the index finger follows before he takes a 100 dollar bill from a passing henchwoman’s basket and pockets it in his black gown. The two lock eyes, the woman closes hers and leans in for a kiss. JSN grips his hand upon the altar, biting his free fist in a desperate attempt to fight off temptation.
JSN: 10 JSN Prayers! And think about what you’ve done, Karen!
As the rebranded WenchWoman trots off to pray for forgiveness, JSN makes his way to the front of the altar, clasping his hands together.
JSN: JSN stands before you, three matches away from becoming the very first Classic Wrestling Real World’s Champion. JSN’s last match? Victory via submission. So fitting, wouldn’t you agree?
He makes his way down the steps.
JSN: While the word of JSN spreads unto the masses, soon to be followed by most without question…others, like Harry Chest, showed they will simply submit to my will.
A proud smile appears as he walks through the aisle.
JSN: Next up for the teachings of JSN is The Irresistible Force himself, Shujin Yama. 6’4, 469 pounds. The strongest and biggest man in Classic Wrestling. Having observed him progress against Rich K Hunt in the WTT 1st round, JSN has his work cut out.
Henchwoman: Cleanse me JSN, I must not be a wench, Cleanse me JSN…
He pats the woman in prayer gently on the head as he walks on by.
JSN: Yama, You left an institution which cannot evolve within the modern era. You wish to better yourself here in Classic Wrestling? Your foresight is indeed admirable but your past will always be your weakness.
He stops in his tracks removing the good book of JSN from his pocket. Clearing his throat for the sermon he raises his free palm to the sky.
JSN: Shujin, your Sumo path is your excuse for your obesity. Your irresistible force is your opening the fridge and picking up the fork addiction. You have fallen for the modern world’s trap that bigger is better. Yet you will fail simply because you cannot overcome your gluttony and lack of self control. Saying no to temptation can only be achieved by the truly strong…
He proudly presses his free thumb firmly upon his chest. Queue creepy grin time.
JSN: So submit to me, Shujin…And Classic Wrestling will be stronger with JSN.