“Life in the Fast Lane” blasts through the PA system as the crowd directs their attention toward the curtain. The fans embrace the arrival of the chiseled Italian cabby, “Metro” Vito Valentino. He hurries out, clenches his muscles and flexes his biceps. He removes his signature sunglasses and reveals a picture perfect smile. Valentino points and winks.
Moss: Here we go! Show number one opens up the tournament for the Real World’s Championship! It’s “Metro” Vito Valentino going up against the SAVAGE! THE MADMAN! King…Kong…Frank!
Howley: That’s right, Moss, and we’re not talking bout a tournament for that stupid reality TV show that made MTV famous, NO – we’re talking about THE tournament of tournaments; THE bracket of brackets – we’re set to see the first steps in deciding the winner of THE REAL…World’s Championship.
Moss: Let’s direct our attention to Otto Price who is at standby with “Metro” Vito Valentino…
Hard cut on stage to the dapper Otto Price holding a microphone to his lips. Valentino awaits Price’s pre-match interview when the sound of a chain slamming against the concrete is heard. They turn toward the entrance where King Kong Frank is waving his signature steel chain as it slams against everything in sight.. The crowd erupts! Frank’s eyes wide and focused, and his frothy mouth snarls as the hairy wild man comes charging toward the Italian cabby.
Moss: And we begin the show with a cat and mouse chase! Valentino jolts in distress!
Howley: Someone tell that brainless coward that weapons can’t be used in Classic Wrestling!
The crowd cheers as Frank and Vito circumvent the ring. Vito dodges decapitation and leaps under the bottom rope like a missile. Valentino rolls toward the opposite turnbuckle as Frank hops on the apron. The brave referee interrupts Frank and he rips the chain away from the beast. Frank throws a brief tantrum before turning a blood shot eye toward the crowd. Spittle flies from the madman’s foaming mouth as he directs his attention toward the official. The referee steps back.
Howley: I hope that the referee has an insurance policy because he’s looking at his deductible directly in its eye…
Moss: Wait! Here comes Metro! Vito glides across the ring and meets Frank with a right forearm! Metro reaches forward and grabs Frank by his long hair and flips him over the ropes!
Frank’s back slams against the canvas as Valentino falls forward and wraps his arms around Frank’s neck. The referee tosses the chain outside the ring and requests the bell. The match begins. Metro has Frank in a sleeper hold. Frank uses his power to roll over and send Valentino tumbling forward. Frank is quick to his feet and drives his right leg directly into Valentino’s ribs. He continues to drive and stomp his boot into Vito’s side. Frank reaches forward and lifts Vito, but Metro’s oiled body slides out of Frank’s hands. Valentino lunges toward Frank’s knees and tackles him to the ground. Metro mounts Frank and begins to slam him in the face with a litany of rights and lefts.
Moss: These two men are tearing into each other!
Howley: This isn’t recess, Moss. No, my man, this is good old fashioned knuckle in your mouth, boot to your brain, wrasslin’…
Frank blocks the final punches and is able to drive his knees into Vito’s abdomen to push him off. Frank and Valentino hurry to their feet, and Frank immediately whips Metro toward the ropes! Vito runs toward Frank and ducks underneath a crucial lariat! Metro bounces off the ropes. Frank spins around, but Vito slides between his legs! Vito is on his feet! Frank turns and is met with an Italian right hook! Frank growls! The fans pop!
Moss: Frank isn’t fazed!
Howley: The man’s blood type is Type O-Moonshine! He eats hooks for breakfast!
Frank reaches forward and pulls Vito into a ferocious side headlock. Vito is capable of pushing away after nearly two minutes of Frank’s growling and tugging. Frank lunges and the superstars lock up collar-and-elbow.
Moss: A test of strength! The behemoth is applying all his weight!
Metro cringes as Frank’s knee is driven into his abdomen. Valentino doubles over and Frank slides forward with five knuckles to Vito’s forehead! Vito backs against the ropes and then Frank whips Metro across the ring! Frank meets Vito in the center and lifts him over his head!
Howley: These fans are in awe at the sign of strength being revealed in that ring. That’s why we call him King Kong!
Frank presses Metro not once, not twice, but three times before dropping him to the ring with a powerful thud! Frank’s intense eyes widen and he clenches his teeth. He spins around and continues to stomp on the fallen Valentino several times before Metro rolls to the side of the ring and hugs the ropes. The referee calls for the break and Frank anxiously steps away. Vito slowly pulls himself to his feet. Metro is shocked. Frank lets out a roar and steps toward Vito but the Italian defends himself with a slew of right hooks! The crowd counts with every punch!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
The competitors are in the center of the ring and Vito stares into the crazy eyes of King Kong Frank. Valentino takes two steps back and acts as if he’s going to finish Frank with a final punch…but DROP KICKS him in the chest instead! Frank takes one step back and looks down at his chest.
Howley: TWAS ONLY A SCRATCH, VALENTINO!
Moss: Vito will have to do better than that!
Vito is on one knee. He stares in awe at the beast before him. Frank smirks, and slowly looks at Vito. The smirk doesn’t last very long! Frank slaps Vito in the face! AN EXPLOSION OF SPIT! The cabby flies from his knee and lands two feet away into the ropes! He’s dazed!
Moss: MY GOD!
Howley: That’s just not…FARE!
Frank quickly attacks and peels Metro from the ropes. Valentino slides around the big man and grabs Frank between the legs and pulls him down for a school boy pin!
Moss: Vito has Frank by the overalls!
The referee hits the mat!
ONE!
TWO!
Howley: You’ve got to be kidding me!
THREE!https://cw.crackedcreative.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=121&action=edit
Vito immediately pushes off Frank and quickly slides out of the ring. He has a huge smile on his face. Frank rolls onto his knees and cannot believe what’s just happened…
Harold Robbins: The winner of the match by pinfall…METRO…VITO…VALENTINO!
Frank lunges toward the ropes, but Valentino jogs toward the back. He backs up, his eyes on the savage, as he shrugs his shoulders with a cocky grin.
“Life in the Fastlane” hits!