“March and Fanfare” by the Bobs plays throughout the arena as the Classic faithful turn their attention to the stage where out walks “The Entertainer” Randall Schwartz. There’s a smirk on Schwartz’s face as he accepts the shower of boos that are directed at him. He strokes his chin, adjusts his sleeveless shirt, and confidently struts toward the ring.
Howley: What in the blue blazes is this?
Moss: This is Randall Schwartz, Thunderbird.
Howley: If I hadn’t recently visited my optician – I’d probably be looking at a 5 foot, 10 inch blur that reminded me of a loser…with impeccable chops.
Moss: I’m curious to know what you think about his opponent, Rikki Roxx…
Howley: I don’t know much about Rikki Roxx.
Moss: He’s the lead singer of Black Addler.
Howley: Is he a wrestler?
Moss: He is, now, and he’s Randall Schwartz’s opponent.
Howley: What kind of wrestling promotion is this, Moss? We’re surrounded by a bunch of wannabe’s and comic book characters.
“I Wanna Rock” by Twisted Sister hits the speakers just as Randall Schwartz enters the ring. The Entertainer awaits as The Thrashman, Rikki Roxx leaps from behind the curtain and onto the stage! The fans are going nuts as His Royal Majesty of Metal begins banging his head back and forth and waving his arms in the air. The fans are excited to see the debut of The Architect of Air Guitar, live and in person!
Howley: Oh Good Hamburglar – you…have got…to be kidding me. This is a wrestler?
Moss: Give the man a lot of credit, Thunderbird, he’s gone through a lot and has come out on top. Wrestling has changed his life and he’s looking to pave a path here in Classic Wrestling.
Howley: I wrestled a guy like this, once. Let’s just say he didn’t wrestle me twice.
Moss: I’m assuming you beat him up pretty good?
Rikki Roxx is at the edge of the stage wailing on an imaginary guitar as the fans yell out “ROCK!” to follow along with Dee Snyder’s vocals.
Howley: Here’s the thing that most people don’t understand, Moss. This isn’t for everyone. I get that Randy Shorts is an entertainer and this Rock guy wants to redeem his career. I understand. I’m a rather reasonable guy. Rationale only goes so far when you’re face-to-face with a person who eats, sleeps, and breathes this profession; who is this profession. If you so dare think that “if he can do it – I can do it” then you better damn well understand that the next morning you’re going to cough up skin cells that belong to my elbow. I don’t play well with pretenders, Moss. But, what I do…is turn pretenders into believers.
The Roxxstar Extraordinaire jogs down the ramp with a smile from ear to ear.
Moss: Well, you’ve definitely turned me into a believer that you’re one heck of a color commentator.
Howley: What are you tryin’ to say, Moss? That THIS is all I am? A voice? A talking head? That I can’t still get in that squared circle and tussle with the best of them? That I can’t lock up with these second rate rope lickers? Are you sayin’ that…that…I’m a has-been?
Moss: No, Thunderbird. I’m sayin’ you’re MY has-been.
Howley: I quit. I’m not calling this match with you.
Roxx slides underneath the ropes and into the ring. The Mount Rushmore of Encore slides into the center of the ring and continues to strum against an air guitar. Schwartz leans against the turnbuckle and yawns as he watches Roxx passionately play along with his Twisted Sister entrance. Roxx jumps up to his feet, hurries to the turnbuckle, scales it, and sings along as the crowd shouts “I WANNA ROCK! …ROCK!” The music begins to fade. Roxx climbs down. Ring announcer Harold Robbins is front and center alongside the referee.
Harold Robbins: The following contest is for one fall with a thirty minute time limit for the first round of THE REAL World’s Championship. In this corner…weighing in at 176 pounds…from Hollywood, California. He is THE ENTERTAINER…RANDALL…SCHWARTZ!
The crowd continues to boo. Schwartz smirks. He leans on the turnbuckle as he awaits the start of the match. His cockiness is at an all time high.
Harold Robbins: And his opponent, weighting in at 239 pounds. He is from DETROIT, ROCK CITY! He is…THE THRASHMAN…THE PARIAH OF POWER SLIDES…HIS ROYAL MAJESTY OF METAL…THE LEAD SINGER OF BLACK ADDLER…SNAKEBITTEN…RIKKI…ROXX!
Roxx once again goes for the air guitar. His eyes are closed. His lips are clenched. He’s wailing extremely hard against this imaginary instrument. Suddenly he’s kicked in the bread basket via boot from Schwartz! Robbins and the referee take a few steps back as the official calls for the bell and Schwartz delivers another stiff boot to Roxx’s mid-section that sends the rockstar back-first into the turnbuckle. The referee calls for the bell!
Moss: Schwartz wasn’t waiting any longer for Roxx’s display of pomp and he’s got the Patriarch of Party Rock against the turnbuckle.
The fans boo as Schwarts grabs a handful of Roxx’s blonde hair and begins to punch him in the face. One! Two! Three! Four! Finally the referee steps in and pleads with Randall to release the hair. Schwartz lays in once again with a slew of jabs. One! Two! Three! Four! The referee finally pries himself between the superstars until Schwartz releases and throws his hands in the air. The Entertainer looks displeased and takes a couple steps back. Roxx shakes his head and pats his forehead as he slowly removes himself from the turnbuckle. Schwartz goes for another kick to Roxx’s gut but Rikki grabs Randall’s leg underneath his arm and pushes The Entertainer into the center of the ring. Roxx then sweeps Schwartz’s free leg and tackles Randall to the mat! Roxx mounts Schwartz and begins to unleashe a litany of lefts and rights! One! Two! Three…and the fury of punches continue as the Entertainer absorbs the beat down.
Cut to the commentary table.
Moss: My goodness, Thunderbird, Rikki Roxx is off to the offensive here! Or, is this more defensive?
Howley’s back is turned to the camera as he stares off into the distance, away from the action, and ignoring his counterpart.
Meanwhile, in the ring, Roxx has turned his mounted punches into a forearm grinding into Schwartz’s forehead. Rikki briefly pauses. He raises his arm in the air and does a single head bang that transitions into a falling headbutt into his opponent’s face! Schwartz sells the move by kicking Roxx off him and rolling toward the ropes. The Entertainer finds solace in the lower rope; he’s nursing the bridge of his nose. Schwartz is slow to get up as he dramatically spits outside the ring. He is asking the referee to replay a possible illegal headbutt. Roxx hurries toward him but Schwartz takes a step outside the ropes so that Roxx can’t touch him.
Moss: He’s just toying with Roxx right now.
Roxx tries again, but this time Schwartz hunches over and drives his shoulder into Roxx’s mid-section. The rockstar steps back into the center of the ring and nurses his gut. Schwartz punches him in the forehead! Roxx has enough in the tank to stand tall and return a punch to Schwartz’s face! They lock up! They begin to punch each other in the face several times! One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! The crowd is going wild as the two superstars pound each others’ visage into dust! They let go of each other…both men take a few steps back. They stare at each other for a second. Then…they both fall face first onto the canvas! The referee starts to count…
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
Roxx is rolling onto his knees.
FIVE!
Roxx is up! He lunges toward the fallen Schwartz and turns him over. He goes for a pin.
ONE!
Schwartz kicks out and Roxx instantly transitions the pin. He flips Schwartz over and applies a half crab! The referee communicates with Schwartz, but the Entertainer isn’t giving up.
Moss: I don’t know, Thunderbird, but it looks to me as if Roxx might be the better wrestler here…
Howley: …(silence)…
Eventually Schwartz is able to fight his way out of the hold and musters enough strength to claw to the ropes. Roxx releases and stampers to the center of the ring. The referee is near Schwartz and directs him to release the ropes and get back in the match. Roxx walks toward the Entertainer. Schwartz reaches for the referee and grabs a chunk of zebra stripes!
Moss: You can’t grab an official like that!
The referee is trying to push Schwartz off him and succeeds! The official bounces off Roxx and spins around which creates a blind spot and gives Schwartz enough time to deliver a crucial low blow! Roxx falls to his knees and holds his crotch!
Moss: NO! NO!
Howley spins around.
Howley: Now THAT’S “snakebitten”…
The referee spins to see Roxx on the mat and Schwartz getting ready to pick him up. The crowd is booing profusely as Schwartz has Roxx up and finishes Rikki off with THE SCHWARTZ SPECIAL!
Moss: THIS IS IT!
He goes for the pin.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Randall Schwartz pushes himself off Rikki Roxx and slaps his hands as if it was nothing. He quickly rolls out of the ring as “March and Fanfare” plays once again. Roxx rolls over and grabs the referee. He’s pleading with the referee that this wasn’t the end of the match…
Harold Robbins: The winner of the match by pinfall…THE ENTERTAAAAIIIIIINER…RANDALL…SCHWARTZ!
Roxx slams his hands against the canvas and watches as Schwartz walks around the ring with a despicable smirk from ear-to-ear.
Howley: Hey…sometimes the only way to beat a guy is to make sure he never reproduces. In this case…consider me a Rambo Smarts fan.
Moss: It’s good to have you back, Thunderbird.
Howley: Shut up, Moss.