Moss: We are back ringside as both men are ready to square off. You’ve got the one and only, Undercover Lover.
Howley: And the oddly phallically named Randall Schwartz. It’s kismet I tell you.
Moss: Or it’s just a coincidence.
Moss: And there’s the bell.
Both men stare daggers at one another. Neither moving seconds after the bell rings. The crowd has no love for either man, but they don’t pay any attention to them. Randall is the first to make a move but the masked Lover quickly dodges the attempt at a grapple and playfully shoves him aside. Randall cracks his neck and composes himself. A small smile peeks out of Lover’s mask. The two men lock up in the middle of the ring as Randall takes Lover to the mat with a quick hip toss. Lover climbs to his feet quickly and runs at Randall who ducks down and swipes at the legs of Lover. He falls flat on his back as Randall goes for a cover.
Moss: Going for the pin early in this match.
Howley: I’ve heard rumors about Randall and being early.
Moss: Is this the time or the place?
Howley: No better time than the present.
Lover easily kicks out before the ref even gets down. Then Lover swipes the leg of Randall and goes for a pin of his own. To which Randall kicks out quickly. Both men get to their feet and lock up once again. Lover takes Randall down with a side headlock and flipping him over. Lover speads his legs while wrenching down on Randall. With a closed fist Lover begins to hammer away at the top of Randall’s skull. The ref steps in to make sure the fist is opened. As the ref checks the fist, he misses Lover gouging at Randall’s eye with his thumb.
Moss: The ref can’t see the thumb in Lover’s eye.
Howley: Some would say it’s akin to a faci….
Moss: Don’t finish that statement.
Randall eventually sprawls out far enough to get to the bottom rope, but Lover is able to drag Randall out towards the middle of the ring. But doing so Randall is able to switch the momentum and is able to get Lover pinned.
Moss: Another early pin in this match.
Howley: Both men are looking for a quickie…
Moss: (Silently glares at Howley.)
Lover kicks out and gets to his feet as does Randall who quickly takes Lover down to the mat and gets top mount. Lover covers his face as Randall pauses for a moment and leans over the head of Lover and begins to grind his elbow between Lover’s arms. The ref’s view is obstructed and can’t see what is happening as Randall has positioned himself between the elbow and the ref. A few quick stiff shots before he sits up Randall goes for an arm bar but Lover rolls onto his side and pins Randall to the mat.
Moss: Lover is using his leverage to his advantage.
Howley: Usually Lover isn’t this tied up unless he’s got a safe word and his experience is showing in these kinds of positions.
Moss: NOW ISN’T THE TIME!
Howley: The people need to know!
Moss: Quick thinking by Lover to pin down Randall.
Howley: (Mumbles into the mic) Not the only thing quick about Lover.
Moss: What was that?
Randall manages to get a shoulder up and rolls out of the ring to compose himself. Lover beckons for Randall to get back into the ring. Randall just waves him off as the ref begins to count.
Randall begins searching under the ring for something.
Moss: What is Randall up to?
Howley: Probably looking for your Virgini….
Moss: A Chair. He found a chair.
Howley: That’s what I said.
Eventually Randall comes back from under the ring with a steel chair and slides it into the ring. Lover walks towards the chair but the ref cuts him off and takes the chair to the opposite side of the ring to toss it outside. Lover climbs between the ropes but Randall runs to him and throws a handful of sand in his face. Randall climbs onto the apron and grabs the middle rope and begins to lift it up and down furiously as Lover is caught.
Moss: Lover is between the ropes and Randall is just thrashing his groin.
Howley: You heard that right?
Moss: (Sigh)… Go ahead.
Howley: Nope. Just going to let you sit with that one for a minute.
The ref turns around just as Randall climbs into the ring and drags Lover with him. Then Randall grabs both of Lover’s hands and mockingly goes for a test of strength.
Moss: These two brave warriors are giving it all they got.
Howley: And way longer than the 35 seconds they are accustomed to.
Moss: Please stop.
Lover slowly fights his way back to a base. Both men are grunting and sweating, as both their hands are above their heads. Both men have the same idea. Thinking they are outsmarting their opponent.
Moss: BOTH MEN JUST KICKED OTHER IN THE TWIGS AND BERRIES!
Howley: That’s going to cut someone’s weekend short.
Moss: You can say that again….
Howley : Someone’s weekend…
Moss: I wasn’t serious.
Both men lay on the mat as the ref shrugs his shoulders and begins to count, but it didn’t even get to five before both men were reluctantly on their feet hunched over. Lover grabs the free arm of Randall and gets him set up for…
Howley: Time for the Heart Stopper.
As Lover reaches back Randall begins to reach for Lover’s mask causing him to pause briefly. Randall gets a knee up into the gut of Lover and slides down and goes for his patented…
Moss: The Schwartz Special…
Howley: He’s grabbing the tights!
The ref slides down.
Moss: THE REF SEES IT!
Randall gets to his feet thinking he’s won but reality sets in as the ref is explaining what happened. Then Randall gets furious but turns around to Lover locking him up.
Moss: HEART STOPPER!
Lover nails the hammerlock heart punch, falls on top of Randall and hooks the inside leg.
Robbins: The winner of this match via pinfall UNDERCOVER LOVER!