The scene fades in to reveal a massive weight room, with the Classic Wrestling Logo along the back wall, filled with floor to ceiling with mirrors and weight tree stacks.
A slightly portly middle-aged businessman in a suit and slicked back hair enters the shot. He flashes a malevolent, arrogant grin as he stares into the camera.
Titus: My name is Titus Fuchs, but you should already know that. In the world of professional wrestling I’m a renowned administrator and more importantly The Manager of Stars. Ask around and you’ll discover that the smart marks know my name well. Today it’s your absolute fortune to be introduced to the future of tag team wrestling!
As the words escape his lips two muscular titans, complete with heads shaved in various stages of mohawk cuts and colorful face paint, stride audaciously into view, flanking Titus Fuchs.
Titus: Ladies and gentlemen of Classic Wrestling, you didn’t know until you set your eyes on their glory how badly you wanted to see these merchants of destruction! You didn’t know you would be witness to the most dominant tag team to grace the world of professional wrestling! You didn’t know people could actually look like PAIN and SUFFERING!
I present to you, the team of Smashmouth and Breakneck… TWISTED STEEL!
With his chest pecs flexing and pulsing Smashmouth steps up to the camera and grunts.
Smashmouth: WELLLLLLLL, you know Titus… my brother Breakneck and I, we have been sitting in the back and listening to “the boys” and to the talking heads, hearing “he’s CUT” this and “He’s TONED” that! Let me tell you all something right here, right now. BEING CUT IS FOR KIDS… MASS IS FOR MEN! REAL MEN!
Smashmouth reaches across and slaps his brother “The Meanest Man Alive” on the shoulder, prompting Breakneck to scowl and flex so hard that he snaps the dog collar from around his neck.
Breakneck: SWELLING OF THE BRAIN! CONTUSIONS! INTERNAL BLEEDING! AWWWWW YEAH! These are the things that OUR dreams are made of!
The spittle flies from Breakneck’s mouth with every word.
Smashmouth: YOU SAID IT BREAK! CLASSIC WRESTLING YOU HAVE A MAJOR PROBLEM!
He glances at Breakneck, then looks back to the camera.
Smashmouth: MAKE THAT TWO MAJOR PROBLEMS!
Breakneck: TWISTED STEEL IS GOING TO PUT YOUR WISHBONE WHERE YOUR BACKBONE SHOULD BE!! TELL ‘EM SMASH!
Smashmouth: WE’RE BRINGING A PINE BOX AND 6 FEET OF HURT TO YOU BOYS!
Titus chuckles before he speaks.
Titus: You’re all going to find out what we’re about soon enough, but I want to get a message to a few guys that I’ve seen in Rich K. Hunt and Freddy Chedda. Gentlemen, wrestling is a sport of opportunists! You both may very well be the cream of the crop, the Blue Chipper, but on top of that cream, there is always some scum… and that scum….. that scum is Twisted Steel! If you’re looking for the baddest men on the planet? We ARE for Hire. Tell ‘em Breakneck!
Breakneck: WELLLLLLLLL TITUS! WE SAY WE’RE GOING TO DO BAD THINGS… AND THEN WE ACTUALLY DO THEM!
Smashmouth: WOOF! I HEARD THAT YACHT SNIFFER RICH K. HUNT SLAPS LIKE A GIRL! THAT’S OK, BECAUSE WE SLAP GIRLS TOO! TELL ‘EM BREAK!
Breakneck: WELCOME TO SLUG CITY! POPULATION YOU!
Breakneck rears back and slugs Smashmouth in the face. The shot staggers “The Buzzsaw” backward and he responds by simply shaking his head like a cartoon character who has just been flattened.
Smashmouth lets out a roar and grins from ear to ear, revealing that just maybe the elevator doesn’t go all the way up to the top floor. Do you think that makes him less dangerous, or more?
Titus: Here’s the deal Classic Wrestling… Twisted Steel is looking for a fight, but it seems like they’re the only ones… so until somebody grows a pair, Smashmouth is ready to take on any singles wrestler that makes the mistake of getting in the ring with him.
Breakneck: WE WILL PUNCH YOUR MOUTHS! SOMETIMES WITH OUR FISTS! AND WE EAT PURPLE! TELL EM’ SMASH!
Smashmouth: YOU HEARD MY BROTHER! LET ME TELL YOU WEASEL-NECKED GEEKS SOMETHINGS! SCAFFOLDS, 6 MANS, BUNKHOUSE STAMPEDES! IT DOESN’T MATTER!! WE GET OUT OF BED READY TO BEAT PEOPLE UP! HURTING PEOPLE IS OUR HOBBY! WE’LL HURT YOUR MOM! WE’LL HURT YOUR DAD! WHEREVER WE GO, WE’RE THE BEST AT MAKING PEOPLE CRY!
The power chords of Dokken’s INTO THE FIRE blast as the scene fades out.