The house lights dim, and golden spotlights hit the ring…
POOF!
As always, the AMAZING AMARETTOS make their AMAZING entrance through twin plumes of purple smoke! Carlo and Gomez flourish their capes, spin in sequence, and the Classic Wrestling Tag Team Championships materialize around their waists!
Carlo: AVANTI, Classique Wrestling! Your AMAZING Tag Team Champions have RETURNED!
Gomez: And now that we have arrived, the show may TRULY begin! Now begins the MAIN EVENT…
Carlo: The AMAZING…
Gomez: AMARETTO…
Carlo & Gomez: MAGIC REVIEEEWWW!!
They gallantly hold out their top hats and fling a hail of cards into the air. The fans unload on them.
“BOOOOOOO!”
Howley: Did I hear that right? Did he just say “main event”? Cause we got plenty of show left to get to…
Moss: Well, based on their combined egos, these two probably think they’re the main attraction whenever or wherever they appear.
When the house lights come up, we can see that their not-so-lovely assistant Suzie has hauled a heavy, leather-bound trunk into the ring. Her labor is rewarded when the brothers throw their capes over her head and turn back to the crowd.
Carlo: We assure you, ladies and gentlemen… tonight’s spellbound performance will ASTOUND the filthy lot of you in ways you never thought possible!
Gomez: Tonight, for the FIRST TIME EVER, you insignificant people will be fortunate enough to witness one of our grandest spells: the ESTRUCAN ART of ELEMENTAL EXTRAPOLATION!
Suzie pops open the trunk and shuffles around through what looks like an assortment of junk made to look like magical artifacts. She struggles in removing what appears to be a heavy stone, painted black and decorated with Egyptian hieroglyphs. She hands it over to the Evil Abra, who cradles it close to the chest as though there were some weight to it.
Carlo: BEHOLD! The OSCILLATING ORB of OSIRIS! A spheroid of the DENSEST elemental properties!
Gomez: Almost as DENSE as the lot of YOU inbred peasants!
Carlo: As you can see, this enchanted stone is HEAVY! An ordinary man could barely lift it mere inches from the ground!
Gomez: But as you all know well by now, we are EXTRA-ordinary individuals!
Carlo: And with the proper gifts…
Carlo’s fingers dance over the “orb”… and then suddenly, it becomes light enough to spin on his finger!
Gomez: …even the ORB of OSIRIS
Moss: Clearly, that’s an ordinary basketball spray-painted in a cheap mockery…
Howley: I dunno, Patrick. Looks kinda heavy from where I’m sitting!
Carlo: But to FULLY demonstrate the power of the orb, we will require a single, brave volunteer!
Gomez: Who among YOU are courageous enough?
They shield their eyes as they scan the crowd. Ringside fans are waving them off, clearly not interested. Carlo smirks to his brother, and a deck of cards MAGICALLY appears in the hands of Gomez.
Carlo: Gomez?
Gomez: Carlo!
Carlo: Remind me again… what is the most important thing on this material plane?
Gomez: Other than MAGIC? Why, you must mean…
The Killer Kadabra waves his hand, and the deck of fifty-two becomes a cool hundred bones!
Carlo & Gomez: MONEYYY!! HAHAHA!!
Carlo: Which, of course, WE have in droves, thanks to being the most SUCCESSFUL and TALENTED WRESTLING and MAGIC DUO in the history of entertainment!
Gomez: And naturally, we’d be inclined to give away this money… if only we had someone to participate in our AMAZING feats!
NOW the hands go up. The brothers peek out into the front row, and Carlo spies someone that leads him to nudge his brother.
Carlo: There…
Carlo follows his brother’s gaze and his smile widens. He points out a father and son pair standing at the barricade. The boy is clearly dressed as a magician.
Gomez: Yes! Perfect!
Carlo: SUZIE! Bring them here!
Gomez: MOVE, you impudent female! MOVE!
A cross look is on Suzie’s face as she steps through the ropes and takes her time descending the steps to ringside. Security briefly part the guardrail to allow the father and son through, and Suzie escorts them into the ring.
Howley: Looks like we have an aspiring magician in the crowd tonight!
Moss: I was going to say, who could possibly want to volunteer for these hucksters?
The boy stands immediately before his father, who has his hands on his son’s shoulders. The Amarettos greet them with the sneering smiles of snake-oil salesmen. Carlo takes a knee next to the child and leans in.
Carlo: SALUTATIONS, young man! And what is YOUR name
Boy: Um… Caleb. I mean, the Amazing Caleb!
Gomez takes a knee on the kid’s other side.
Gomez: Caleb! How quaint! And are you a fan of MAGIC, Caleb!
Caleb: Yeah! I hope to be a famous magician one day too!
Carlo: A magician?! HURRAH! Well, Caleb… becoming a PROFESSIONAL magician like Gomez and myself takes MANY, MANY YEARS of hard work and practice!
Gomez: And naturally, you must have AMAZING role models! That said, could you tell us who your favorite TAG TEAM in Classique Wrestling?
Caleb: I like the Surf Bro Express!
The crowd pops for the Amarettos’ erstwhile tag team rivals. Carlo and Gomez briefly look away to hide their matching annoyed snarls before returning their forced smiles back to the young magician-to-be.
Carlo: …really? Well, Caleb, let’s see if you have the natural predisposition for MAGIC!
Gomez: All you need to do is pass a simple TEST!
Carlo holds up the “orb”. Caleb looks upon it with wonder.
Carlo: All you need to do, young Caleb, is BOUNCE the Orb of Osiris a total of TEN TIMES!
Gomez fans the dollar bills clenched in his hand temptingly before the boy’s eager eyes.
Gomez: TEN consecutive bounces… NO INTERRUPTIONS! And you will be ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS RICHER, young man!
Carlo: A future investment to magic school!
Gomez: Or a bail bond…
Carlo: Are you READY, young Caleb!
The boy looks up to his father, who gives him a reassuring wink, and then Caleb nods.
Gomez: Then let the Estrucan Art of Elemental Extrapolation BEGIN!
Carlo delicately hands over the ball. When it falls into the boy’s hands and doesn’t immediately drag him to the mat under its “weight”, the brothers balk in astonishment! The ever innocent Caleb himself appears amazed by this, as if it validated his innate abilities.
Carlo: AMAZING! The Orb is ALOFT! Truly, a sign of MAGICAL prowess!
Gomez: Now BOUNCE, Caleb! TEN TIMES for ONE-HUNDRED-DOLLARS!
The Amarettos step back and give him space, smiling insincerely. Caleb begins dribbling the Orb of Osiris. Naturally, it bounces like a basketball would. The fans count along in support.
“One!”“Two!”
“Three!”
“Four!”
A smile spreads across the boy’s face. He’s really doing it!
“Five!”
“Six!”
“SEVEN!”
Gomez flashes Carlo a wink, and Carlo subtly pulls a small tube from the lapel of his golden tuxedo suit.
“EIGHT!”
“NINE!”
PFWTHT!
A blowdart suddenly lodges itself into the ball, deflating it immediately! It drops into a sad rubbery heap on the ninth bounce, and Caleb looks aghast!
“BOOOOOOO!”
Moss: Oh COME ON!
Carlo lowers the tube from his mouth and stows it away
Carlo: OH! How DISAPPOINTING! And you were SO CLOSE! However, Caleb, it is CLEAR now that you lack the natural talent and predisposition for magical aptitude! Our sincerest apologies!
Gomez: Maybe you should explore some other vocations, hm? Something more in line with your inferior, muggle intellect? Like… flipping burgers, or pumping gas?
Caleb frowns, his dreams shattered. Gomez closes up the fan of bills, and turns it into a handkerchief, which he dumps into the kid’s hand as a consolation. No longer having any use of them, the Amarettos’ smiles turn into ugly sneers.
Carlo: That will be all, thank you!
Gomez: BEAT IT!
Annoyed, Caleb’s father quickly takes his son out of the ring. Carlo and Gomez turn their attention back to the crowd.
Carlo: We have just enough time for one more spellbound feat, before we exhaust your puny minds with further AMAZEMENT!
Gomez: Who among you will be brave enough to be our NEXT volunteer?
HUSS!
And the studio audience goes wild.
HUSS!
HUSS!
HOOOOOOOOOO-AAAAAAAAAAH!!!
King Kong Frank, with the Premier American Championship tucked snugly into the bib of his overalls, casually stomps out and makes all sort of a ruckus simply by existing.
Moss: Well, things are about to get a whole lot more American, T-bird!
Howley: I feel like the word you’re looking for is MURICAN!
The Amaretto brothers share perfectly similar pensive expressions as they consider how to move forward. Meanwhile Frank stomps around like a madman, perfectly content to raise all sorts of hullabaloo at a moment’s notice.
Carlo: Hmm, what do you think, Gomez?
Gomez: A ponderous pontification, Carlo! He is far too heavy for us to levitate! And far too DENSE to be trusted to pick a card!
Carlo: How about the Aztecan Alchemical Atomizer!
Gomez: The Aztecan Alchemical Atomizer! YES! That is PERFECT! Let us prepare at once!
They simultaneously throw their heads back.
Carlo & Gomez: SUZIE!!
Like an abused dog, their not-so-lovely assistant hurries over with an enchanting shawl decorated in patterns of multi-colored beads while the twins redirect their beaming, clearly insincere grins back to the towering King Kong Frank.
Carlo: For this, we will require something near and dear to YOU, our massive mongoloid friend!
Before the Appalachian Nightmare can react, the Killer Kadabra slips around Frank and unburdens him of the Premier American Championship with the grace and swiftness of a pickpocket!
Gomez: Why yes… I believe THIS will suffice!
Meanwhile, the Evil Abra tears the shawl out of Suzie’s hands and immediately shoos the assistant away. He waves it around in enthralling and provocative motions before the beltless Frank like a matador waving a cape before a stewing bull.
Carlo: BEHOLD! The STOLE of TENOCHTITLAN! It is said that Montezuma himself used this to hide his riches from invading conquistadors!
Gomez: And when the White Man claimed it for his own, it came with the curse of HIS REVENGE!
Carlo: Don’t eat tacos around this thing… trust us.
Gomez: And now, we shall unveil its magic to YOU, as a display of our almighty and AMAZING power!
Gomez holds the Premier American Championship out in his hands while Carlo drapes the color-patterned shawl over it to hide it from view. The Amarettos clench their eyes shut and draw in deep breaths, preparing their minds and bodies for an AMAZING act of magic…
Moss: These guys may be barking up the wrong tree here!
The lights dim, and an overhead spotlight illuminates the action in the ring. A hush of anticipation falls over the crowd. Carlo’s fingers flutter enthrallingly through the air, weaving invisible threads of ethereal gossamer.
Carlo: BOSWORTH! BAMBALAMB! PUMPERNICKLE! PERTH!
Gomez: Show us what this “title” is TRULY WORTH!
Carlo RIPS the shawl aside…
…and the hands of Gomez lie EMPTY!!
Carlo & Gomez: AMAZING!!
The Amarettos pump their arms into the air and crow in triumph, earning more annoyed heat from the crowd. A close look at King Kong Frank’s glare offers a glimpse at the chaos about to be unleashed…
KKF: WHAT’N TARNATION?!
Frank is clearly not amused.
KKF: WHAR’D YOU DO WITH MAH MURICAN TITLE?
Carlo and Gomez are in hysterics and wiping tears from their eyes before they recompose themselves before the bearded giant.
Carlo: HAHAHAHAHA, you doddering oaf! How does it feel to have your tiny, uncivilized mind broken into TWAIN?
Gomez: You should see the look on your hideous, Neanderthal face! You look like you haven’t been THIS AMAZED since you first discovered INDOOR PLUMBING!
KKF: YOU SUMMANA-
Faster than a man his size should be able to, King Kong Frank shoots out a massive paw at the nearest Amazing Amaretto brother, goozling Gomez by the neck!
Howley: Here we go! Frank’s hot now!
Carlo is quick to come to his brother’s aid, pouncing on Frank’s massive back! Carlo tries to lock in a choke but Frank hucks him up and over like a sack of potatoes! Gomez squirms while Carlo tries to catch his footing, a clearly enraged Smoky Mountain Mastadon lifts Gomez by the neck and choke-tosses him at his brother, sending the dastardly duo flailing backside over tea-kettle through the ropes and down to the floor!
Moss: As usual, Frank is NOT messing around here with the Amazing Amarettos!
The PAC Champ is FURIOUS and he’s just about to give chase to the thaumaturgic tandem when he realizes that the brothers have left behind their not-so-lovely assistant, along with the “Aztecan Alphonso Whatever-It-Is”. Suzie drapes the shawl over one hand, does some fancy fingerwork, and…
Moss: Does Frank look little smitten, Moss?
…POOF! The Premier American Championship sensationally rematerializes when the cheap discount-store lap blanket is drawn aside! Shrugging indifferently, she offers it back to its rightful owner. King Kong Frank’s mind is very obviously completely blown.
KKF: I… uh… HUSS! Thanks fer usin’ yer Hoodoo Lady Magic for the powers of good! MURICA!
Backpedaling back up the rampway, the Tag Team Champions of Carlo and Gomez are absolutely livid!
Carlo: PREPOSTEROUS! IMPETUOUS! IMPERSONABLE!
Gomez: That ANIMAL! My NECK! MEDIQUE! MEDIQUE!