Moss: It’s time for the Main Event, Thunderbird! Classic Wrestling’s Tag Team titles are on the line! The Amazing Amarettos will surely be pulling all the tricks up their sleeves to try and take the belts as the Foreign Legion look for their first successful defense!
Howley: And we don’t have to say those four letters. We don’t have to watch Bobby Dean pick his nose while Some Man trips over himself. We get to watch a wrestling match!
# Abracadabara #
Moss: With magic!
Howley: Don’t ruin this for me.
KA-BOOM! Twin explosions create two rising plumes of purple smoke, and the Amazing Amarettos, Carlo and Gomez, “magically” appear on the stage. They regale the crowd as they flourish their capes, twirl their wands, and tip their top hats to the audience in perfect coordination with each other. The Classic fans respond with boos.
Robbins: The following match is One Fall, and for the the Classic Tag Team Championships… Introducing first, the challengers… at a combined weight of four hundred and eighty pounds… The Amazing Amarettos!
Their lovely assistant Suzie steps out through the entry-way in a rather normal, non-magical fashion, and her eyes roll back as she holds out her arms in a half-assed show of presentation. The brothers pose with absolute pomp and majesty before all three make their way down to the ring.
Moss: The Amarettos look as ready as ever.
Howley: So does Suzie…
Moss: Uh, what?
Howley: Huh? Nothin’.
The Amarettos perform all manner of magic tricks as they walk down the ramp, conjuring up all manner of cards, quarters, scarves, confetti, pigeons, and flower bouquets seemingly out of thin air.
Robbins: Introducing their opponents… at a combined weight of four hundred and eighty pounds… The Amazing Amarettos!
Carlo and Gomez climb up to the ring from opposite corners and converge at the center of the apron, where they take Suzie by either hand and delicately “levitate” her off the floor, over the ropes, and into the ring before stepping through the ropes themselves. With all three in the ring, they again pose majestically for the audience.
“New World Symphony, 4th Movement” by Antonin Dvorak begins to play. Through the curtain comes the imposing duo of Mushigihara and Leon Van Zandt.
Moss: And here come the champs!
Robbins: Making their way to the ring, accompanied by Eddie Dante… weighing in at a combined 532 pounds… your Classic Wrestling Tag Team Champions… THE FOREIGN LEGION!
Howley: These two… nay THREE, fine gentlemen making their way to the ring, have restored respect and dignity to the tag team division!
Eddie Dante steps out from the curtain behind his talent, sporting a sinister smile across his face as he soaks in the boos from the crowd. In true Foreign Legion fashion, Mushigihara and Leon break into a sprint down the ramp, sliding into the ring and begin taunting the crowd to an increased level of booing.
Moss: They sure do look ready, Thunderbird!
Filipe Chicoda checks in with both teams, collects the belts from the champions, hands them off outside the ring, and calls for the bell.
DING! DING! DING!
Leon Van Zandt agrees to take the lead for his team, as does Gomez for his. The two eye each other, as their respective partners take to the apron. It only takes a couple of circles around the ring before they both lunge forward and hook up into a grapple.
Moss: Looks like Leon and Gomez are kicking off the action!
The two competitors lock up and jockey for leverage. LVZ quickly snaps Gomez into a side headlock.
Moss: Leon pulls a quick one on Gomez, but the Amaretto pushes Van Zandt off into the ropes! Leon bounces back, looking for a clothesline, but Gomez ducks just in time!
Howley: Are we sure that wasn’t a trick? I swear it looked like Leon ran straight through Gomez!
LVZ bounces off the opposing ropes and leaps back.
Howley: OH MY, he didn’t miss that time, Moss-man!
Moss: He sure didn’t! Leon Van Zandt just sent Gomez Amaretto to the mat and then some with that shoulder block!
LVZ waves off the boos from the crowd and grabs Gomez by the slicked, black hair on his head, lifting him up to his feet.
Moss: OH MY! An elbow to the back of the head sends Gomez Amaretto back down, face first, onto the mat!
LVZ grabs a handful of black hair with his left hand and pulls Gomez back up…
Moss: ANOTHER ELBOW TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD!
Howley: THIS. IS. WRESTLING!
LVZ lifts Gomez back to his feet, once again, by the hair on his head. He immediately grabs onto Gomez’s hands and whips the challenger into Foreign Legion’s corner.
Moss: Van Zandt quickly runs after Gomez, who just landed in the Legion’s corner, looking for a corner body splash!
Howley: OH MY! Gomez just pulled his elbow up like it was a rabbit out of a top hat! I don’t like that!
Moss: Yeah that elbow to the face of Leon Van Zandt might’ve just turned the tides of this match!
Just as Gomez Amaretto starts to jump out of his opponent’s corner turnbuckle, Mushigihara grabs him!
Moss: Mushigihara with quite the surprise, grabbing Gomez before he could capitalize on his successful counter!
Leon Van Zandt sees his partner holding their opponent and lines up the dropkick. He leaps impressively high into the air.
Moss: Oh no Amaretto drops down! LVZ hit Mushigahara, sending him to the floor!
Howley: Don’t look now but Eddie Dante is LIVID once again!
Outside the ring the fiery manager is swinging his cane at anything within range. Stairs, turnbuckles, and the mat all fall victim to this.
Back inside the ring, Gomez is able to tag Carlo in. Suzi outside is unimpressed. Smoking a cigarette.
Moss: Can she do that in here?
Howley: Are you going to stop her?
Moss: No!
As Leon Van Zandt gets back up to his feet, both of the Amarettos are in the ring. They run off the ropes in opposite directions, then continue to run past one another over and over as they bounce. Van Zandt is finally all the way up and when both of the Amarettos stop in front of him. Suddenly the identical twins are even more identical.
Howley: Moss, is it just me or did one of these guys just grow a mustache while running the ropes!?
Moss: Your eyes do not deceive you Thunderbird. Both men now sport the same curly mustache!
Howley: I think Van Zandt is seeing double!
Both men kick Van Zandt at the same time and then together they execute a double rocker dropper. Amarettos go to opposing turnbuckles.
Howley: What’s this going to be Moss!?
Moss: I don’t know but I’m sure it’s bound to amaze!
Both men climb to the top rope. They signal to one another, but before they can jump, Mushi is back on the apron and grabs Carlo’s (We think) ankle. On the other side of the ring Eddie Dante is up on the apron as well about to get at Gomez (allegedly). Carlo (Supposedly) cannot break free of Mushigahara’s huge grasp. Meanwhile Gomez (maybe) is batting off Eddie Dante’s cane while trying to maintain his balance.
Moss: This is breaking down! Eddie Dante can’t get involved like this! What is happening!?
Howley: The referee has his eyes on Mushigahara!
Moss: Wait… What’s….What’s Suzie dooing!?
Suzie is on the apron behind Eddie Dante. She puffs her cigarette then nonchalantly kicks Eddie Dante in the gonads from behind. He immediately falls to the floor clutching his manhood. She tosses the lit cig butt at him before getting off the apron.
On the other side of the ring. Carlo (Probably) figures he’ll take one for the team.
Howley: CRASH AND BURN!
Moss: Carlo….or Gomez… just fell onto Mushigahara!
Both men crash off the ring apron and to the concrete floor below hard! The fans in the arena all stand up with their hands on their head expecting the worst. Both men quickly show signs of life and a collective breath is let out of the studio.
The other Amaretto still on the turnbuckle dives at LVZ in the middle of the ring and nails it.
Moss: THE AMAZING ATOM SMASHER! Car…Go….He’s got the cover!
The referee slides into position. He checks the shoulders, he reaches up and tugs on the mustache of the Amaretto. It comes off with his tug.
Moss: It’s CARLO!
Howley: He’s the legal man!
ONE
TWO
THREE!
Moss: THEY DID IT!
The bell rings and our guy let’s everyone know what’s what!
Robbins: YOUR WINNERS AND NEWWWWWWWWWW CLASSIC WRESTLING TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!…. THE AMAZING AMARETTOS!
Gomez rolls back in the ring, obviously a little worse for wear for his fall. He is handed the championship by the official and his eyes light up. His brother, still on his knees, also accepts his new achievement. They embrace in the ring in a hug before turning and bowing to the crowd in a showman fashion. Suzie stands outside the ring and puts them on display. She even cracks a small smile when she does.
Moss: Folks we’re out of time! The Amazing Amarettos pull of the AMAZING and become the brand new Tag Team Champions!
Howley: If there’s one thing that’s hard to do in Classic Wrestling, It’s DEFEND a championship, we’ve seen a lot of title changes recently and that just speaks to the level of competition in Classic Wrestling!
Moss: How will our REAL Worlds Champion, Vito Valentino fare when his Championship is on the line? Catch us next time on RBTV to find out as he takes on Bradlee Nelson for the Title! For Thunderbird Howley, I’m Patrick Moss, and this is Classic Wrestling on RBTV! Good Night!