“Surprise! You’re Dead” by Faith No More blares through the PA, prompting Gnash to come barreling through the curtain and ricocheting like a pinball off the guardrails as he makes his way to the ring as Haul follows close behind stoically walking with his hooded robe pulled over his eyes as his brother continues to rattle the railings and threaten the crowd.
The Classic fans boo loudly at the team.
Robbins: Ladies and Gentlemen it is now time for our MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING!
Finally after getting the desired amount of attention from the audience, Gnash rolls into the ring as his brother climbs the steps and walks calmly up to their corner on the apron as Gnash hits the ropes in the ring, running them like a madman before finally stopping and shaking the ropes in his corner.
Robbins: Coming to the ring first, at a total combined weight of 495 Lbs… The team of HAUL AND GNASH…. This is THE REPOSSESSED!
Moss: Here we go Thunderbird! Winner goes on to face the Amazing Amarettos at for the TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS at CLASSICMANIA!
Thunderbird: Big time ramifications but the story tonight is… WHERE IS SCOTT HUNTER!? He’s not been seen and it’s gametime!
Moss: You don’t think the Amarettos…you know? ….Disappeared him?
As Faith No More fades out, we expect to hear the opening strings of Stranglehold. Instead we hear a scuffle backstage. A loud boom of something falling leaves Otto Price jumping in shock. He waves the cameraman to follow him before they head through the curtain. Where we see King Kong Frank… or rather… the backside of King Kong Frank!
Moss: Is that…
Howley: Country cheeks?
Moss: No no! Behind that…
Frank is bent over because he’s dragging someone towards the curtain. The person is holding onto everything they pass, trying to resist as much as they can. We hear a woman scream somewhere in the background…Frank keeps pulling.
As they come through the curtain and the camera backs back out into the studio the fans get very loud and excited. NOW “Stranglehold” by Ted Nugent hits and Frank would normally be swinging his chain… instead…
The belly of “Beautiful” Bobby Dean slides across the linoleum floor with a loud noise.
Moss: He’s got Bobby Dean!
Howley: I guess Frank decided to get his own tag team partner.
We hear another woman’s scream but this time we realize it was coming from Dean all along.
Bobby Dean: I ALREADY HAD A MATCH! NO! NO! NO! ANYTHING BUT THIS!
Frank now turns toward the ring and continues to drag Bobby Dean, the difference he begins to point and make faces at his opponents this time. His Premier American Championship rests around his waist.
Moss: Bobby seems a bit “reluctant”.
Howley: What makes you say that!?
Bobby Dean: SOMEBODY HELP ME!
Frank pulls Bobby up and rolls him into the ring, before he starts stomping around recklessly. The fans can’t get enough!
Robbins: And their opponents! Weighing in at a total combined weight of…A LOT! “BEAUTIFUL” BOBBY DEAN and PREMIER AMERICAN CHAMPION, KING KONG FRANK!
Frank lets the chain fly and REPOSSESSED get out of harm’s way. Cheering from the bleachers is near deafening.
Once he puts the chain down, he pushes Bobby Dean into the corner and tells him to STAY!
Moss: He’s not a dog!
Howley: By what measure?
Moss: Would you stop!
Before Frank can turn around Haul is on him with an attack from behind.
DING DING DING!
Haul swings away now sans robe. Frank slowly turns to face his opponent through the onslaught. Haul is able to gain the advantage with the cheap shots and takes control early. He sends Frank off the ropes and is able to deliver a knee to his gut that sends him flipping onto his back. Haul looks out at the crowd with excitement. He lifts Frank to a seated position and locks in a rear chin lock. He begins to preach towards King Kong Frank in his own babel.
Moss: What do you think he’s telling him?
Howley: I think he’s trying to educate the man!
Franks leg starts bopping up and down. Bobby Deans head does the same in the corner as he looks on terrified. Soon Franks leg moves faster and the fans come alive. They start slow clapping for the Appalachian big man and by the time they speed up he’s powered up to a knee. Shaking his head violently, Haul looks for Gnash but is unable to reach for the tag without releasing the hold. Frank keeps powering up and and before long he pulls away from Haul and starts launching some wild lariats. The second takes Haul down, as does the third, and the fourth. Haul now falls into his own corner where he’s able to tag Gnash. Gnash sneers before wiping the spit off his lips and chin. He steps through the ropes and Frank welcomes him into the ring by backing up and letting him in.
Howley: Oh here we go! THIS is what I’ve been waiting on! Nothing better than when two big, ugly, and less than sharp guys get to swinging on each other!
Gnash steps eagerly through the ropes and two size each other up. Neither man wants a lock up instead both come in with punches. They are tossing them at the same time. Both connecting flush. Many of the fans are on their feet for the festivities. Eventually both men slow down and both start wobbling on spaghetti legs. Before long they both are punch drunk, but Gnash lets out a headbutt out of nowhere and both men go down like a ton of bricks.
Howley: YES! THAT WAS AMAZING!
The referee is as shocked as everyone and slowly begins a count. Haul calls for Gnash to tag him in. Crawling along the mat Gnash makes his way back over slowly. Frank pulls himself towards Bobby one time. Bobby Deans eyes go wide. King Kong Frank crawls a little faster. Now Dean shakes his head wildly. Gnash makes the tag! Bobby Dean SCREAMS!
King Kong Frank makes the tag!
Haul comes screaming into the corner as Bobby Dean falls through the ropes into the ring. He trips Haul accidentally and he hits the second turnbuckle face first. Bobby Dean goes to get up but falls backwards. Once again unaware hes squished his opponent. Bobby takes a couple breaths and comes out of the corner looking for his opponent.
Howley: He really doesn’t know?
Haul falls out of the corner. Bobby sees him and scrambles for the cover.
Haul gets his shoulder up. Bobby looks for the Tag right away but Franks is still holding his head and doesn’t see it. Bobby Dean picks up Haul and hooks him for a suplex. He lifts but Haul wraps a leg. Dean lifts again but it’s no use. Haul pulls himself out of the grip and lights up Dean with a forearm. Bobby Dean goes for the tag!
Moss: Wrong corner!
Gnash headbutts Bobby Dean for good measure. Bobby holds his head, turns and falls over in the middle of the ring. Haul jumps and drops a knee across the neck of Bobby. The referee gets hot and bothered while Dean gasps for air. Haul pulls Bobby back up (slowly) and goes to irish whip him. Dean reverses and hits a clothesline on the return. Bobby falls to his knees as well but is able to crawl over to Frank.
Howley: He gets the tag!
Frank comes tumbling in, Hussin and bussin like usual. Here comes Gnash from his corner illegally! Frank drops him with a huge right hand. Here comes Haul! Frank drops him with a huge left! Here comes Bobby Dean! Frank drops him with another right hand!
Howley: Accident I’m sure!
Frank starts marching around the ring. Oblivious to what’s happening around him. SHouting at the fans. The referee is rolling Bobby Deans lifeless body out of the ring. Frank shouts one last HUSS and turns around.
Moss: GNASH HAS THE CHAIN! HE LEVELS KING KONG FRANK WITH IT!
Gnash sprawls out and rolls out with the chain. On the other side of the ring Bobby Dean is pushed out with a splat. Haul meanwhile is able to get over to Frank for the cover.
DING DING DING!
Robbins: The Winners of this match and NUMBER ONE CONTENDERS for the CLASSIC TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS! REPOSSESSED!
Moss: Not the way we wanted it to go down, but we have our winners nonetheless! The team of Haul and Gnash go onto CLASSICMANIA to face The Amazing Amarettos for Tag Team Gold!
Haul starts to solemnly celebrate as Ghash rolls back into the ring and jumps up and down violently.
Howley: What an unorthodox matchup that’s going to be! Magic vs The Scrapyard! Psychology vs Pyrotechnics! The Aussies vs SUZIE!
Moss: Shut up partner I’m trying to finish! Make sure you tune in in just two weeks folks for CLASSICMANIA! It’s going to be the biggest Classic show yet! We’ll be LIVE in tropical Detroit, Michigan! Call your local TicketBlaster for seats, or if you’re not in the area, call your cable provider for the PAY PER VIEW! That’s going to wrap it up for us tonight here on Classic Wrestling on RBTV! I’m Patrick Moss, for Joel “Thunderbird” Howley have a good night everyone!