That sound rings out again. The Japanese National Anthem starts up while Yama still stares a hole through “Big” Joe.
Joe steps back, flustered by the start of the music.
Geoue: Uh… it seems your music is already starting.
Yama: You’re damn right it is. Didn’t you hear what I said? No matter what they chant, I’m the Premier American Champion, and Frank is entering my world. He’s going to have to feel it too.
Yama pushes past the interviewer. Hissing at “Big Joe” on his way, Lincoln follows.
The camera then cuts to the ringside area, with the Japanese National Anthem still playing. Between their interview, and the entrance, Sensei Abe Lincoln has moved in front of his monster. He steps out onto the stage, waving the Japanese flag to a chorus of boos. It doesn’t take long for those boos to then fade into something else.
“U-S-A! U-S-A!” the crowd chants.
Lincoln rolls his eyes, and continues to wave the flag.
Behind him, Shujin Yama appears. He stops in the entranceway, standing in front of Lincoln, in the same bland robe he wore before. Taking a break from his flag-waving, Lincoln moves in behind Yama and unhooks the robe from his shoulders. He tosses it, casually, to the side.
Underneath, another robe is revealed. Dressed in cherry blossoms and kanji symbols, the robe is more decadent than anything that Yama had worn previously. In addition, a large, rising sun is painted across his back.
Lincoln waves the flag, furiously.
They march down to the ring.
“U-S-A! U-S-A!” the crowd continues to chant. While Sensei laughs and taunts them, the Premier American Champion ignores the noise, focusing solely on the ring. WHen they get there, Sensei Lincoln walks up the steps and holds the middle rope down for Yama to step through. He bows in the centre of the ring, as Sensei Lincoln unhooks the luxurious new robe. Once freed, Yama raises his left leg and drops into a dramatic sumo pose while shouting something incomprehensible to both English- and Japanese-speaking audiences.
The words may not have been understandable, but the sentiment still is.
This is the Nation of Yama.
And he doesn’t mean for that to change.
Cue-up: “Stranglehold” by Ted Nugent.
The CLASSIC fans in attendance collectively lose their minds. Inside the ring Sensei Lincoln does his level best to cover Yama’s ears and protect the Champion from the righteous indignation of The Nuge. The song shreds on.
Moss: Here we go, Thunderbird! Frank vs Yama! Flag vs Flag!
Howley: And the Premier American Championship is ON THE LINE!
A moment passes.
The music plays on, but there is no King Kong Frank. Back inside the ring Sensei Lincoln gets wise and he lets go of Yama’s ears only to start pointing down the aisle way and cackling. The champ allows a smirk to replace the stoic stare that he’s known for, but only for a moment. The word “coward” is bandied about somewhat loosely.
Moss: What’s going on? Where’s Frank?
Howley: You don’t think he’d wuss-out, do ya Moss?
Moss: Are you being serious right now?
The music dies down and the air is seemingly sucked out of the room. Another moment passes before Sensei Lincoln begins to declare Yama the winner by forfeit.
The voice is loud, commanding, and authoritative all at the same time.
“Before you two INGRATES get yer britches all bunched up an’ start countin’ yer chickens before they hatch, maybe you wanna PAY ATTENTION!”
Howley: WHAT IS UNCLE SAM DOING IN THE CLASSIC ZONE?
Moss: Are you okay, T-bird?
The attention of everyone in attendance switches to the fully suited and booted Uncle Sam. Let us not forget the tufts of white hair sticking out from beneath the red, white, and blue tophat that sets it all off.
Uncle Sam: Week in and week out I’ve heard you two runnin’ yer mealy little mouths about this country, and week in and week out King Kong Frank has been there to SHUT YOU UP!
That gets a rise out of the crowd.
Uncle Sam: But tonight, there ain’t gonna be no King Kong Frank…
Howley: Here it comes, Moss! The EXCUSE!
Moss: Will you stop?
Uncle Sam: Tonight…
The lights in the Taft Coliseum go dead.
Uncle Sam: Challengin’ for the Premier AMERICAN Championship…
Everything goes red, white, and blue.
“Livin’ in America” erupts into the room. It’s the Godfather of Soul at his forehead-sweating best. Strobing lights and billowing smoke cascade up the entrance where they’re met with the silhouette of a hulking monster of an overall-clad man.
Uncle Sam: CAP’N! FRANK! ‘MERICA!
Magnesium explodes all around him. He stands there in the pyrotechnic blast and lets loose a blood-curdling battle cry that CLASSIC fans know and love.
CFA: HOOOO-AHH! HUSS! HUSS!
Frank takes off toward the ring like a shot, his eyes filled with patriotism and murder, and locked onto Shujin Yama like the continued prosperity of Western Civilisation depends on the outcome of this very championship wrestling match!
Howley: Did he say Cap’n Frank ‘Merica?
Moss: He did, Thunderbird. He did indeed.
Frank’s face is covered in so much red, white, and blue greasepaint that it’s already crusted into his wiry beard. He is the tri-colored and terrifying boogie-man of your worst nightmare, and Sensei Abraham Lincoln is out of the ring faster than a man of his age has any right to move.
Frank approaches, grabs the top rope, and pulls himself up onto the apron with one mighty step. With another he is over the top rope and inside the ring. Grabbing the American Flag posted in the near turnbuckle, Frank starts marching around the ring like a madman, hooting and hollering and waving the flag. The champion is unphased, holding his ground at the center of the ring.
Frank leads the crowd in a chant that he knows will get under Yama’s skin.
The bell is rung and the crowd boils with anticipation as the two behemoths stomp towards each other with confidence. Frank and Yama get up close and personal as they go chest to chest, jaw jacking the man in front of them. The crowd is in a virtual frenzy, wanting to see someone get smashed and finally erupt when Yama lashes out with a mighty shove!
Moss: Yama’s no stranger to throwing his weight around, being a former sumo!
Howley: Did you just call the champ fat, Moss?
Frank comes right back at him, heaving himself at the former rikishi as he plants a heavy forearm into his shoulder and neck! Yama returns fire with one of his own and then grabs a lockup. The two man sized bulls wrestle for control, pushing and pulling each other around the ring like some grotesque human abomination that the referee has to avoid being steamrolled.
Moss: Do I really have to explain to you how commentary works? They do wrestle-things, we describe them. Not everything is a joke, Thunderbird.
Howley: Yeesh! Fine! But if you don’t get the bees outta yer bonnet there, Moss, I’m gonna have to take you out back after the show an’ tune ya up real good! You understand me, kid?
Moss: My lawyer will eat your children.
Yama breaks and slaps his frying pan sized hand across Frank’s jaw, the sound making a loud cracking sound that echoes throughout the building. Not to be outdone, Frank returns fire with one of his boulder sized fists across the side of Yama’s head! The two behemoths stare at each other for a very tense moment before both open fire wildly with the hardest shots they can throw!
Moss: Now, can we get back to the job?
Howley: LOOK AT ‘EM THROWIN’ BOMBS, MOSS!
After a few volleys, Frank’s big ol’ ham hocks start to wobble Yama, much to the fans’ enjoyment who chant “USA! USA! USA!” louder and louder with every blow Frank lands on the former rikishi’s skull. Meanwhile, out on the floor, Sensei Abe Lincoln is beside himself as he watches his man get blasted over and over! Frank hammers away, driving Yama back towards the ropes.
Moss: I don’t think we’ve ever seen anybody push Yama back!
Howley: Whether you call him King Kong or Cap’n Frank or anything else, one thing I can guarantee you is that man is out of his ever-lovin’ gourd! The thought that he shouldn’t mix it up physically with Yama has never and will never enter Frank’s mind!
Moss: Fair enough.
Frank clocks Yama a couple more times before shooting him across the ring and bouncing himself off the ropes for some added momentum. Yama ducks a wild clothesline attempt, causing them to pass each other by. On the next rebound, the two monsters collide in the center of the ring with a massive thump! The fans ooh and aah as the two giants roar at each other.
Moss: What an impact!
Howley: You ain’t kidding, a lesser man would be on a stretcher if they were on the receiving end from either of these two big bulls!
Frank dares Yama to hit him again, demanding he make it a “good ‘un” and Yama does. Cracking him with a sumo style slap before hitting the ropes and crashing all of his mass into Cap’n Frank! The blow makes KKF take a step back, but only a step before he lurches forward and smacks Yama with a big ol’ fist to the head and then hits the ropes so as to launch himself at Yama with a big shoulder of his own.
Moss: It’s like two cars in a head-on collision!
Howley: Something tells me if either of these two ran into a car, the car would lose!
Yama gets knocked back a couple steps and goes with it, hitting the ropes again and on the rebound, hurls himself at Frank. Only this time, Frank puts the boot up and ROCKS Yama, whose face gets kicked by KKF’s caveman looking foot, right to his fat mush! The fans erupt with cheers as Yama reels back from the blow and Frank follows up with a couple more big brick-like hands to the head.
Howley: Ugh, gross! Can you imagine where or what those feet have stepped in?
Moss: Yama is certainly uniquely qualified to answer that question now, but he’s got bigger things to worry about!
Frank charges back across the ring, but right as he hits the ropes, Sensei Abraham Lincoln quickly and desperately hooks Frank by the foot! This causes KKF to stop and turn to holler at Yama’s manager as the fans boo the interference. Meanwhile, Yama, seeing his chance, gets his blubbery mass moving and blindsides Cap’n Frank from behind with a body blow!
Moss: Come on! Sensei Abraham Lincoln, once again, sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong!
Howley: It worked though, Moss! Now Yama has a chance to do some damage here!
Yama quickly takes advantage and is all over Frank with pounding blows to the back of his broad shoulders with his own meaty forearms being used as clubs. Out on the floor, Sensei Abe is ecstatic with how the tables have turned as he smugly ignores the derisive comments from the fans at ringside. Yama continues to hammer away, driving Frank towards the ropes before dumping him out to the floor.
Moss: Alright, Frank needs to regroup here.
Howley: I don’t think so, Moss! Yama’s hot on the case, like Frank’s a fresh pot of chanko!
Moss: What do you know about Chanko?
Howley: I googled “what do sumo wrestlers eat.” I can give you a top ten recipes, where’s my phone…
Moss: Later, because here comes Yama!
Following him outside, Yama keeps clobbering Frank with kicks and stomps before yanking on his hair and then bouncing his skull off the side of the ring! Once, twice, but not thrice, because Frank puts his hands out to block and then sends an elbow into Yama’s ribs! Then a second and third blow to the massive sumo’s bulky midsection, each one drawing out a cheer from the fans.
Moss: Boy, Yama’s ribs are going to be sore in the morning!
Howley: Are we sure he can even feel that with all that… mass?
Frank grabs a fistful of hair and points at the post, which gets a cheer before he aims to slam Yama’s head off of it! BUT NO! Yama slips free and he shoves Frank face first into the unforgiving steel! KKF drops to the floor holding his head, which is now rattled for sure while an angry Yama proceeds to kick and stomp away at his ribs and back, each blow hitting with a thump.
Moss: Just when you think big Frank was turning the tide!
Howley: I’m sure it’s fine, Moss, I think we can all agree that that post ranks about 107th on the list of the hardest things King Kong Frank has had his skull bounced off of.
Sensei Abe shouts to his man, pointing at the flag in Frank’s corner and directs him to go get it. Yama nods before adding one more kick-stomp and leaves Frank on the floor and then climbs into the ring. However, Yama is huge and bulky, thus slower than molasses as he plods his way into the corner to capture the American flag. All the while, the fans boo and yell and beg for Frank to get up and stop this!
Moss: You might think these two haven’t taken a lot of damage, but when you’re dealing with men the size and strength of Shujin Yama and King Kong Frank, their ability to dish it out is magnified compared to most wrestlers.
Howley: Yeah, plus, it’s fun watching these two goliaths blast away at each other.
Yama takes hold of the ropes and looks up, realizing he’s going to have to climb to capture the ‘enemy’ flag and he does, carefully, slowly. The fans in near that corner boo every labored step, while over by the opposite corner the fans holler for Frank to keep fighting as he drags himself off the floor and looks into the ring; and that’s just what he does.
Moss: With how slow he’s moving, I’m guessing right about now that Yama is regretting having agreed to this kind of match.
Howley: No kidding. A man the size of Shujin Yama isn’t meant to be climbing up the ropes like some sort of luchador.
Pulling himself into the ring, Frank grunts in pain as he rubs the lump on his head where he smashed into the ring post. Across the ring, Yama, now on the middle rope, is being yelled at by Sensei Abe to “HURRY!”. He does not hurry, he looks back and sees Frank, who is hotter than a two dollar pistol as he stomps his way over to put a stop to what he’s up to.
Moss: Here comes big ol’ Frank!
Howley: And look, Yama has got himself caught in quite a pickle here!
Much like a deer caught in the headlights of oncoming traffic, Yama finds himself unsure of what he should do. Out on the floor, Sensei Abe is frantic as he rushes around the ring, yelling in panicked gibberish as Frank reaches Yama and grabs on to the back of his waistline. Yama tries to swat at him, but Frank ignores that and slams his caveman club-like arms across his spine!
Moss: Good grief, what an impact!
Howley: It’s like Frank just hit him with a baseball bat!
Yama manages to kick him off and turn himself around on the turnbuckles, but Frank is right back and clobbers him with a double sledge. Then grabs on to his hair and proceeds to bust his knuckles all over Yama’s forehead! Each blow being cheered louder than the last by the fans. After several hard shots, Frank lets go and roars to the crowd as he motions with arms that he’s going to toss him!
Howley: Are we sure the ring can take this, Moss?
Moss: Well, we’re about to find out!
Pulling at Yama, Frank positions himself as he readies to launch the more than four hundred and sixty pounds of bulk off the ropes. Right at the moment he’s about to do just that, Sensei Abe once again hooks his foot and yanks as hard as he can. It puts KKF off balance just enough that he wobbles at the worst possible time and falls with all of Yama’s considerable bulk on top of him with a horrible crash!
Howley: Oh man, Frank’s ribs have to be broken, Moss!
Moss: They might just be after having all of Yama’s nearly five hundred pounds land on them like that! And look at that snake, Sensei Abraham Lincoln!
Howley: He’s definitely got impeccable timing. Sucks for big ol’ Frank, but it’s looking pretty good for Yama!
The fans erupt with jeers as Sensei Abe cackles at the effectiveness of his handiwork. Some of the fans nearby even throw garbage at him! Meanwhile, Yama rolls off of Frank, who can’t help but to clutch at his now crushed ribs. Looking up Yama takes sight of the Hinomaru (aka the Japanese flag) and with it, can see victory in sight as he sluggishly pulls himself up and goes to the corner.
Moss: And Yama is looking to bring an end to this. A shame that he’s going to win like this thanks to that, that…
Howley: You may not like it, Moss, but Sensei Abe has certainly done a great job for his man.
Moss: Wait, what is he doing?
Howley: Looks like he’s not done seeing Yama punish Frank.
Gripping the top rope, Yama begins to climb yet again; but this time, Sensei Abe calls out to him and points at Frank before telling him “CRUSH HIM!! CRUSH THAT AMERICAN DOG!!” Yama nods and steps back before pulling Frank into position and then climbs up. Looking down, he finds his target and then, once again, brings all of his weight down on Frank’s chest!
Howley: He got all of that Banzai Drop, Moss!
Moss: And what was the point? He could just win the match!
Yama stands back up and raises his arms in victory as he takes in the fans chorus of hate. Out on the floor, Sensei Abe revels in the boos and threats the fans hurl at him and his man. After a moment, Yama begins to climb once again, this time looking to end it; but again, Sensei Abe calls for “one more”. Yama obliges and sets himself once again before dropping…
Howley: This is it, King Kong is about to get squashed like a grape by Godzilla!
Moss: Oh, come on! This is completely unnecessary!
…and then suddenly…
…FRANK ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY!…
…YAMA CRASH LANDS ON THE MAT…
…AND THE CROWD GOES BANANA!
Howley: Good, gawd! Yama just left a Yama-sized crater in the corner!
Moss: And look at Sensei Abe, he’s beside himself!
Down on the mat, Yama is nearly paralyzed in pain as his spine took the brunt of that disastrous impact all on his gargantuan hind-end; yet, despite this, still tries to get back up like some unkillable movie monster. However, Frank is already up and charges at Yama, colliding with him and driving him towards the ropes and out of the ring!
Moss: This is it, this is Frank’s big chance!
Howley: Yeah, but can he climb? He’s taken a heckuva beating!
Frank turns towards the corner where ‘Old Glory’ awaits him and points, which elicits a big cheer. Stomping his way across the ring, Frank is met by Sensei Abe, who has rushed back around the ring and got up onto the apron; where Abe proceeds to berate Frank!
Howley: Is he crazy?!
Moss: Foolish is more like it!
Indeed. Frank quickly tired of Abe sassing him before grabbing him by the collar and cocking a fist. Frank looks around the arena, as if asking for approval. Which is, of course, given a resounding cheer of approval.
Moss: Look at him beg after all he’s done! I’m not saying Frank should do it, but…
Howley: I don’t think these fans share your compassion for the helpless, Moss!
And neither does Frank, who just completely mollywhops Sensei Abraham Lincoln with one big, right hand that drops him like a sack of bricks to a thunderous ovation! Abe flops onto the apron and then plops like a stain on the floor.
Howley: I think Sensei Abe is going to be feeling that one for a long time!
Moss: He sure is and it couldn’t have happened to a better guy!
Frank grips the top rope and plants a foot on the second and then lurches up to a standing position. He tries to reach for the flag from there, but realizes he needs to go all the way up. Using the flagpole to steady himself, he gingerly climbs. Out on the floor, Yama has gotten himself up just in time to see Frank take not just the Stars and Bars in his hand, or the victory, but his Premier Americas title too!
Moss: He did it! Frank had to survive a two on one advantage, but he did it!
Howley: And these fans are going nuts, Moss!
Robbins: Here is your winner… and NEEEWWWWW PREMIER AMERICAS CHAMPION!
The crowd erupts into a chorus of “USA!” chants as “Stranglehold” by Ted Nugent burns up the airwaves.
Robbins: KIINNNNGGG KOONNNNNGGG FRRRAAAANNNK!
Frank erupts just as much. Marching around the ring, holding up his brand new championship. He reaches a turnbuckle and raises it high into the air and the fans get even louder. He marches in circles hitting his signature phrase.
On the outside of the ring Yama slaps the mat in frustration. He’s eager to get back in there when Frank has his back turned, but thinks better of it. Reluctantly he starts walking back down the aisleway looking back at KKF in disgust.
Moss: We’ve got a new Premier American Champion and I don’t know what to think!
Howley: He’s as American as apple pie Moss!
Moss: Apple pie moonshine maybe! Nonetheless we’ve got a brand new champion and he’s earned every bit of it! A Classic Wrestling original, Frank has been fighting for what’s right since he got here and today he stands tall!