“Life in the Fast Lane” by the Eagles hits and the audience E-X-P-L-O-D-E-S!
Howley: Oh my God! That HAS to be one the biggest reactions I’ve heard here on Classic TV. Can’t ignore that one.
Moss: Yeah. I’m… what did you say? Seriously. This is ridiculous in all the right ways. Hahaha
But Vito? Oh man. He has a look behind his eyes that could put him on death row of looks could kill. His foul mood has been exacerbated by the bandage on his head that’s facilitated by medical tape. A gift from Shujin Yama at Classic Wrestling TV: Episode 17.
Howley: Why does Vito look like he wants to punt the cutest animal that pops up first in your mind?!
Moss: Possum. I don’t know why but that’s the first thing that popped into my mind there.
Howley: Are you serious? Do you realize how ugly and otherworldly those things look?
Moss: They’re just misunderstood and cute in their own way.
Howley: Like me!
Moss: Anyway. Vito does look pretty upset. And if anyone has forgotten why that might be? All they need to do is turn to the events that unfolded at Episode 17. Shujin Yama, the former Premier American Champion, as of Capital Clash, staked a claim, and perhaps a rightful one, at Vito’s Real World’s Championship. But he did it in a way that left Vito bloodied and on the floor.
Howley: Yeah, it was GREAT! Especially the part where Yama grabbed the Real World’s Championship and held it in the air! Take that METRO!!
With body language and facial expressions indicative of someone on the warpath, Vito makes a beeline for the ring as this show barely opens in earnest.
With a mic tucked into the waist band of his black Lucky Brand jeans, he pulls it out and… well, you might know what’s coming.
Vito Valentino: SHUUUUUUUUJIIIIIIIN!!!! YAAAAAAMAAA!!! Get your oversized ASS out of here right now!! ‘Cause we gonna do this my way. You crossed a line that ought not to be crossed last week, bub! You attacked me like a damn COWARD.
Metro turns to the camera real quick.
Vito Valentino: To all the parents out there watching with their youngins? I’mma apologize in advance ‘cause this baby’s gonna have some course language that might not be suitable for all ages. And it’s not comin’ from the heart of a role model. It’s comin’ from the heart of one pissed off Italian New Yorker.
The crowd pops for this.
Vito Valentino: And I hafta say, things might get a little violent tonight. So put my METROpolitan Kids to bed and spare them the brutal images you’re all about to see. Know what I mean?
Again, the audience lauds their hero with applause and hooping and hollering for wanting revenge on the evil Shujin Yama. A confrontation everyone has been waiting for since Episode One.
Vito Valentino: So I’m gonna say it again. One last time before I come back there and go lookin’ for your diaper wearin’, no good crusty friggin’ ASS!! COME ON YAMA!! COME GET YOUR RECEIPT YOU SON OF A B—H!!!
Despite Vito’s warning of the course language he was about to spit out, the crowd is 100% behind him. Identifying with a man who was attacked from behind by a giant bully, no doubt.
GONG!
The familiar sound rings out around the Classic Arena, as the Japanese National Anthem begins to play.
Howley: He’s here, Moss! This is about to get messy!
Moss: This is a powder keg waiting to explode! I have a feeling this is going to go south quick.
Out on the stage, steps Sensei Abe Lincoln, dressed in his trademark tuxedo and bowler hat. Above his head he flies the Japanese flag instantly drawing a chorus of BOOOOOOs from the Classic Fans.
But… there is no Shujin Yama.
Vito shouts down toward where Lincoln stands, still waving his flag high.
Sensei Abe Lincoln: I am here for receipts, Vito-San. But in true American way… taxes get added afterwards.
Vito Valentino: What the heck are you babbling about, Mr. Miyagi? I came here to fight! So you better get that big tub of lard out here in the next three seconds, or ol’ METRO is gonna have no choice but to take everything out on–
Vito picks up on movement before he finishes his sentence, but it’s too late. Shujin Yana railroads him from behind, bowling the Real World’s Champion over with his tremendous bulk. Vito flies across the ring, and desperately scrambles to his feet. But Yama is right there on him, unloading with a series of surprisingly quick open-hand slaps that backs the champ into the corner. Taking a few steps back, Yama then dashes forward, driving his hip right into Vito’s midsection and dropping METRO to the mat.
Moss: This is disgusting. Why would a damn 500lbs man need to attack a man he outweighs by more than 200lbs?! This is senseless! At least give the man, OUR champion, a fighting chance!!
Howley: Maybe Vito shouldn’t have run his mouth the way he did. I have every reason to believe Yama wanted to play this on the up and up.
Moss: Shut it, ‘Bird! There is NO excuse for this blatant disrespect!
With Vito turned over, Yama retreats to the corner where he begins measuring his target up for something devastating and absolutely world-ending. Lunging forward, Yama jumps for a Sumo-Sized leg drop…BUT VITO MOVES!!
“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
Yama cringes at the landing of his butt meeting canvas, jarring his massive frame from the missed leg drop attempt. Vito is up again, where he removed the Real World’s Championship from his waist and places it in the corner. Vito then seizes an opportunity to grab at Yama’s legs for his Metro Avenue Deathlock.
Moss: No way!!!
Howley: No way is he going to get Yama in that.
The fans are losing their minds as Vito spits out some trash talk. He even throws his sunglasses right into Yama’s head! Grapevining Yama’s legs with great strength, Vito goes to turn him over when…
WHAM!!! SALT TO THE EYES FROM SENSEI ABE!!
Moss: NO!!!
Howley: YES!!
Vito is blinded by the salt, and drops to his knees as he quickly tries to wipe at his eyes. Yama is slowly getting to his feet, and Vito can sense it. Just as Yama approaches Vito, he turns around and NAILS him with some blinded southpaw shots that rock the gargantuan!
“RAAAAAAAAH!”
Still trying to wipe away the salt from his eyes, he gives Yama just enough of a window to throw a savate kick that sends Vito to the mat, at this point, the security team has EMPTIED from the locker room before either man disrupts the opening to this show any further than they already have. About ten security guars enter the ring, all backing Yama up into the corner of the ring, while a few surround Vito who is trying to get up after the stiff savate kick, now bleeding from the forehead as the impact from the savate kick tore open the stitches and washed away the bandage and adhesive.
But even so, maybe the ten security guards should’ve surrounded Vito because all of a sudden he’s up and yells out to the crowd.
Vito Valentino: YOU’RE ASS IS MINE, SHOOJ!!!
With rage quickly taking over, Vito grabs a bottle of water that a security guard has with him and splashes his eyes, emptying the rest of its contents over his bald head.
Moss: This is insane!! Wait, what’s he…
Without a moment’s notice, Vito runs to the opposite turnbuckles from where Yama is being held, and then charges full speed ahead, leaping halfway there and landing on all 10 security guards and Yama with a METRO splash!!
Howley: ASSAULT!! ASSAULT!! ASSAULT!!
The fans are eating every bit of this up as the security guards, all TEN of them, fall from the impact of the METRO Splash! Yama is still in the corner though, to which Vito motions for him to come at him.
Yama looks out at the fans who at this point are all solidly screaming for their Real World’s Champion.
“METRO! METRO! METRO!”
Yama acts like he’s going to go through the ropes when Sensei Abe acts like he’s going to come up from behind and deliver a low blow. But unfortunately for Abe, he’s not aware Yama has already begun charging like Bald Bull — Mike Tyson’s Punch Out! now available on the Nintendo Entertainment System — when Vito leap frogs the massive Yama, who then PLOWS through his own manager!
“OHHHHHHH!!!”
Moss: SENSEI ABE IS LAID OUT BY SHUJIN YAMA!!! WHAT IMPACT!!!
Several replays are shown from the accidental collision that rockets Sensei Abe to the corner turnbuckle and up and over the top rope. Yama, in shock that he did that, doesn’t have time to react to Vito spinning him around, going for a BODYSLAM!!
Vito scoops him up, but Yama proves to be too heavy and Vito falls back with Yama on top of him.
“BOOOOOOOO!!”
Moss: My God, what was Vito thinking trying to bodyslam Shujin Yama!?!
Howley: Adrenaline took over and made Vito even more stupid than he already is. Now can we get some level of CONTROL?! I’d like to have a proper opening for this show already!
Moss: Wait a minute, Yama is not done!
An equally incensed Shujin Yama grabs Vito’s hand and begins dragging him to the right corner turnbuckle closest to the aisle. The fans begin to freak out as Vito seems to be prone for the Banzai Drop.
Howley: Oh Vito’s about to have the worst day of his life!
Once again, Yama grabs the Real World’s Championship from the corner he dragged Vito to and raises it into the air!
But then he places it across Vito’s chest.
Moss: Oh no! Someone stop Shujin! He’s going to crush every one of Vito’s ribs!
Howley: But most importantly, his pink and black heart!! Hahaha!!
Vito’s spider-sense must’ve taken over, though, as he takes his championship, stands up from the mat, and BASHES Shujin across the back with it sending him down hard to the apron and then to the outside!
“RAAAAAAAH!!”
Vito is screaming and yelling all sorts of trash talk at Yuma as he falls to the outside amongst the security team and a still unmoving Sensei Abe.
Raising the Real World’s Championship into the air for the fans, “Life in the Fast Lane” by the Eagles starts to play as Vito ascends to the corner turnbuckle, feeling victorious in this impromptu FIGHT.
But even with his music playing, Vito, who wipes away the blood pouring out of his forehead from the earlier savate kick, snaps his Real World’s Championship over around his waist and charges full speed ahead towards the ropes. About three feet from the ropes, Vito leaps from the ring and no-hand dives OVER the top rope onto the sea of humanity on the outside of the ring!!
“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!”
Vito stands up from the bodies, and looks ahead at Shujin Yama, who has also stood up from the bodies.
MORE security guards empty from the back and rush the scene trying to separate Shujin Yama from the bleeding Vito Valentino.
“VITO! VITO! VITO!”
Moss: I’m at a loss for words!! These guys want to tear each other apart!! Vito with some measure of revenge this week, but Yama is still up and willing to try and rip apart Vito!! These two are on a collision course for absolute destruction!!