The lights dim.
The sounds of thunder crash through the arena as the lights blare bright white in imitation of lightning. The opening riff of Motorhead’s Ace of Spades plays, but instead of going into Lemmy and the perils of gambling with dangerous men, it settles into a lock groove.
Robbins: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, making his way to the ring first. Weighing in at 350 pounds… Hailing from The Void… THIS IS LORD COLOSSUS!
Walt Whezl is the first one out from behind the curtain, done up to the nines for the pay per view, Twirling his umbrella, and capering, Huginn and Munnin come out, with large chains attached to halters, they strain as they pull a raised dais out from behind the curtain, upon which a looming, nearly seven-foot-tall monstrosity stands. Hooded in an Executioner mask, and wearing a full-body draping cloak of a black so dark, it casts no shadow, the heft and density of Lord Colossus upon the dais is giving Huginn and Muninn some trouble as they pull the behemoth towards the ring. Upon reaching the end of the walkway to the ring, the trio stops. Whereupon Lord Colossus steps down from the dais, shrinking quite a bit!
Moss: We are being led to believe that this man is nearly seven feet tall and three-hundred and fifty POUNDS. I just don’t see it!
Howley: Don’t judge a book by it’s cover Moss!
Whezl cackles evilly while unhooking Huginn and Muninn from the dais removed by ringside help. While this is going on Lord Colossus has entered the ring between the middle and top rope, his cloak dragging behind him. He has moved to his corner, throwing open his cloak revealing his girthing rotund figure. And substantial boot lifts.
Howley: I’m starting to believe you might be right for once…
Moss: For once!? Either way it’s hard to believe that is Lord Colossus!
“Jungle Work” by Warren Zevon hits the PA system and the fans boo towards the entranceway.
Steam shoots up from both sides of the entrance in an impressive display. The fans in the area move away.
Robbins: And his opponent… Weighing in at 330 Pounds, Hailing from Springfield, Missouri.. THIS IS “ALL-NATURAL” CHICK GRILLBREAST!
Chick bursts through the curtain, as his muscles try to burst his skin! He looks towards the ring, and begins flapping his jaws as soon as he thinks anyone can hear him. His pointer finger leads the way as he starts jabbing it towards his opponent. A confused glance as he sees the body shape of Colossus but it doesn’t last long.
Moss: I don’t think he cares at this point Thunderbird! Chick is here to hurt someone!
Chick slides into the ring and the referee has to get in between the two big men. Grillbreast flexes towards LC and yells as his muscles and veins bulge. After turning red, frothing at the mouth, and having a need to generally breathe, Chick moves to his corner.
The bell rings and Felipe Chicoda moves out of the way. They both move towards the center of the ring, and they lock up.
Moss: Very traditional start between these two!
Chick half turns and tosses the chubby man across the ring. He skids before coming to a stop.
Howley: He stole that move from me! Did you see that?
Moss: You mean how he picked up a man much heavier than he and tossed him like a child?
Howley: Well when you say it like THAT…
Chick follows up by picking the man back up to his feet and whipping him off the ropes. When he comes back Grillbreast nearly clotheslines his head off. Grillbreast grabs one of his legs and that’s when he gets a good look at the boots.
Moss: Oh no.
Howley: Moss please tell me he’s not wearing…
Moss: Platform boots. They have to be four inch boosters!
Grillbreast wraps the leg around his own and begins to pull on it. The big man yells out and tries to reach for the ropes but isn’t close enough. When Grillbreast has him where he wants him, he flexes his quads to apply extra pressure. Felipe gets in position to ask if the big man wants to submit but he just keeps yelling towards Walt Whezl.
Huginn and Muninn jump up on the apron, but Chick breaks the hold and double clotheslines the duo. They fall back to the floor simultaneously.
Howley: Like a couple of bowling pins.
Felipe chastises both men from the ring. Before Chick can turn around he’s clubbed in the back by his opponent. Colossus adjusts his hood and continues an assault on the All Natural athlete. He picks up and body slams Chick, He moves to the corner, takes two steps out and drops a falling headbutt against Chick.
Both men reach for their respective noggins. Colossus is up first and grabs an arm wrench. He spins underneath it to apply more pressure. Pointing to his hood to signify how smart he is, he isn’t looking at Chicks face. If he were, he’d see that he’s having no affect on him whatsoever. Chick looks bored in fact. Chick untwists his arm which in turn flips over Lord Colossus.
Moss: Apparently what headbutts are to samoan wrestlers, armbars are to Chick! The move barely affecting him.
Howley: I’d say it only ticked him off more!
Grillbreast picks up the behemoth of girth but LC breaks it on the way up and lands a huge right. Lord Colossus reaches out and grabs Chick Grillbreast by the neck.
Moss: He’s going for the chokeslam!
Howley: Bold strategy Moss!
Chick slaps his hand down, boots him in the gut and hooks him for a gutwrench suplex.
Howley: Pfft… He can’t do it. He WON’T do it.
Moss: He’s going to give it a shot!
Grillbreast takes a deep breath and pulls with everything he’s got. He picks up the 400 plus pounder and slams him down on his back.
Howley: HOW DID HE…
Moss: Very impressive display of strength! I can’t believe he was able to do that so easily… Might have a man like you a little jealous!
Howley: JEALOUS!? I’m not jealous!
Moss: You’re literally lifting a free weight right now!
Howley: AM NOT!
Moss: Lord Colossus gets back up off the ground. Chicks got him in his sights!
Grillbreast spins and rocks Lord Colossus in the back of the head with a Lariat.
Moss: SHAKER CUP! That’s gotta be it!
Grillbreast goes for the cover.
The bell rings and Chick moves off of LC. “Jungle Work” starts up on the PA system once again. Grillbreast flexes over his opponent until his body starts turning red and shaking once more.
Robbins: Ladies and Gentlemen your winner by pinfall… CHICK GRILLBREAST!
Moss: Big win at the biggest show of them all for Chick Grillbreast! One that might leave us with more questions than answers.
Howley: I need to call my nutritionist.
The Bolts wait for Chick to leave the ring before they hop in to help up Lord Colossus