#Let it Rock#
The house lights flicker as Bon Jovi plays throughout the venue. The slow build of the guitar riff primes the crowd for the appearance of their hero in spandex!
At the song’s apex, Harry Chest walks out on stage sporting his flashy smile and signature heroically caped attire.
He marches to the ring and misses most hand slaps with the fans. His hair is gelled back and his chest is pushed out with pride.
A tuft of iconic chest hair protrudes from the top of his combat suit collar. The word ‘CHEST’ runs across his pectorals in fuzzy felt lettering. Harry Chest ascends into the ring where his demeanor changes to a serious one as he waits for his partner.
Flash Gordon starts on the PA as smoke bellows on the stage. A spotlight zeroes in on the center of the stage where Dash is knelt down. In time with the music, he stands up and puts his hands in the air. His trusty robot companion, Hello World, wheels behind him as Dash slaps hands with some fans as he makes his way to the ring. He rolls into the ring and does a very exaggerated point and shouts “THE FUTURE!”. Both men shake hands.
Moss: The last time these two teamed up they scored a draw with the Surf Express Bro team, and Dash Dackson was very visibly upset with the results!
Howley: It’s almost like the sanctity of the entire space-time continuum is at stake!
Moss: Do what?
Howley: I don’t know, flux capacitor? Is that a thing?
Ripping bass riffs and a brief burst of snare heralds the entire mood that is Motorhead.
#Ace of Spades#
Walter Whezl pops out from behind the curtain first to a cavalcade of derision.
Moss: This guy…
Howley: You’re just jealous!
Moss: Of what could I possibly be jealous?
Howley: How about that beautiful, luxurious flowing cape?
This hushes noticeably as Lemmy begins to intone about snake eyes watching you and Lord Colossus steps out. Whezl points at the big man who is wearing a studded leather vest and armbands over his one-shoulder black wrestling singlet. Blonde curls poke out from under his leather hood under a 1970s style hockey mask. A Black Gorget wraps his throat. He slowly makes his way down to the ring, before handing off his vest and armbands to Whezl, stepping _over_ the top rope and moving to his appointed corner.
Moss: Well, what do you think about this match-up, T-bird?
Howley: These two goofs couldn’t put away those two skinny beach bums, there’s no way in the purple void of hell that they’re gonna make it past Colossus!
Moss: The… what? Have you been drinking the Kool-aid again?
DING! DING! DING!
Colossus, having not moved an inch from his corner, continues to loom like a towering monolith while Dash and Harry take one last minute to go over “the plan.” The Superhero doesn’t look convinced, but he steps out and allows the Temporal Knight to start for the Body of Law! Dash, like many before him, rushes in and tries to get the jump on the big man to absolutely no avail. He attempts a headlock, a hip toss, and a bodyslam before Colossus even registers that a wrestling match is happening and he’s involved!
Whezl cackles like an insane person at ringside.
Dash turns a pleading glance at referee Chip Newman who answers it with a clear gesture that says “leave me out of it!” Redoubling his efforts Dash hits the far ropes and throws a picture-perfect futuristic dropkick that Colossus swats away like so many gnats on a sweltering summer afternoon. Dackson slaps the mat in disgust as he scrambles to his feet in the corner where Harry Chest makes a command decision and tags himself in.
Howley: Uh-oh, is that more trouble in paradise I’m seeing?
Chest pays it no mind and enters the ring, stalking up to the Void Monster and sticks a superhero finger in his face! He starts to chastise the Wastelander but is stopped in his tracks when Colossus grabs his finger, curiously nods his head and then snaps the finger right out of place!
Moss: OH MY! I’M GONNA BE SICK!
Harry screeches, as one would expect, and then he digs deep and snaps that bad boy right back into place with a very audible snapping sound before winding up and unloading a huge right hand to the face of Colossus!
Howley: That idiot! He’s gonna re-unbreak his hand!
Moss: Say that one more time, slower, and with real words.
Colossus takes a swipe at the Superhero but Harry is quick with a barrel roll followed by a superman styled leap toward his corner, where Dash Dackson is quick to slap the tag while Harry rolls out to attend to his mangled hand! Dash leaps up to the top rope and springboards into the ring at terminal velocity! He connects square chest to chest but Colossus doesn’t so much as flinch before catching him and driving him down over a colossal knee and letting him drop to the mat in back-broken agony!
Howley: It’s been pretty one-sided so far, Moss!
Moss: I have no counter for that.
Lord Colossus continues the assault, meanwhile Hello World is spinning himself around in circles on the floor and Walt Whezl is at his wits end trying to keep an eye on everyone in the situation in case he needs to come to his mighty Lord’s aid for any reason.
This goes on for several moments.
Eventually, after a thrashing, Colossus dumps Dash into his corner and allows the Time Commando to tag out to his partner. As Harry Chest hops in and tries once more to take it to their colossal foe Dash takes some time on the apron to catch his breath. He looks down to Hello World who, in all of his robot glory, has the pained look on his mechanical face of an out of control AI running every possible scenario simultaneously in order to be of service.
Howley: What goin’ on with that creepy over-blown action figure?
Moss: You mean Hello World?
Howley: It has a name?
Having completed his calculations, Hello World apparently decides that the proper course of action is to eject his own steel hand and place it on the apron beside Dash. Dackson looks at the hand, and back to Hello World, considering.
Moss: What’s this, now?
Howley: It’s funny business, Moss! Funny business I tell ya!
Slowly, Dash bends down as inconspicuously as possible and grabs the steel robotic appendage. He considers it again, before quickly hiding it behind his back just in the nick of time before the referee turned an eye in his direction.
The match goes on, Harry Chest having about as much luck as Dash was with Lord Colossus. After a bit more frustration Dash reaches in and calls for the tag back in.
Moss: I’m not believing what I’m seeing, Joel!
Howley: Maybe now you’ll start listening when I tell you something!
Chest manages to make the tag, and just as he’s stepping out and Dash is stepping in Harry sees a glint of steel out of the corner of his eye!
Harry Chest: Dash! What do you think you are going to do with this?
Dash: Whatever it takes!
Dash goes to step towards the now approaching Lord Colossus but Harry manages to pull the steel from Dash’s hand.
Harry Chest: Not like this! We are the Body of Law-
Before Dash can argue, he is grabbed by Lord Colossus and thrown across the ring. Knowing his liege and seeing the chaos unfold, Walt Whezl picks now as the best time to hop up onto the apron and make a big enough ruckus to distract the referee! Harry Chest tries to step in to intervene against this, too, and eats a giant boot for his troubles that sends him tumbling from the ring.
Moss: It’s breaking down here in the Classic TV Studios!
Howley: They ought to change the name to Chaotic Wrestling! Get it?
Moss: IS THAT KING KONG FRANK?
Howley: IT IS! AND HE’S GOT THE CHAIN!
Frank, having materialized at ringside like some sort of voodoo hillbilly, grabs Whezl off of the apron and violently down to the floor! Before he can so much as squeal Frank plants a size 15 bare foot on Walt’s neck, immobilizing him, and reaches down and hogties the caped creeper! There is a huge grin on Frank’s face as Lord Colossus has watched this all unfold from inside the ring!
Moss: Wait a minute, what is Dackson up to now?
Turns out that as all of this chaos swirled around him, Dash had put together his master plan. Just as Colossus bellows down at Frank to unhand his familiar, Dash put everything he had into tattooing the big man in the back of the head with that steel hand! And again!
Colossus goes down to a knee.
Howley: GET UP! GO HELP WALT! EAT THIS MARTY MCFLY LOOKIN’ DORK! DO SOMETHING!
Dash hits the ropes and unleashes a final blow to the head that puts LC down! Dackson, unable to believe that any of this was working, is quick to stuff the offending international object deep down into the front of his tights! He hops onto Lord Colossus and pulls the referee’s attention away from King Kong Frank at ringside and back to the action inside the ring!
DING! DING! DING!
Moss: What just happened here, Joel?
Howley: It looks like ol’ Dash Theodore Logan just stole one from the giant Colossus!
From the floor, Harry Chest saw it all unfold. He stares up at Dackson celebrating in the ring with disgust written all over his super-heroic face. Meanwhile Frank has left the area, leaving Walt tied up like a grease-pained Christmas present for Lord Colossus.
Moss: We’ve got us a situation here!
Howley: Looks to me like we got more than one!