Moss: Well, we’re back and now we’ve got fan favorite Double Decker inside the ring, ready for action!
Howley: I don’t know about this guy, Moss, he wouldn’t have lasted a full shift back in my day!
Moss: You always have something to say about somebody, don’t ya?
Howley: Come on, Moss, look at him! He’s a fat-body!
Inside the ring Double Decker paces his corner, a nervous grin has taken up residence across his generally cheerful face.
The eardrum-splitting opening riff to Stranglehold gets the fans in attendance up out of their seats. A moment passes before a loud, gravely voice can be heard for a hundred yards in every direction even over The Nooge’s seminal shred-fest.
“HOOOOOOOOOOO-AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!”
King Kong Frank emerges with a 10-foot steel chain wrapped around his neck and a wild look in his eyes! He hoots and hollers and gets everyone whipped into a frenzy before breaking off into the crowd and swinging his chain at anybody not smart enough to be out of his way! The Madman from the Smoky Mountains smiles his big ugly smile underneath his big ugly beard and he terrorizes his way toward the ringside area. Fans scatter in his wake as he steps out of the bleachers and stalks up the steps and into the ring, this time stepping over the top rope and then parading around the ring, swinging that chain, daring anybody to stop him.
Moss: King King Frank is certainly a sight to behold!
Howley: Look at him, Moss, he’s gonna kill this guy. Could you imagine if Frank had two brain cells to rub together inside of that big melon of his? He could be dangerous!
Moss: Oh for the love of-
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNKKKKKKK!!!”
A hushed silence falls over the room.
Howley: Was that some sort of challenge?
King Kong Frank, his chaos interrupted, turns a serious eye toward the large man across the ring from him. Behind his beard Frank smiles an ugly smile. He sends the chain flying out of the ring and lets loose a guttural laugh just as the referee calls for the bell.
DING! DING!! DING!!!
Like a head on collision they meet dead in the center of the ring. The Big Bad Bus and the Appalachian Nightmare are at it immediately, lefts and rights, haymakers and gut-shots! Neither man gives an inch and the entire studio audience is here for it, cheering on both guys!
Moss: Look at ‘em go, Thunderbird!
Howley: Yeah, yeah, you just wait until one of them runs outta gas.
The referee, sensing something of a draw in the works, does what good referees do. He steps in and does his best to push Frank and the Bus apart. In a moment of clarity, Frank allows himself to be pushed back. He nods at Double Decker with a smile that has a bit more respect behind it now.
Frank: A’ight then, big boy, PITTER PATTER!
KKF takes off again, ducking under a wild clothesline attempt, hitting the ropes, and rebounding with everything he can muster at the big rig in front of him! Frank slams into him with monster truck force only to watch Double Decker crack a smile, brush off his shoulder, and straighten his tie line. This doesn’t sit all that well with the Hillbilly Jesus who decides that no time could be better to use his head than now.
KERAAAAAACK!
Everything goes blurry in Double Decker’s vision as he takes a giant step backward, landing with an arm over the top rope. Frank takes off again and connects with a sloppy-looking clothesline that sends both men over the top rope and down to the floor.
Moss: Out of the way! Get those people out of the way!
Howley: Look at ‘em scatter, Moss!
The fans, finding themselves never on the safe side with King Kong Frank in the studio, make it their business to get all the way out of the way as the two giant grapplers get to their feet and start throwing bombs again! KKF takes the advantage this time though, the moonshine running through his veins sending him into overdrive against the now wind-sucking Double Decker. Frank grabs him by the head and shoulders and sends him headfirst into the corner post as the referee shouts down numbers that Frank promptly ignores.
Moss: Come on, referee! Get ‘em in the ring!
Through some manner of cosmic manipulations the planets find themselves aligned and Frank decides to take this one back into the ring! He forces Double Decker up onto the apron before grabbing him by the head and putting him a stranglehold from the floor! The ref leans through the ropes and starts counting again.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
Finally Frank let’s up, but not before sending the point of his elbow into the throat of Double Decker which sends the big guy back into the ring in nasty coughing fit.
Howley: Ya know Moss, I wanna like this King Kong Frank character, he’s got a mean streak in him, but he’s so damned…
Frank marches up the steps and back into the ring, hooting and hollering the entire time about what a grand ol’ time he’s having.
Moss: Yeah, I get it. He can be a bit eccentric!
Howley: Eccentric? I was gonna say ten pounds of crazy in a five pound bag!
As Double Decker is hacking and coughing and doing his best to regain his breath, the giant mountain man begins stalking his municipal-sized prey.
Moss: Look like King Kong Frank is winding up that Smoky Mountain Spike!
Howley: If he hits it they’ll have to drop that Bus off back at the mechanic shop and pick up a loaner!
Double Decker makes it up to one knee, and Frank is just about to strike when-
Moss: HEY!
Howley: It’s Walt Whezl!
It certainly is! The manager of Lord Colossus has made his way to ringside to a chorus of boos just in time to reach that umbrella of his under the bottom rope and grab hold of King Kong Frank’s bare foot, causing just the distraction that he was looking for! Frank roars in anger and turns his entire frame around, catching Walt in the act and screaming down at him as he reaches a catcher’s mitt sized hand down and grabs Walt by the head and lifts him up onto the apron.
Moss: What in the-
The referee once again gets involved, doing his best to wedge himself between King Kong Frank and his face-painted assailant! Turns out this is exactly what Walt was hoping for, however, as he uses the commotion to engage some sort of contraption on his umbrella and-
Howley: BLACK MIST! WHEZL JUST BLASTED FRANK IN THE FACE WITH THE BLACK MIST!
Moss: King Kong Frank has been blinded!
Howley: And the referee didn’t see anything!
As Frank flails backward and the referee tries to make sense of the situation, nobody expects Double Decker to not only be up, but to be ready to turn this all into an advantage for himself! Frank claws at his eyes and is completely oblivious as he steps right into the waiting arms of Double Decker, who swings the big Appalachian up and around bodily and drops him hard with a sidewalk slam!
Moss: Double Decker shook the ring with that one!
The referee jumps into position as Decker adjusts his weight and covers Frank!
One!
Walt Whezl cackles maniacally at the mayhem he’s caused.
Two!!
Howley: He’s gonna get him, Moss!
THREE!!!
DING! DING!! DING!!!
But the chaos doesn’t stop there, oh no! Before Harold Robbins can get a word in about the winner of the match the entirety of the crowd in the Classic Studio is on their feet booing at Walt Whezl who has found himself inside of the ring and hurling insults at the fallen King Kong Frank. This doesn’t sit too well at all with Double Decker and he is quickly between Walt and Frank taking a protective posture.
Moss: Oh no.
Walt Whezl smiles a Cheshire smile.
Howley: IT’S LORD COLOSSUS!
The Dystopian Disaster doesn’t waste so much as a single second, goozling Double Decker the absolute moment that he turned around, and lifting him up and driving him down hard into the mat with a picture perfect chokeslam!
DING! DING!! DING!!!
DING! DING!! DING!!!
DING! DING!! DING!!!
Moss: Somebody do something!
Nobody does. King Kong Frank tries once again to regain his feet and for his troubles he’s only grabbed by the head and forced into a standing head-scissors. After lifting one gauntlet-clad arm Colossus grabs Frank by the body, lifts, and absolutely plants him with a huge powerbomb.
Howley: He’s gonna kill somebody with that Volt Thrower! I love it!
Finally a cadre of referees and security flood the ringside area, pleading with Walt Whezl to get his Colossus and take their leave. Notice that not a single one of them comes anywhere close to diving in the ring to ask the Colossus himself.
Moss: Fans, we’ve got to take a commercial timeout and try to make some sense of this mess!
Gordy Lovett appears at the curtain and tries comes out to make the save but his manager stops him as we fade out.