“Flying High Again” by Ozzy Osbourne hits on the Studio speakers.
The CLASSIC Wrestling splash logo explodes onto your television screen as the music screeches onward at a dizzying pace. Still shots taken from the last two episodes of Classic Wrestling TV rotate across the screen in a dazzling display of audio-visual excellence! A quick flash brings the camera inside of the Classic Wrestling Studio to a crane-shot showing the pristine ring, the iconic television set, and the jam-packed bleachers full of fans placed just on the other side of the ring. The fans do their part to get the show off to a rock solid start by doing what they do best…
Losing their entire minds!
A quick cut down to the Classic commentary desk brings us to Patrick Moss, dressed in a slightly ill-fitting electric blue three-piece with a CLASSIC logo stitched to the front as well as Joel “Thunderbird” Howley, dressed as usual in a tie-dyed muscle shirt with his trademarked Thunderbird logo emblazoned across the chest. Don’t mind the feather boa, Thunderbird is an entire mood in and of himself and he knows it.
Moss: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELCOME CLASSIC WRESTLING FANS!
Howley: They’re all riled up in here tonight, Moss, and you ain’t helpin’ any by doin’ all that yelling!
Moss: I can’t help it, T-Bird, I’ve got a FEVER for some Classic Wrestling and I’m CONTAGIOUS!
Howley: That’s gross! Somebody bring me a mask! I refuse to work in these conditions!
Moss: We’ve got a slam-packed show for you tonight folks! First up we’ve got a pair of debuts as the God Beast MUSHIGIHARA steps into the Classic ring to face one-half of Twisted Steel, the rough and ready SMASHMOUTH!
Howley: That’s right! And I can tell you this much, Moss, those two big boys are gonna slap some beef tonight! I can’t tell ya who’s gonna win, but I CAN tell ya that it won’t be for the faint of heart!
Moss: Next up we’ve got another debut as DR. DEVASTATION takes on the Olympic Bronze Medalist, JACK FARGO! What do you think of Fargo, Thunderbird?
Howley: I gotta be honest with ya here Moss, Fargo’s a nerd! But he can tie a guy in knots out there in the ring! I got a feeling the Doc’s got a prescription for that Olympic style of Fargo’s though, if you’re pickin’ up what I’m putin’ down over here!
Moss: After that we’ve got our first match of the second round of our Real Worlds Heavyweight Title tournament! It’ll be JOHNNY SAINT NELSON taking on the former sumo SHUJIN YAMA!
Howley: This one’s gonna be a match for the ages, Mossy-boy! Shujin took out Rich K. Hunt out in the first round and if I’m honest I had Hunt going all the way to the end in my brackets!
Moss: That’s true, but JSN took out the uber-formidable Harry Chest in the first round, and Harry was easily one of the odds on favorite!
Howley: If you say so, Moss, sounds a little sus to me though!
Moss: And speaking of HARRY CHEST, he and FREDDY CHEDDA will both be looking to right the ship so to speak when they meet in the ring later tonight! After that we’ve got another beef-slapper as DOUBLE DECKER and KING KONG FRANK collide in the Classic ring tonight in our semi-main event!
Howley: I’ll tell you what, Moss, I’ve run into Frank once or twice out there in the wide world or rasslin’ and one thing that I know for an ABSOLUTE fact is that he is one-hundred percent completely out of his rabbit-ass mind! That big galoof wants to fight anybody, even his friends!
Moss: It’s gonna be a case of the unstoppable force versus the immovable object tonight though, and that’s not all! Our main event tonight will see another second round match as VITO VALENTINO takes on All Business ALEX BRUDER!
Howley: It’s gonna be one for the ages! That is IF and only if Big Vito can keep his hands off of Bruder’s tights and keep it a fair fight!
Moss: Seriously? That’s your take away?
Howley: Did he, or did he not, have a handful of Frank’s overalls in the first round?
Moss: Did you forget about Bruder having a handful of Jack Fargo’s tights?
Howley: I’ve said it once, I’ll say it a thousand times, if the REF DON’T SEE IT, it AIN’T ILLEGAL!
Moss: You’re incorrigible, Thunderbird! You know that?
Howley: I know everything, Moss!
Moss: Like I said before, we’ve got a SIZZLER of a show on deck for you tonight fans, now let’s toss it on over to Otto Price at the podium!
The fans cheer and Otto mugs for the camera just a bit.
Price: Thanks guys! You’re absolutely right, tonight is gonna be a night to remember! But before we take it to the ring for our first match let me bring up to the podium the manager of perhaps the most dangerous man in Classic Wrestling, Walt Whezl!
Walter Whezl steps out onto the stage, face painted ghoulishly in black and white, his hair greased back. He carries a cane with a silver skull on it, it’s mouth curiously open. He is dressed in all black, tie, suit jacket, shirt and pants.
The Classic Wrestling crowd is having none of Whezl and begins to boo and yell derisive slogans at him.
Whezl: The Lord Colossus is not here, he is preparing the doomsday that SURELY awaits King. Kong. Frank.
Whezl sneered each word of Frank’s name.
Whezl: So I am here to deliver his missive. Everyone.
…in Classic Wrestling saw the injurious attempts of this odious ozarkian oaf to try and injure the Lord Colossus. But…
Whezl waggles his cane at the crowd.
Whezl: …everyone was witness. WITNESS I say, to the agility. The skill. THE POWER OF THE APOCALYPSE COMMANDED BY THE LORD COLOSSUS!
That turgid texan saw FIRST HAND the results of attempting to put hands on me. ON ME! NO ONE WILL DARE TOUCH ME! NOT WITH WHAT I COMMAND!
KING KONG FRANK DARES TO TOUCH THE LORD COLOSSUS?! HE DARES TO INTRODUCE A FOREIGN OBJECT!
Whezl’s voice reached Halfordian levels of falsetto, his rage twisting his painted face. His breathing heavy, he adjusts his tie and tries to regain his composure.
Whezl: I have spoken with officials of Classic Wrestling of course…
He produces what appears to be a folded stack of papers from a pocket. Before the diminutive manager has an opportunity to wax poetic on just exactly what those papers are he’s met with a very large, very incensed Smoky Mountain Savage.
Frank: WHERE’N TARNATION IS YOU HIDIN’ THAT YELLA-BELLIED DOG?!
Walt scoffs, waving Frank off with his cane. Frank lunges at Whezl but he shrinks away, hiding first behind the podium and then Otto Price himself.
Whezl: You.. you KEEP THAT.. THAT MALEFACTOR AWAY FROM MY PERSON! MY LAWYER WILL HEAR OF THIS! DON’T THINK THIS IS OVER! DON’T THINK THIS HAS EVEN BEGUN! YOU WILL ATONE!
A swarm of referees come rushing to the stage, getting between Frank and Walter who is menacing his cane at the substantially larger man. Frank hollerin’ about what he’s gonna do to the little man, and Whezl delivering a variety of alliterative threats.
Cut to commercial.