King Kong Frank is pacing.
Like a maniac.
Let’s not beat around the bush here, Frank is a maniac. Nevertheless, it seems like no matter how many times the Mastadon of the Great Smoky Mountains does grievous bodily harm to an opponent, it never takes long before some other schmuck makes the heinous mistake of underestimating or provoking him.
And that’s just fine with Frank.
After a time “Big” Joe Geoue steps into the scene with a CLASSIC-flagged microphone in hand. Frank scowls down at the diminutive interviewer but halts his back and forth fidgeting. It’s not all that often that King Kong Frank requests interview time on television, but sometimes a man has got to say what’s on his mind!
BJG: “Big” JG here and I’ve got maybe the wildest of all of the wild men here in CLASSIC Wrestling, King Kong Frank! Now, Frank, you’ve been mixing it up with the Premier American Champion Shujin Yama, and last week not only did he try to burn the American Flag on national television but he and Sensei Abe Lincoln symbolically buried you under the Japanese flag!
Frank snarls. His reply is low. Measured.
KKF: Yeah. Big’un put in some real work last week on ol’ Frank.
That snarl curls into a disconcerting grin.
KKF: An’ that’s JUST DAGGUM FINE WITH OL’ FRANK! UNNARSTANNIT?!
Big Joe, having never had the pleasure of interviewing the Barefoot Brawler, was doing a first-class job at standing there and not flinching as the giant of a man screamed at him with spittle flying and errant globs of chaw and particulates flying every which way but loose.
BJG: Sounds like to me you’re spoiling for another fight with the Champ?
KKF: YOU CAN BET YER BACKSIDE ON THAT! An’ lemme make one thing perfectly clear right here, an’ right now. An’ lemme talk real good an’ slow so you an’ yer jerkwagon littly hippy sidekick can unnarstan’ ever’ dadblasted word of it.
The camera tightens on Frank, Big Joe knows when to lay back and does his best impression of a mic stand. Frank’s eyes are wide, but there’s something in there… something serious. He reaches off-screen and grabs an American Flag, stares at it reverently for a moment before turning his attention back outward.
KKF: These. Colors. Don’t. Run.
There is a bristling rage behind Frank’s words. Like maybe he’s been holding back up until now. If that’s the case, things are about to get real weird here at CLASSIC Wrestling.
KKF: I done told ya, my ol’ Granpappy died fightin’ under this here flag, and so did his ol’ Granpappy. Now my daddy might’a been a draft-dodgin, woman-beatin’ piece’a garbage, but my Ma’ didn’t raise the kind’a feller that’d let ANYBODY…
Big Joe finds whatever courage it must take to interrupt the biggest, craziest man to ever lace-up, or not lace-up, a pair of boots.
BJD: Okay, hold on, Frank. What exactly are you trying to say here? This sounds like it is a lot more personal to you than a simple wrestling match could ever hope to contain.
Frank vibrates. He is an entire mood, and not a good one.
KKF: SHOO-JIN YAMA! You don’t get to disrespect this here flag an’ keep callin’ yerself any kind of AMERICAN Champion, PREE-MEER OR NOT! So if’n ya ain’t YELLA, come Capital Clash you’ll put that Red, White, an’ Blue’ piece’a gold ON THE LINE! YOU AN’ ME BIG BOY, FLAG MATCH! YOO-ESS-AYE VERSUS JAPEXICO OR WHEREVER YER SUPPOSED TO BE FROM!
BJG: WOW! You heard it here first folks, King Kong Frank wants to take a piece out of Shujin Yama, and he wants to represent the Good ‘ol US of A while he does it! We’ll send it back out to-
Frank crushes Joe’s hand inside of his own before yanking the microphone, Joe’s hand and all, up closer to his bearded face. He snarls into it one more time.
KKF: COME ON BIG’UN! OR IS YA CHICKEN? BAAA-GAAAAAAAAAAAAWK!!!!
With that, the Appalachian Nightmare has said his peace. He gives Joe back his nearly mangled hand and stomps away.
BJG: Back to you guys!