The scene opens to a big green screen backdrop, which almost immediately turns into the rolling surf of sunny Hawaii. We can see little dots of people walking by on the beach, faces pixelated. There is a pineapple tree nearby. Also a hula girl. Also some poi.
Scott Hunter, in case you didn’t know, is front and center, arms crossed. He looks perturbed. Flummoxed even. Perhaps even unruly. Either way, it’s not good!
“First of all, a quick note, whoever lost the iPhone 13 outside the movie theater about an hour ago, please stop calling my new phone. I don’t want to talk to you!
Now then…you morons really don’t ever give up, do you? I can’t even enjoy a relaxing vacation in the Hawaiian islands without having to come out here and say something to you nerds.”
The screen video glitches for a second then returns to the lovely beach.
“You hear the sound of those lovely waves behind me? Yes, you do. Well, I’ll tell you one thing, it’s a lot more pleasant to listen to than listening to the meandering garbage falling out of every single Classic Wrestling wrestler’s mouth lately. A LOT… more pleasant.
And I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, Scott, you love wrestling! That’s why you’re doing it! You love it more than Joanie loves Chachi, a TV show I discovered last week. You agape love it, and that’s the third-best kind of love! Right behind tender and jungle.
Holo Make knows what I’m talkin’ about.
Wink.
But back to my original point. As is evident by the tropical island atmosphere behind me, in real life and not at all on a video screen, I am here in Maui doing some research before I face off with Holo Make, which I am told could happen as soon as today! But no later than next January. Now I want to show some respect for your culture by using some Hawaiian words, and the first thing I want to say is… ‘Aina I Ka Pono’, which are four Hawaiian words that mean ‘run headfirst into a bare-chested man. Also, leave your feet to get more momentum.’ It’s amazing how only four little words can say so much. It’s a rich language.
Now I have no idea, yet, what to make of my future opponent. I know he has long black hair and hasn’t taken a bath in so long that plants are literally growing from his ankles and wrists, and I know he has a watercolor dragon tattoo over the top of some mistletoe and a phallic symbol underneath. I know he has taped up his feet due to the smell, and tights so tight I can tell his religion.
Now I’m only day one on this journey of discovery to prepare for our eventual match, but I can tell you this much now. Aliki Poko Ni Taco Grande. That means I will pulverize your body and cause great liver damage with a knee thrust to your back, in Hawaiian. Furthermore, it stands as a warning and a parable, that just because you SAY you were born on an island, doesn’t mean it’s true. Like this video behind you, you are a FRAUD, SIR! I saw The Blue Lagoon last week on HBO Max and you look NOTHING like Brooke Shields! Fraud! Saboteur! Unkempt sausage peddler!
What I do know is that when I finally get you in the ring, which will be soon… or maybe later, I will wrap you up in knots so tight, you’ll need fifteen boy scouts to get you free! Sheep-shank, b***h! I will apply my patented and trademarked figure-four leglock around your weird beefy South Pacific legs and make you beg for Kokua. That means ‘help!’. It also is the name of the coffee house around the corner from my condo. But that’s not the point! The point is only this. I will beat you, right in the face, about the head and shoulders, and if I have time, your knees and that little part on your elbow called the weenus. Look it up!
But when I’m done with all of that, I will break one or more of your legs! You hear me??! ONE!!!…. OR MORE!!!”
Hunter hesitates as if expecting something to happen. He looks off-camera, then back at the camera, then off-camera again, then back at the camera, and gets frustrated.
“Hang on.”
He rushes off-screen and comes back with a small remote. He presses a button and the Hawaiian scene disappears, left with nothing but a wall of green.
“Sleep tight, Malaka Hoa falapa lookie mookie wilson, because I’m coming for you. YOU HEAR ME?!”
Hunter points at the camera, very seriously.
“COMING… FOR YOU!!”
Scott stands up straight, and smiles.
“Auf wiedersehen.”
Cut to Black.